It’s back and with the gaming press about to implode in a cloud of self importance, stringent regulations and mass de-friendings on Facebook there could not be a better time for News Snatch to return from the grave and prod the entire games industry with a massive pointy stick.
In case you were not around for the first incarnation of News Snatch this is how it works: I round up the minor stories of the day then try and make amusing jokes about them. Some of the facts below may be completely made up for the purposes of a good joke. All opinions are entirely mine and not representative of TSA because everyone else is far more tactful and polite than me.
All clear? Let’s get stuck in.
EA is a bit upset, their top wizard Frank Gibeau telling an investor call that reviews from magazines and websites were ‘below internal company reviews’. “We take product quality very seriously, we are not happy with how Warfighter has been received,” he added. Well Frank, either make a better game or send reviewers boxes of Doritos and Mountain Dew, I hear that works wonders…
Microsoft has been showing off Halo 4 to the world and staged the biggest promotional stunt ever seen. They did not hire a bar, not even a nightclub packed full of Z-list celebrities, nosiree, instead they decided to take over a whole frickin’ country. Some of the most famous landmarks in the Principality of Liechtenstein were Halo’d including a 13th century castle and a working mine.
As you can see from the lavish video, no expense has been spared. Can you spot any video games writers eating mini burgers, enjoying the hospitality?
Namco Bandai has offered their apologies after it was discovered that Tekken Tag Tournament 2’s Saudi Arabia stage has an image on the floor of the play area that contains the Arabic script for Allah. It appears the team were unaware of the writings, producer Katsuhiro Harada  tweeted “We didn’t know that. We will change stage design data as soon as possible. We couldn’t read that.” Namco Bandai has vowed to remove the text as soon as possible. Perhaps they could replace it with a nice picture of Muhammad? No?
Konami has unveiled – and by unveiled I mean ‘sent an email’ but ‘unveiled’ sounds dead posh and proffeskinial and all that – the special editions of Metal Gear Rising Revegetarian. The usual steel book option is available for those who want to pay extra for shiny metal, whilst the special edition comes with a lovely statue of Raiden and his gigantic codpiece. Just look at him there on the right, proudly thrusting his groin forward to show off his shiny white cock holder. If you look closely you will see that the codpiece is about the same size as his foot so he is incredibly well endowed, for a cyborg.
The drinks are on Capcom, or at least they would be if games writers were partaking in any sort of alcoholic promotional event – WHICH NO ONE EVER IS ANYMORE EVER PERIOD – because they have made sales worth 354 million quid. Resident Evil 6 did quite well but Dragon’s Dogma ‘exceeded expectations’. In the interests of transparency I will state that I did go to a Capcom preview event and I did see a a very early demo of Dragon’s Dogma played out on a screen whilst quaffing a cup of coffee. However I did not write up the preview of the game because at that time it looked utter pants and I couldn’t think of anything to say about it other than to make a joke about ‘downloading your friends pawn’.
And finally, we return to Microsoft who are offering free pizza with Halo 4. Or possibly Halo 4 with free pizza. Maybe a pizza in the shape of Master Chief? Is it an Xbox made of Pizza? No wait, it’s the chance to win a special 7″ mini Pepperoni pizza which also doubles as DVD so you you can slot in to your Xbox and play the game. Possibly. Dagnabbit I haven’t got a clue, if only some helpful website had posted the press release.
That’s your Snatch for today, more soon. Tata!
Transparency Statement: Tuffcub has not been paid for this item, or had any contact with the persons and companies named. The last freebie he received was a Game Of Thrones t-shirt which was far too small but we said the game was crap so that freebie obviously had no effect. He has 456 points on his Nectar card and had a Hoi Sin Duck roll for lunch which he purchased himself. He likes pina coladas, getting caught in the rain and beefy American lumberjacks. Will perform soliloquies from Hamlet for Wine Gums.
Bilbo_bobbins
I like Snatch, more please Tuffcub
The Lone Steven
Yes he has! he was paid in a bottle of Mountain Dew and Doritos! I’m know the truth and it won’t be silenced! Tuffcub is baised as he accepted the said dew and crisps. Biased i tells ya! :p
EA, make a better game and reviewers won’t take a dump on it via writing as well as not throwing a hissy fit.
Well, there is a reason why it’s called MGS:Rising Tuffcub. ;) But it’s no surprised as MGS since 2 seemed to have made sure that the arses and cod peices are notable, baring MGS3. :S Think Kojima may be a bit of a perv.
So if there is no drinking allowed in gaming journalism, does that mean Peter will be forced to either sack you or ban you from attending any parties held by publishers?
As for the Halo 4 pizza, does it come with Master Cheese? I’ll grab my coat and chuck myself out of the window. Also, LEAVE THE PIZZAS OUT OF THIS! What have they done to you? Somebody think of the pizzas!
Twas entertaining Tuffcub. :) I look forward to next week’s one. Although try not to get TSA blacklisted by everyone. :p
gazzagb
Woo, News Snatch is back!
I don’t get how EA can be surprised at how Warfighter was received, they must of known it was going to be bad before it was released.
Sympozium
I WANY MY GODDAMN MOUNTAIN DEEEW!…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FeJ1UqnHsvU
The Lone Steven
pfft, Dr Pepper is far surperior to Mountain Dew. All worship Dr Pepper. :P
Forrest_01
No, i prefer Mr Pibb – delicious, refreshing, and totally lacking in pretension. He’s not one of those “Doctor” sodas, putting on airs and flashing around his Ivy League diploma. ;)
The Lone Steven
Mr Pibb is a shrivelled hagfish! He is lazy, refuses to work and is drunk all of the time where as the good old doctor is actually saving lives.*
*This may be a lie and he actually abuses his position to see tits*
Forrest_01
Not an American Dad fan then? :)
Kennykazey
Dr Pepper is one of the worst and most dissapointing beverages I’ve ever had.
The Lone Steven
I am an American Dad Fan. :) Tis better then the recent series of Family Guy imo. :)
Michael
Hurray! I like Tuffcub’s snatch and I always will.
Tuffcub
*does happy bear dance*
colmshan1990
I should be a games writer.
I don’t like Doritos OR Mountain Dew, therefore my integrity could never be brought into question…
Peter Chapman
I’d sell all of my remaining dignity for a share bag of Mexican Fiery Chipotle Sensations and a bottle of Cherry Coke. Just sayin’
The Lone Steven
Disclaimer:Peter may actually be lying about this and just wants free coke. Also, TSA only accepts biscuits and tea as bribes.
cc_star
Ginger biscuits and Tetley
Nate
*Throws in a packet of Wine Gums.
Go.
Tuffcub
To be, or not to be–that is the question:
Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
And by opposing end them. To die, to sleep–
No more–and by a sleep to say we end
The heartache, and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to. ‘Tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep–
To sleep–perchance to dream: ay, there’s the rub!
RudeAwakening
In the Halo vid……Ricardo Tirapani Professional Gamer!
Ok how do i become a Professional Gamer and more importantly can i make a ton of money from it? :P
RudeAwakening
“He likes pina coladas, getting caught in the rain and beefy American lumberjacks”.
At the same time? :P
Tuffcub
Yes please.
Jones81
I must say i am rather partial to a new snatch….