If Bethesda Made…

Join me as we fire up the TSA Time Microwave, feed it a mince pie to confuse the circuits and travel to an alternate universe where Bethesda are the only software developer. What would our favourite games be like If Bethesda Made…

Killzone 3:

Sev and Rico get married in an awkward ceremony surrounded by the bodies of dead Helghast. They then spend twenty hours scavenging the ruined cities of Helghan, picking up every plate and mug they can find to sell to cats so they can buy a pokey house. They spend the rest of the game making bread.

Sonic the Hedgehog:

Sonic gets shot and loses his memory. He awakens in a nuclear wasteland and is befriended by Doctor AmusingRobot who advises Sonic to wear some particularly heavy Paladin armour, which means our hero can only move at the speed of a lethargic mollusc.

A pseudo-sequel is released; it is set in Las Vegas and is identical to the first game but with a different shade of brown and the crabs are slightly more vicious.

[drop2]Spyro:

Spyro flies backwards.

Uncharted:

The Duke of Sully sends Drake on countless quests which always involve a mysterious cave and shooting bad guys. Elena joins the team as Drakes companion and regularly uses her special skill of getting in the way.

Later in the game the Wizardress Chloe joins the party and bewitches enemies by casting the spell of PertArse.

Call Of Duty Modern Warfare 3:

The Dragonborn is part of Delta Squad, an elite team of soldiers who are fighting to reclaim New York from the Russians. A covert operation to blow up a submarine in New York habour goes awry when the Dragonborn insists on riding his horse rather than using scuba gear. Also features exploding mountains and a Nazi zombie dragon mini game.

L.A. Noire:

Bethesda invent a ground breaking facial animation technique called ‘Thunderbirdpuppetmotion’. Characters are ultra realistic and barely move their face whilst speaking. No matter what you are doing everyone looks at you and makes your character feel very uncomfortable.

In an unexpected twist, Bethesda reveal that they have based the game on the classic movie ‘They Live’ and ever other character is an alien, hence the intense stares. This also explains why they occasionally float ten feet off the ground and move like a groovy Dalek.

The Darkness:

Essentially a re-tread of L.A. Noire, but with added tentacles.

Movies With Kinect:

The Dragonborn tries to get a movie to play using the new Kinect voice control. After thirty minutes of screaming “XBOX, PLAY RANGO”  our exasperated hero unleashes a Shout, blows the living room wall out in to the street and watches helplessly as the building collapses, crushing his family to death.

Deus Ex: Human Revolution

Players control the cybernetically enhanced racing driver Jensen Button. They spend the opening three hours of the game upgrading their sneak skills and visiting the Wizards of Hacking until they encounter the first boss, where they find sneaking and hacking is utterly useless and what they really needed was a bloody big gun.

Grand Theft Auto IV

All vehicles are removed from the game with the exception of a single horse. Players can spend hundreds of hours mining for crack cocaine and selling it to the inhabitants of the eastern district of NewYurk , all of whom are voiced by Arnold Schwarzenegger.

[drop]Batman: Arkham City

Bruce Wayne has a secret ability – at night he transforms in a giant bat with +50 night vision and a penchant for insect based snacks. His nemesis is the Jester of Arkham Court who has a strange attraction to the colour purple.

Other characters include Catwoman, a woman with a cat face; Killer Croc, a killer crocodile; and the Penguin, a small flightless bird found on the snowy northern shores of Arkham.

The game also features an unusual time mechanic borrowed from the film Dark City as no matter what time of day it is, it is always night.

Just Dance 3

Fire up the Kinect and body pop to the top forty Lute tunes from the Elder Scrolls saga. Includes the classics ‘Fol De Rol De Lol’, ‘I’ve Got A Brand New Scythe’ and the chart topping ‘I.R.A.D.R.A.G.O.N’ by the Black Eyed Peas.  Lady Gaga is available as DLC video in which she writhes about astride a shaved Mammoth and casts the spell Dampklunge.

Forza 4

The flagship holiday release from Betheseda. The game starts well but as players progress through the simulation the frame rates begins to drop. After forty hours of play time the races take place over two frames, one at the starting line and the second at the finish. Bethesda patch the game but it has no discernible effect apart from making all the Lamborghinis drive sideways.

The Last Guardian

The game would be out.

– PAGE CONTINUES BELOW –

31 Comments

  1. ….would all be full of bugs.

    • Dammit! I was gonna say that. *Sigh*

      Anyway, great article. Is this gonna be a regular feature? :)

  2. hahahahahhahahaha OMG this was awesome! just what i needed today!
    i would really like to listen to the song :Fol De Rol De Lol!
    awesome writing TC =) more of this=)
    sooo this is the infamous time travelling microwave?

    • The Time Travellig Microwave was part of the TSA crew in the early days and was regaularly fed a Ginsters pasty by Lewis to travel through time (search TSA for Microwave to read his exploits).

      Sadly after Lewis left for ScreenDemon the TTM has seen little use and is kept in a box near the entrance to my cave at the back of the office.

  3. haha :P Actually that bit on Deus Ex sums the game up perfectly.

    • I wanted to hunt down the developers and shove at least a dozen copies up each hole when I got to that boss.
      I understand that different teams designed the boss fights and the rest of the game but didn’t anyone test it?

      • I have opted for non lethal so haven’t killed anyone get, don’t have any weapons, on hardest difficulty and how the F**K am I meant to kill him with no weapons!

      • There are a lot of very conveniently placed weapons around the bosses on the boss levels so you can just pick them up when you get there.

      • I die before I can lol :P

      • I think it took me like 5 tries so I was quite lucky because the first 4 times I died almost instantly and when he did die I was running away from him and the cut scene kicked in so no idea what actually finished him off haha.

      • I was pretty lucky because I always kept some big guns with me to sell them later and ended up needing them at the boss fights. Never had any serious trouble even though I went with hacking and stealth augmentations.

      • I spent about 3 days trying to get past himn when I was workin on the review. Toss a grenade at him to zap his electronics then run aroud and collect all the ammo. Then run past up to the little alcove ion the top riht of the screen. He cant follow you in there, s wait until he wanders off, run out, shoot him in the back then go hide again. Repeat for about ten minutes.

  4. Some great bits in there. Very amusing. Gotta feel sorry for the QA teams, their bugs must be ignored in the rush to get games out…

  5. Very good & although I assume your jesting, well I’m laughing ;), it could easily be true! :o

  6. Loved the Spyro comment.

    • It’s the only one that made me chuckle. Some other ones were pretty clever too but Spyro took stole the show. :D

  7. …and regularly uses her special skill of getting in the way. – brilliant! Really made me chuckle.

  8. …. a game that would be good, until it got hit in the knee with an arrow.

  9. Hahahahahahaaa, it’s all so believable lol

  10. Good to see the microwave making a comeback. Very funny article this =).

Comments are now closed for this post.