Abridged Too Far – Nineteen

First of all I’d like to apologise for the near-on two month delay with getting Abridged Too Far up and running again. In an effort to keep it regular again it may become a fortnightly feature…it all depends on what I play and how quickly. Enjoy.

ALIENS VS PREDATOR

– ARTICLE CONTINUES BELOW –

There was once an Alien called Dave, a Predator called Jim and a Marine called Hugo “Rookie” Manuel Velazquez Smith. Alien Dave was quite possibly one of the best aliens in history (sorry, E.T), Predator Jim was much better than Eathworm Jim and Marine Hugo “Rookie” Manuel Velazquez Smith (or Hugo for short) was the same as every other testosterone-fuelled, stereotypical grunt from anything slightly war related. In fact, from now on, Marine Hugo will be referred to as Default Marine.

There was another man called Karl Weyland of Weyland Yutani fame. He was a scientist with delusions of grandeur and a rather disturbing relationship with xenomorphs…I suppose it gets lonely in space. Either way, he was continuously trying to catch these aliens having not learned the lessons of the Nostromo incident. Or the incident on LV-246. Or the incident on Fiorina ‘Fury’ 161. Seeing as this is set between 3 & 4 he had yet to experience the incident on the spaceship USM Auriga but boy are they in for a treat. Karl activated an ancient pyramid…tut tut tut.

One day Alien Dave took his first breath. Unlike his siblings Dave’s first breath wasn’t taken after bursting through the ribcage of an innocent host; it was taken after crawling up an innocent host’s windpipe and emerging from his mouth. Once out in the wild Dave was gassed and captured by Weyland and held against his will. A few hours passed and Dave was now a fully grown alien and discovered that someone had tattooed ‘Love’ and ‘Hate’ on his hands. This made Dave very angry.

Meanwhile…

Predator Jim was brought to an unknown planet in order to pass his warrior’s test and become a fully-fledged member of the Predator clan. The test consisted of looking up, looking down, looking left and looking right. Man, these Predators are hardcore. It also consisted of pressing buttons on his wrist.

PREDATOR JIM: What does this button do?

ELDER PREDATOR: That’s your cloaking device.

PREDATOR JIM: Cool. So I can’t be seen by anyone?

ELDER PREDATOR: Technically no. It looks more impressive than it actually is; humans and aliens will still be able to see you.

PREDATOR JIM: Oh, that’s disappointing.

ELDER PREDATOR: Imagine how disappointed you’d be if you paid £39.99 only to realise it’s ineffectiveness.

Test completed, Predator Jim returned to his spaceship as they were summoned by the ancient pyramid that had been activated by Weyland.

Meanwhile…

Default Marine was aboard a small ship orbiting an unknown planet when all of a sudden the Predator’s battleship appeared out of nowhere, destroyed the Human’s larger spaceship and ejected 3 pods onto said planet. The marines were slightly troubled by these events but in true soldier style they ‘sucked it up’, strapped in for deployment and were ejected down to the surface. During this process, overhead luggage came loose and knocked Default Marine out cold. This was the result of poor health and safety and inadequate flight procedure instructions.

Meanwhile…

Alien Dave was called upon by his Queen – who was much more vocal than Elizabeth II and twice the size of Latifah – to break free from his lab restraints and rescue her. The ancient pyramid that attracted the Predators to the planet had also sent out a shockwave disabling the power, which allowed Alien Dave to escape. His first action as a free alien was to bury his mouth-within-his-mouth into the skull of a scientist. To be fair, the scientist did deserve it. Alien Dave’s next action was to see if he could run up walls and across ceilings. After running around the room like a lunatic he threw up and began his journey through the human colony to find the Queen.

Meanwhile…

Predator Jim had landed on the planet and was tasked with finding 3 ‘young bloods’ who were MIA. They should have checked the docks first as they were probably making the most of their shore-leave with a couple of Prostitors. Upon landing, Predator Jim found one of these young bloods dead and blew the body up; it was cheaper than a funeral and he didn’t require a day off work. He travelled across the planet in search of the others. He activated his cloaking device and turned on heat sensing vision – he could still be seen and still couldn’t see the aliens. Pointless.

Meanwhile…

Default Marine regained consciousness as his unit fought a group of xenomorphs. He was helped to his feet by a female marine.

DEFAULT MARINE: Hey. What’s your name?

TEQUILA: Tequila.

DEFAULT MARINE: T…Tequila?

TEQUILA: Yeah, Tequila.

DEFAULT MARINE: Seriously?

TEQUILA: Don’t worry about that. Think of me like Michelle Rodriguez in every film she’s ever made.

Tequila dragged Default Marine to safety only to then get him doing all the work. Default Marine ran around trying to kill tens of Aliens with a pistol. A pistol that needed reloading after every bullet. He eventually became separated from everyone else.

DEFAULT MARINE: What do I do?

TEQUILA: Run around aimlessly pushing button after button. Something’s bound to happen sooner or later.

