I don’t mess around. I don’t deal with nobodies and I certainly don’t appreciate pixel counters. That said, nobody really wanted to talk to me (must be this crappy blog I write for) so the best I could do was some made up z-list analysts and – well – some pixel counters.
“I quite like the trailer,” said Malcolm MacMalcolm of Malcolm, Malcolm and Malcolm Analysts, speaking exclusively to me for TheSixthAxis. “It was almost certainly a video which looks like it was advertising a game. I mean it had moving images and everything. And people! Clearly Rockstar are geniuses of the highest order to create such a piece.”
“As for the game, it will almost certainly sell so many copies that it will alter the orbit of the moon thanks to the the extra mass.” MacMalcolm said, demonstrating his well-earned reputation for understatement. “I also love the dubstepping music they’ve used, with all that Jungle Jazz.”
Malcolm’s no bit player though. He’s got mad skills, and I respect his musical knowledge. “I reckon I can see elements of the GTA V trailer that resemble the output of an Amiga,” he said.
But I didn’t stop there. I get the real shit for TheSixthAxis.
Turning to my little black book, I call up Travis Bertwistle-Thorpe Jr II, an old mate and someone with a keen eye (or two – well – one actually) for the details. He tells me that GTA V will be “out before the world ends” and that it’s clear gamers will “have to pay money” to own it.
Shocking stuff, and that’s only the bits he wanted on the record.
“I reckon there’s a 10 – 25% chance there’ll be guns in it,” he says, enlightening me and yet chilling me to the bone with his Nostradamus-esque reasoning. “Signs are looking good that characters will be able to both walk and drive in cars” I don’t press him, he’s a mate, but he seemed pretty confident in his predictions.
Me? I’ve been hanging around some pixel counters. “There’s at least a hundred,” said one such chap, wishing to remain anonymous. “And some of them have jaggies, There was even some 4x z-axis dongdangling going on at one point, it was as clear as a misty winter’s morn in the mountains of Aringahee, to the trained expert.”
Mental insights, I’m sure you’ll agree. It’s all mad stuff, and I can’t wait to play it.
Got my A1200 all set up ready.
This has been Bartholomew Crumdangle, making up the news nobody else can be bothered to look for.
hunterstryfe
But it’s not really unconstructive or constructive if it goes too far. This may have been this guys first article and you shove it back down their throat – tut tut
Death_In_Flamez
This is in fact his second article, the first of which got a mixed reaction in any case.
C_S15
I get it, it’s just not funny :\ Please stop these.
Mike
I normally reserve judgment on articles but really, how did this one slip through and make it on the front page? It’s cringe-worthy at best, irritating at worst. Should have been a forum post or something.
skibadee
not being a hatter but I afree with Mike.
skibadee
agree :)
skibadee
hater^^ man I need sleep no more comments for me tonight lol.
C_S15
Hatters gonna hat.
Jakster123x
Hehe, hatters gonna hat :)
bacon_nuts
“hatters gonna hat” is possibly the best comment I’ve seen all week.
halbpro
Well that implies there was some oversight, there wasn’t. We felt it was funny, the community did not. People’s senses of humour differ. I, for example, would not have commissioned The Office because I think it’s utterly humourless.
Peco
It’s funny because I quite like these articles because it’s almost as if they’ve been written by David Brent himself!
srr1
If that is your view on comedy please can we get someone else at TSA to commission the posts.
I think the idea of ‘comedy’ doesn’t seem to be known at TSA.
Jakster123x
The same response happened last week. Admittedly it wasn’t hilarious but give the guy/gal a break.
Broonba
I can’t believe i wasted 3 minutes of my life reading this article :(
yiddo
I can’t believe it took you 3 minutes to read that :(
UKZ-N3M1515
haha, im glad this article was made now, just for your comment, ylddo. *Thumbs up*
Death_In_Flamez
yiddo, that comment, that sad face, made. my. day
The Lone Steven
It got a bit of a chuckle from me but it’s trying too hard to be funny. Plus, why do some members think that i wrote it? It’s too sane and clean.:p
I think TSA should stick to witty one liners. ;)(and giving me free tea)
theshockwave
Let’s all just pretend nothing ever happened.
Kaminari
I reckon it will run lovely on my BlizardPPC and Voodoo 3 combo.
peespee63
Those were some incredible insights, Bartholomew, well done sir. I feel much more confident in my opinions on this forthcoming title.
And everybody else, I know haters gonna hate and all, but maybe lighten up a little? It’s a bit of fun; an unserious, light-hearted, jovial little distraction and it got me chuckling a couple of times.
spooferbarnabas
Wow people do like to overreact, if you don’t find it funny then you don’t have to read it or comment in a way which isn’t vaguely constructive or helpful.
Origami Killer
agree with you here. I found it so bizarre that it was funny to me, and thought it was so unfunny that I laughed at it. Makes no sense, nor does this article.
Mr_writer
Then maybe they should scrub opinion from under the logo. If people like it and comment then thoes who dont like it are free to do the same. I myself thought the writer tried hard to be funny. That not his fault, comedy is very hard to write, if we had been sat in a room with him, with a ps3, pizza and a beer and he said these things (in a silly voice) then it might have an impact. His humor seems more a niche, if he’s happy with that then cool. If he wants to broaden his auidence then the negative comments will help that.