News Snatch: Regulations, EA, Revegetarian And Drinks On Capcom

It’s back and with the gaming press about to implode in a cloud of self importance, stringent regulations and mass de-friendings on Facebook there could not be a better time for News Snatch to return from the grave and prod the entire games industry with a massive pointy stick.

In case you were not around for the first incarnation of News Snatch this is how it works: I round up the minor stories of the day then try and make amusing jokes about them. Some of the facts below may be completely made up for the purposes of a good joke. All opinions are entirely mine and not representative of TSA because everyone else is far more tactful and polite than me.

All clear? Let’s get stuck in.

EA is a bit upset, their top wizard Frank Gibeau telling an investor call that reviews from magazines and websites were ‘below internal company reviews’. “We take product quality very seriously, we are not happy with how Warfighter has been received,” he added. Well Frank, either make a better game or send reviewers boxes of Doritos and Mountain Dew, I hear that works wonders…

Microsoft has been showing off Halo 4 to the world and staged the biggest promotional stunt ever seen. They did not hire a bar, not even a nightclub packed full of Z-list celebrities, nosiree, instead they decided to take over a whole frickin’ country. Some of the most famous landmarks in the Principality of Liechtenstein were Halo’d including a 13th century castle and a working mine.

As you can see from the lavish video, no expense has been spared. Can you spot any video games writers eating mini burgers, enjoying the hospitality?

Namco Bandai has offered their apologies after it was discovered that Tekken Tag Tournament 2’s Saudi Arabia stage has an image on the floor of the play area that contains the Arabic script for Allah. It appears the team were unaware of the writings, producer Katsuhiro Harada  tweeted “We didn’t know that. We will change stage design data as soon as possible. We couldn’t read that.” Namco Bandai has vowed to remove the text as soon as possible. Perhaps they could replace it with a nice picture of Muhammad? No?

Konami has unveiled – and by unveiled I mean ‘sent an email’ but ‘unveiled’ sounds dead posh and proffeskinial and all that – the special editions of Metal Gear Rising Revegetarian. The usual steel book option is available for those who want to pay extra for shiny metal, whilst the special edition comes with a lovely statue of Raiden and his gigantic codpiece. Just look at him there on the right, proudly thrusting his groin forward to show off his shiny white cock holder. If you look closely you will see that the codpiece is about the same size as his foot so he is incredibly well endowed, for a cyborg.

The drinks are on Capcom, or at least they would be if games writers were partaking in any sort of alcoholic promotional event – WHICH NO ONE EVER IS ANYMORE EVER PERIOD – because they have made sales worth 354 million quid. Resident Evil 6 did quite well but Dragon’s Dogma ‘exceeded expectations’. In the interests of transparency I will state that I did go to a Capcom preview event and I did see a a very early demo of Dragon’s Dogma played out on a screen whilst quaffing a cup of coffee. However I did not write up the preview of the game because at that time it looked utter pants and I couldn’t think of anything to say about it other than to make a joke about ‘downloading your friends pawn’.

And finally, we return to Microsoft who are offering free pizza with Halo 4. Or possibly Halo 4 with free pizza. Maybe a pizza in the shape of Master Chief? Is it an Xbox made of Pizza? No wait, it’s the chance to win a special 7″ mini Pepperoni pizza which also doubles as DVD so you you can slot in to your Xbox and play the game. Possibly. Dagnabbit I haven’t got a clue, if only some helpful website had posted the press release.

That’s your Snatch for today, more soon. Tata!

Transparency Statement: Tuffcub has not been paid for this item, or had any contact with the persons and companies named. The last freebie he received was a Game Of Thrones t-shirt which was far too small but we said the game was crap so that freebie obviously had no effect. He has 456 points on his Nectar card and had a Hoi Sin Duck roll for lunch which he purchased himself. He likes pina coladas, getting caught in the rain and beefy American lumberjacks. Will perform soliloquies from Hamlet for Wine Gums.