If Bethesda Made…

Join me as we fire up the TSA Time Microwave, feed it a mince pie to confuse the circuits and travel to an alternate universe where Bethesda are the only software developer. What would our favourite games be like If Bethesda Made…

Killzone 3:

Sev and Rico get married in an awkward ceremony surrounded by the bodies of dead Helghast. They then spend twenty hours scavenging the ruined cities of Helghan, picking up every plate and mug they can find to sell to cats so they can buy a pokey house. They spend the rest of the game making bread.

Sonic the Hedgehog:

Sonic gets shot and loses his memory. He awakens in a nuclear wasteland and is befriended by Doctor AmusingRobot who advises Sonic to wear some particularly heavy Paladin armour, which means our hero can only move at the speed of a lethargic mollusc.

A pseudo-sequel is released; it is set in Las Vegas and is identical to the first game but with a different shade of brown and the crabs are slightly more vicious.

Spyro flies backwards.

Uncharted:

The Duke of Sully sends Drake on countless quests which always involve a mysterious cave and shooting bad guys. Elena joins the team as Drakes companion and regularly uses her special skill of getting in the way.

Later in the game the Wizardress Chloe joins the party and bewitches enemies by casting the spell of PertArse.

Call Of Duty Modern Warfare 3:

The Dragonborn is part of Delta Squad, an elite team of soldiers who are fighting to reclaim New York from the Russians. A covert operation to blow up a submarine in New York habour goes awry when the Dragonborn insists on riding his horse rather than using scuba gear. Also features exploding mountains and a Nazi zombie dragon mini game.

L.A. Noire:

Bethesda invent a ground breaking facial animation technique called ‘Thunderbirdpuppetmotion’. Characters are ultra realistic and barely move their face whilst speaking. No matter what you are doing everyone looks at you and makes your character feel very uncomfortable.

In an unexpected twist, Bethesda reveal that they have based the game on the classic movie ‘They Live’ and ever other character is an alien, hence the intense stares. This also explains why they occasionally float ten feet off the ground and move like a groovy Dalek.

The Darkness:

Essentially a re-tread of L.A. Noire, but with added tentacles.

Movies With Kinect:

The Dragonborn tries to get a movie to play using the new Kinect voice control. After thirty minutes of screaming “XBOX, PLAY RANGO”  our exasperated hero unleashes a Shout, blows the living room wall out in to the street and watches helplessly as the building collapses, crushing his family to death.

Deus Ex: Human Revolution

Players control the cybernetically enhanced racing driver Jensen Button. They spend the opening three hours of the game upgrading their sneak skills and visiting the Wizards of Hacking until they encounter the first boss, where they find sneaking and hacking is utterly useless and what they really needed was a bloody big gun.

Grand Theft Auto IV

All vehicles are removed from the game with the exception of a single horse. Players can spend hundreds of hours mining for crack cocaine and selling it to the inhabitants of the eastern district of NewYurk , all of whom are voiced by Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Bruce Wayne has a secret ability – at night he transforms in a giant bat with +50 night vision and a penchant for insect based snacks. His nemesis is the Jester of Arkham Court who has a strange attraction to the colour purple.

Other characters include Catwoman, a woman with a cat face; Killer Croc, a killer crocodile; and the Penguin, a small flightless bird found on the snowy northern shores of Arkham.

The game also features an unusual time mechanic borrowed from the film Dark City as no matter what time of day it is, it is always night.

Just Dance 3

Fire up the Kinect and body pop to the top forty Lute tunes from the Elder Scrolls saga. Includes the classics ‘Fol De Rol De Lol’, ‘I’ve Got A Brand New Scythe’ and the chart topping ‘I.R.A.D.R.A.G.O.N’ by the Black Eyed Peas.  Lady Gaga is available as DLC video in which she writhes about astride a shaved Mammoth and casts the spell Dampklunge.

Forza 4

The flagship holiday release from Betheseda. The game starts well but as players progress through the simulation the frame rates begins to drop. After forty hours of play time the races take place over two frames, one at the starting line and the second at the finish. Bethesda patch the game but it has no discernible effect apart from making all the Lamborghinis drive sideways.

The Last Guardian

The game would be out.