10 Things You Thought You Didn’t Want To Think You Knew About GTA V

You’ve seen them all over the last 24 hours – frame by frame analysis, speculation, feedback from ‘those in the know’ – the lot.  But they’ve missed the point.  There’s more to that trailer than meets the eye, and we’ll show you.

Settle back with a nice mug of tea, and read with your eyeballs.

– ARTICLE CONTINUES BELOW –

It’s got dogs.  This isn’t just a cut-scene, this is actually about 10% of the final game.  Remember in GTA IV where you had to take NPC A to dinner every five minutes and then take NPC B to the train station to watch him scratch around on the rails?  Well, in V you’ve got to take your dog for a shit.  Every five minutes.  I’ll be honest, I’m not that fond of dogs, let alone scooping their poop.

Women will ogle the men.  Yes, in a wonderful reversal of the long standing stereotypes that GTA has adhered to, V will let you get wolf whistles from women just by clicking the right analog stick.  This doesn’t work on a 360, sadly – no click – and if you try it on a PC your mates will laugh at you.  Still, at least the PlayStation crowd have got their exclusive feature.  It’s currently being penned at a £10 on-the-disk DLC.  Enjoy.

It’s by Rockstar Games.  There was speculation previous to the trailer that the game would be handled by one of the cleaners down your local pub (ask Drake) but – thankfully – that’s not the case.  There’s apparently a leaked trailer of a work in progress build of GTA V done by said cleaner, but I’ve not seen it and wouldn’t suggest you seek it out.  It’s set in Scunthorpe, for starters.

Part of the game will see you as a caddy, frantically tapping X to run faster so that you can retrieve the ball from whatever ‘rough’ it has fallen into.  You don’t get to drive a golf buggy, and you certainly don’t get to swing a club – at least not until the Episodes of Grand Theft Auto V, the first part of which is currently dubbed The Ballad Of The Guy With The Golf Buggy And Club.

You don’t climb this mountain, you create it.  With your hands.  With Kinect.  Yes, in a surprise Xbox 360 exclusive section, GTA V will see you as the controller, waggling around trying to build a structure that will – spoilers – stop the incoming legion of elephants from trampling all over Vice City (see below). Any pesky civilians caught in the way can be stopped out, Populous-style, by making ridiculous gestures with your legs.

This isn’t GTA V, it’s PlayStation Home.  Somebody at Rockstar clearly made a complete error here.  Nice arse, though.

Missing in action since the early nineties, super ravers Altern-8 will be back in action.  They’ll be mapped to a special weapon which your seven lead characters can call upon at any time.  By pressing X, Triangle, Circle you’ll be able to make them pop-out of the nearest van and rave everyone up to f*ck.  The music will change from gangsta rap to wicked hardcore tunez as lights flash and strobe your opponents to almost certain death.  Does not work on elephants.

Finally listening to criticism from middle England, Rockstar have replaced the ability to hurt humans with a much more friendly ‘bash the signpost’ angle.  Instead of hunting prostitutes, killing them and robbing them off their nicely bundled money, you’ll be able to knock in signs, clean bins and brush driveways.  It’s safer, and – let’s be honest – will sell many more copies of the game.

Cars will have four exhausts.  Two isn’t enough, and one’s just laughable.  It’s not a car unless it can destroy the atmosphere quicker than it can get to sixty.  In this shot, the car is red, which clearly means that the guys from Halo machinima Red versus Blue will be involved.  We look forward to lingering shots over Blood Gulch with that slightly off centre American humour.

And, finally, it’s set in Vice City.  I know this looks like Vinewood, but I’m fairly sure that’s a typo.  I mean, I’ve seen palm trees, pina coladas and blokes with half rolled up sleeves in the trailer, and if that’s not Miami my name’s not Geoffrey.  Bollocks to LA, anyway, we’ve been there before in San Andreas, at least Vice City will be fresh and never seen before in a GTA game.

Hope that whetted your appetite further.

– PAGE CONTINUES BELOW –

53 Comments

  1. Now THAT was funny XD

  2. Nikce article – certainly made me smile, and the perfect antidote to the communal bedwetting that is going on around this trailer.

    Oh and “Rockstar Presents”? I’ll have a gift-wrapped Bon Jovi poodle-hair-wig please.

  3. Scunthorpe represent!
    :)

  4. Oh lol what a brilliant and hilarious article! :D

  5. See what you miss when you miss coming on TSA for a day, thank god this was in the features bit on the right.

    Nice post =)

  6. Are you a squirrel?………*tee-hee*………cuz you’re totally nuts !
    I like this, seriously, it’s this crazy shit that initially had me sign up to and went on to make me visit TSA every day. It’s been over three years now and I’m glad nofi and the fabled yet illusive Crumdangle have started to inject some of that back into TSA :)

Comments are now closed for this post.