10 Things You Thought You Didn’t Want To Think You Knew About GTA V

You’ve seen them all over the last 24 hours – frame by frame analysis, speculation, feedback from ‘those in the know’ – the lot.  But they’ve missed the point.  There’s more to that trailer than meets the eye, and we’ll show you.

Settle back with a nice mug of tea, and read with your eyeballs.

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It’s got dogs.  This isn’t just a cut-scene, this is actually about 10% of the final game.  Remember in GTA IV where you had to take NPC A to dinner every five minutes and then take NPC B to the train station to watch him scratch around on the rails?  Well, in V you’ve got to take your dog for a shit.  Every five minutes.  I’ll be honest, I’m not that fond of dogs, let alone scooping their poop.

Women will ogle the men.  Yes, in a wonderful reversal of the long standing stereotypes that GTA has adhered to, V will let you get wolf whistles from women just by clicking the right analog stick.  This doesn’t work on a 360, sadly – no click – and if you try it on a PC your mates will laugh at you.  Still, at least the PlayStation crowd have got their exclusive feature.  It’s currently being penned at a £10 on-the-disk DLC.  Enjoy.

It’s by Rockstar Games.  There was speculation previous to the trailer that the game would be handled by one of the cleaners down your local pub (ask Drake) but – thankfully – that’s not the case.  There’s apparently a leaked trailer of a work in progress build of GTA V done by said cleaner, but I’ve not seen it and wouldn’t suggest you seek it out.  It’s set in Scunthorpe, for starters.

Part of the game will see you as a caddy, frantically tapping X to run faster so that you can retrieve the ball from whatever ‘rough’ it has fallen into.  You don’t get to drive a golf buggy, and you certainly don’t get to swing a club – at least not until the Episodes of Grand Theft Auto V, the first part of which is currently dubbed The Ballad Of The Guy With The Golf Buggy And Club.

You don’t climb this mountain, you create it.  With your hands.  With Kinect.  Yes, in a surprise Xbox 360 exclusive section, GTA V will see you as the controller, waggling around trying to build a structure that will – spoilers – stop the incoming legion of elephants from trampling all over Vice City (see below). Any pesky civilians caught in the way can be stopped out, Populous-style, by making ridiculous gestures with your legs.

This isn’t GTA V, it’s PlayStation Home.  Somebody at Rockstar clearly made a complete error here.  Nice arse, though.

Missing in action since the early nineties, super ravers Altern-8 will be back in action.  They’ll be mapped to a special weapon which your seven lead characters can call upon at any time.  By pressing X, Triangle, Circle you’ll be able to make them pop-out of the nearest van and rave everyone up to f*ck.  The music will change from gangsta rap to wicked hardcore tunez as lights flash and strobe your opponents to almost certain death.  Does not work on elephants.

Finally listening to criticism from middle England, Rockstar have replaced the ability to hurt humans with a much more friendly ‘bash the signpost’ angle.  Instead of hunting prostitutes, killing them and robbing them off their nicely bundled money, you’ll be able to knock in signs, clean bins and brush driveways.  It’s safer, and – let’s be honest – will sell many more copies of the game.

Cars will have four exhausts.  Two isn’t enough, and one’s just laughable.  It’s not a car unless it can destroy the atmosphere quicker than it can get to sixty.  In this shot, the car is red, which clearly means that the guys from Halo machinima Red versus Blue will be involved.  We look forward to lingering shots over Blood Gulch with that slightly off centre American humour.

And, finally, it’s set in Vice City.  I know this looks like Vinewood, but I’m fairly sure that’s a typo.  I mean, I’ve seen palm trees, pina coladas and blokes with half rolled up sleeves in the trailer, and if that’s not Miami my name’s not Geoffrey.  Bollocks to LA, anyway, we’ve been there before in San Andreas, at least Vice City will be fresh and never seen before in a GTA game.

Hope that whetted your appetite further.

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53 Comments

  1. Haha, brilliant post

  2. Please, please put the caps back on your cleaning products. ;-)

  3. Brilliant – I lol’d

  4. Hmm, now I’m actually tempted buy this game…

    • Me too but only if the poop scooping is confirmed

      • And the “scoop” needs to be Move compatible.

  5. God you are sooo stupid, the second GTA game was set in Vice City. I can’t remember what it was called but it was totally set there. I think you played a guy called Tony Casettee

    • Haha – Tony Casettee sounds like a character from the mighty boosh!

  6. Altern-8 you say?!?

    *preorders*

  7. I know its tounge in cheek but its not that funny, its like you tried to be funny.

    • Wow, you don’t mince your words. Each to their own I guess. I liked it.

      • Generally funny people are trying to be funny. ;-)

        Doesn’t mean everyone has to like Ricky Gervais’ humour, though.

    • It’s cool to hate big franchises.

      • That explains all the CoD hate them.

      • ….and the FPS genre *rolls eye*

    • So Mr_Writer care to live up to your name and write something amusing for us!

      • He did – I laughed for ages at ‘tounge’. XD

      • Well spotted.

      • Spelling mistake aside, I didn’t claim to be funnier. I just think this just feels forced and a little ‘we are cooler then other sites because we don’t make articles stating the obvious’. Which they don’t normally. hence why I enjoy coming to this site. It gives me what I want, cold hard facts, without the fanboy shit.

        However seems I was wrong, because as soon as someone doesnt reply with a LOL I TOTALLY LAUGHED AT THIS, they have their opinion shot down. Again I know this is just poking fun at other sites, but to be honest it doesnt need to be said, we already know how desperate gaming sites are for hits.

      • “However seems I was wrong, because as soon as someone doesnt reply with a LOL I TOTALLY LAUGHED AT THIS, they have their opinion shot down. Again I know this is just poking fun at other sites, but to be honest it doesnt need to be said, we already know how desperate gaming sites are for hits.”

        That’s partly true – some of the stuff on certain sites has been a joke – but there’s also some funnies here, or at least, that was the intention.

        =)

    • I agree, I just don’t get it.

    • @ Mr_writer

      Just what I was thinking

  8. Lol, the perfect antidote to the internet GTA V frenzy.

  9. Here are 5 more facts that have been confirmed by Rockstar.

    1. You can particapte in an activity called “Dogging”. You control a dog and have to take a dump on anything within a time limit.

    2. You have to wash, shave and go to the loo every few hours in GTA5, if you don’t then the MC will soil themselves and grow a beard.

    3.If you preorder GTA5, you get a free piece of sand from LA.

    4. You can interact more with Kinect during the sex side activites

    5. You have to pay taxes or you will get a 9 star wanted level.

    Source:The wall and a talking Pizza. :P

    Excellent article Alex. :)

    • Well then, whoever I play as will stink of piss, and have a giant beard. :)

  10. The Tag Headline took several re-reads to get my head around.

    • i’m so glad it wasn’t just me then. ^_^

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