I don’t mess around. I don’t deal with nobodies and I certainly don’t appreciate pixel counters. That said, nobody really wanted to talk to me (must be this crappy blog I write for) so the best I could do was some made up z-list analysts and – well – some pixel counters.
“I quite like the trailer,” said Malcolm MacMalcolm of Malcolm, Malcolm and Malcolm Analysts, speaking exclusively to me for TheSixthAxis. “It was almost certainly a video which looks like it was advertising a game. I mean it had moving images and everything. And people! Clearly Rockstar are geniuses of the highest order to create such a piece.”
“As for the game, it will almost certainly sell so many copies that it will alter the orbit of the moon thanks to the the extra mass.” MacMalcolm said, demonstrating his well-earned reputation for understatement. “I also love the dubstepping music they’ve used, with all that Jungle Jazz.”
Malcolm’s no bit player though. He’s got mad skills, and I respect his musical knowledge. “I reckon I can see elements of the GTA V trailer that resemble the output of an Amiga,” he said.
[drop2]I nearly spat out my Mountain Dew. “Amiga?” I asked, incredulously. “Yep,” replied MacMalcolm, “look again.”. And look again I did. It’s obvious when you know, but I can’t unsee it now: the blocky graphics, the Team 17 logo, the Zipstick slightly in shot like a cheap boom mic. It all fits.But I didn’t stop there. I get the real shit for TheSixthAxis.
Turning to my little black book, I call up Travis Bertwistle-Thorpe Jr II, an old mate and someone with a keen eye (or two – well – one actually) for the details. He tells me that GTA V will be “out before the world ends” and that it’s clear gamers will “have to pay money” to own it.
Shocking stuff, and that’s only the bits he wanted on the record.
“I reckon there’s a 10 – 25% chance there’ll be guns in it,” he says, enlightening me and yet chilling me to the bone with his Nostradamus-esque reasoning. “Signs are looking good that characters will be able to both walk and drive in cars” I don’t press him, he’s a mate, but he seemed pretty confident in his predictions.
Me? I’ve been hanging around some pixel counters. “There’s at least a hundred,” said one such chap, wishing to remain anonymous. “And some of them have jaggies, There was even some 4x z-axis dongdangling going on at one point, it was as clear as a misty winter’s morn in the mountains of Aringahee, to the trained expert.”
Mental insights, I’m sure you’ll agree. It’s all mad stuff, and I can’t wait to play it.
Got my A1200 all set up ready.
This has been Bartholomew Crumdangle, making up the news nobody else can be bothered to look for.
UKZ-N3M1515
Meh, if this brought a smile to just 1 persons face, and the writer enjoyed writing it, then its a success. Its better than coming to TSA and finding nothing to read.
Mr_writer
There is plenty to read.
aerobes
Tough crowd. The “real shit” huh? Nice that you go the extra mile. ;)
BigCheese
What was this all about? Seriously, TSA normally has cleverly constructed, well-written, crudely humorous articles churned out, and they’re almost always a good read. And then you just lay this shit on me? Shamefully cringe-worthy, literally the worst piece ever posted on the site.
colmshan1990
There be some commentators ‘acting like a nob’ here…
If you don’t like it, fine. I didn’t.
But there was some good effort, a couple of funny lines…
There’s no need to get abusive about the article.
moshi
I would hardly say we are acting like nobs, just a dig at the writer in a light hearted way the way they intended the article to be in the first place.
Mike
People voicing their opinions are ‘acting like nobs’? I don’t see any abusive comments, just people airing their opinion, just like people who like the article airing their opinion.
spooferbarnabas
Maybe ‘acting like nobs’ is a strong and it wasn’t abusive, but some of the comments weren’t constructive or helpful and could’ve been phrased better. Some people need to lighten up or realise they don’t need to read it if they know they’re not going to like it.
pitchforkdisney
well it’s not digitiser but at least someone’s having a go.
Mick939
It was satire and i liked it, nowadays if your not dressing as a chav spouting ‘buzz words’ on bbc3 people cant contemplate. It wasn’t meant to have you laughing out loud, it was poking fun at how over analysed a trailer for a video game is. Well done.
hazelam
will they release a cd version? i don’t have a desktop amiga anymore, but i can dig out my old cd32. ^_^
Kev
Will they be doing an N64 version? I’ve worn out the cartridge for Goldeneye …
Darksidesystems
Please stop writing these “articles”. There’s little enough gaming news on a Sunday as it is without them. Almost as boring now as the “game has online pass shocker!” troll-bait that turns up far too often here. I used to love TSA but my opinion is rapidly changing :(
LosHavros
Lighten up everyone, it’s called satire.