New Releases: March 29th – April 4th

Remember all those campfire stories of how March 2010 was to usher in the Second Golden Age of Gaming? Harrowing accounts of gamers forgoing food and shelter in order to answer the call of a relentless – some might even say insidious – assault of gaming giants. Yeah, well, obviously those wily raconteurs weren’t including the tail-end of the month in their chronicles of gaming abundance. People, we are now entering what’s known as The Wasteland. We’re talking complete barrenness here. It’s so lacking, in fact, that anyone that picks up anything from the below ragtag collection of niche games should get a prize. Not from us, of course; we give out enough prizes. Just, you know, in general.

Last Week:

Clash of the Titans

Release date: March 26th
Platforms: PS3 / 360
Publisher: Namco Bandai
Developer: Namco Bandai

Synopsis: Our apologies to Namco Bandai as this one completely slipped beneath our radar. The game is out now (apparently, has anyone seen it?) and is a third-person action romp based on the eponymous movie. Probably not the best time to release an action game based on Greek mythology we reckon, and one that will likely slip through the cracks.


Dead Or Alive: Paradise

Release date:  March 30th
Platforms:  PSP
Publisher: Tecmo Koei
Developer: Team Ninja

Synopsis: Tits. For the longest time, this one solitary opening word was the only thing I could think of to describe Dead Or Alive: Paradise. I toyed with just publishing this article with that one, simple term as the synopsis of the game. I thought it would be amusing; a pithy, somewhat sardonic assessment to what is essentially a game purely based on getting (near) naked women to prance about a beach for your pleasure. I quickly realised that I would be short-changing you, our dear readers. So, I returned in an effort to give the game its due coverage.

Dead Or Alive: Paradise is a game all about tits. It’s the first of the Dead Or Alive series to arrive on the PSP and features the usual gamut of beach orientated mini-games purposely designed to make the girls wiggle their tits about. You can take photos (of their tits) and even “get to know them.” We’re not too sure how this manifests in the game but we’re pretty sure it involves tinier versions of bikinis in an effort to display more of their tits. You can even bestow gifts on the comely gaggle. Like underwear. Obviously. A game described as “voyeuristic” and “creepy” by the ESRB (which they’ve since apologised for and we reckon Tecmo Koei were actually thrilled about), we just can’t get past the fact that this game is purely about tits. Tits. Tits. Tits. Finally, I’m not sure who’s down to review Dead Or Alive: Tits here at The Axis but, let me tell you, I expect the brawl to be legendary.


Lips: I Love The 80s

Release date:  April 2nd
Platforms:  360
Publisher: Microsoft Games Studios
Developer: iNiS

Synopsis: Best known as the decade that gave us Margaret Thatcher, an actor in the White House and more fashion faux-pas than Boy George on mescaline, the 80s was also the era universally designated by those in the know as “The World’s Crappest Decade of Music.” Sure, there are some aberrations from this damning accolade; Michael Jackson (back when he was black) and The Smiths come to mind, but for every diamond in the rough I could list a dozen fluorescent feather boa sporting, clown-makeup plastered warbling misfits proving that technology left in the hands of the talentless is always avery bad thing. Microsoft will attempt to rewrite history with a further barrage of songs from the epoch of earaches with Lips: I Loathe The 80s. Sorry,love. Yes, we love the 80s. Like we love getting punched in the ballsack.

Here’s hoping this week’s store update is awesome. Either that or we’re missing some imminent games from this list. It’s possible. We did look in the usual places, however, but it really does look like an incredibly light week.

You can show your appreciation of TSA and buy most of the above here.

Please note: while everyattempt is made to get both the dates accurate and every applicable game included, we are not infallible and mistakes will be made. Feel free to mention any omissions or corrections in the comments below. We’ll endeavour to correct the above and even thank you personally. We’re good like that. Finally, all dates are the official EU dates. Actual release dates in your country may vary to the dates shown above.