Meanwhile…

Alien Dave had reached his Queen. He too pushed buttons aimlessly although he had to use his mouth, which resulted in losing a tooth.

ALIEN DAVE: Son of a bitch! I’m going to have to call Janet Street Porter to see if she can donate one.

The Queen was freed and set-up a new hive just down the road. She needed to be within the local school’s catchment area in order for her seven thousand children to get the best start in life. Alien Dave went for a wander and soon came across an Elite Predator. Alien Dave blocked his attack, whipped his tail and swiped at him with his claw. He repeated this process until the Elite Predator hit the ground and Alien Dave whistled for his pet facehugger. Facehugger Spongebob attached himself to the predator’s face and within an hour or two a Predalien was born. It’s the lamest name I’ve ever heard so we’ll call him Eugene. Euegene grew up to be a healthy xenomorph hybrid and ran away, mutilating anything he came in contact with.

ALIEN DAVE: That’s my boy!

Meanwhile…

Predator Jim traversed the colony and found the second young blood. He blew this one up too. He found the entrance to the ancient pyramid where he found a stick and a golden mask. They were artifacts belonging to the daddy of all predators. The new mask enabled Predator Jim to see aliens in the dark…finally! The stick was his most powerful weapon. A stick.

He found the third predator’s necklace – a tribal motif with a symmetrical design made from bone which could fetch anything from £2 – £456 on QVC. He continued on his way and came across a Praetorian Alien. Praetorians were slightly bigger than your average alien but it didn’t make their attacks any more difficult or any less predictable. Predator Jim pulled out a bottle of Dove body lotion and applied it to the Praetorian’s head. Due to the PH balance of Dove, coupled with the alien’s acidic blood, a chemical reaction took place which killed Predator Jim’s foe. He moved on and now found himself another chamber of the pyramid which was filled with Lava.

Meanwhile…

Default Marine had now pressed 56 buttons with no variation in technique or style and had also gained himself a Pulse Rifle – it sounds impressive but as far as weapons go, you can do more damage with carrot peeler. Or any vegetable peeler for that matter, there’s no need to limit yourself to carrots. In fact some of you may not even like carrots, in which case just substitute carrot peeler for your favourite food that requires a peeler and add the word ‘peeler’ onto the end of it.

Default Marine made his way across the planet, killed his sergeant because he was infected and pressed a few more buttons. He was then contacted by a scientist called Kayto who asked for help and had him running errands for her. He had to find Weyland and retrieve his personal computer; it was the key to getting off the planet.

Along the way Default Marine discovered the Queen Alien’s new home and burnt it to the ground before moving on. He came across no resistance here as she was stuck to her egg sack…and the fact that she was lazy.

Default Marine then came across a Predator. Thanks to the laser that shone from the creature’s shoulder Default Marine was able to spot the Predator’s location and shot him a few times and he died. It would have been a one-hit kill had he had cucumber slicer.

Default Marine finally made his way into the pyramid and after killing an unnecessary amount of aliens and android soldiers he found Karl Weyland. Yippee, I can hardly contain my…oooh, a ball of string.

Meanwhile…

Alien Dave sat around twiddling his thumbs as he had nothing left to do when all of a sudden he fell to the floor and curled up into a ball. At first it appeared that he had visited the curry house at the end of my street but it turns out that due to Default Marine’s action of killing the Queen, Alien Dave had entered some form of coma.

As he lay there in a ball some humanoids appeared and scooped him up and transported him off the planet. The long journey had obviously given Alien Dave the chance to ponder his existence and he had come to the conclusion that he now wanted to be known as Davina. He transformed into a Queen and killed everyone on board the ship before laying his/her/its first egg. Aww.

Meanwhile…

Predator Jim encountered Eugene (the Predalien that we renamed due to Predalien being lame). Eugene looked impressive and he sounded impressive too. In reality Eugene was shit. Predator Jim watched as the abomination bounced around the room. He didn’t move – instead he locked on with his shoulder laser and killed Eugene.

PREDATOR JIM: I can’t believe I’ve wasted nearly 2 hours of my life with this shit.

Due to his bad mood Predator Jim took the necklace that belonged to the third Predator and activated a bomb. He casually strolled out of the pyramid, entered his space ship and pissed off home.

The pyramid began to crumble.

Meanwhile…

Default Marine killed Weyland – who turned out to be an android –  in a very uninspiring fight, stole his personal computer, returned to Kayto, rescued Tequila from an alien nest but couldn’t prevent her from becoming impregnated, got on a space shuttle and left.

Predator Jim’s bomb went off and destroyed everything in the vicinity.

Aboard Default Marine’s shuttle whilst he, Tequila and Kayto were in stasis chambers, the pilots stole Weyland’s computer and contacted the real Weyland to give him the coordinates to the Alien’s homeworld…dun dun oh, who cares?

The End.

– PAGE CONTINUES BELOW –