What NOT To Expect From Tonight’s PlayStation Meeting

Following on from our speculation of what to expect at Sony’s PlayStation Meeting this evening – it’s at 8PM UK time, if you want to watch! – we have decided that for the sake of balance, we should post our expert opinions and thoughts on what not to expect.

  • Cakes, Mary Berry and Paul Hollywood – You are watching the wrong thing, you want The Great British Bake Off which is on BBC One at exactly the same time. Unfortunately, we are going to have to miss it so we can watch Sony’s presentation, but we do love a good Cream Horn.
  • The Rapture: Talking of things getting creamy, the fan boys and girls will be moist with anticipation. However, as much as they worship at the altar of Sony, being first in line for every piece of video game tech, we have been assured that this will not guarantee their place in Heaven. That said, if they meet the other fan boys they are almost certain to get their hands on forty-two virgins.
  • A Third USB Port: We got that wrong. Sorry.
  • Andrew House Pretends The PS4 Slim Leak Did Not Happen: Andrew presents a ten minute segment on the brand new PlayStation 4 Slim and refuses to acknowledge that the console is already being bought and sold by people on the internet.
  • A Pack Of Wild Bears Being Defeated By Jack Tretton: Being from Britain, we’re not really used to wildlife more intimidating than an enraged badger or an urban fox, but we understand that America is full of far more fearsome fauna. Should wild bears invade the stage, Jack Tretton would have been the obvious choice to take them down, all while effortlessly segueing into the trailer for the new, hottest game. Of course, since Tretton’s departure some years ago, Sony have been under constant threat of bear attack. Who’s gonna take them down now? Andrew House? Don’t make us laugh.
  • Aisha Tyler Being Ladylike: Aisha will appear on stage in a demure outfit, dainty lace gloves and parasol. Over high tea she will discuss the positive merits of Ubisoft’s PlayStation VR games without swearing.
  • A Giant Enemy Crab: Kaz Hirai will take to the stage to explain how the combat in For Honor is based on “famous battles which actually took place in ancient Japan” and includes that most famous of historical events, the attack of the Giant Enemy Crabs.

  • PlayStation VR Porn: Given that Dead or Alive Xtreme 3 VR is just a few pixels away from a triple X rating, Sony go ahead and allow full on sexy naughtiness to be supported on PlayStation VR. The interactive videos immediately top the Sony video charts and stay there forever, raising billions in streaming revenue for Sony. However, three Sony execs have to resign and apologise to their families after admitting that Sony’s TV division losses have been offset by huge amounts of T&A on PSVR.
  • The iPhone 7: That was earlier in the evening, you muppet.
  • An Optical Output: To be slightly serious for a second, the PS4 Slim has apparently ditched the console’s optical out and while many won’t care about this at all, it seems to have enraged Teflon to a concerning degree. He just loves fancy headsets it seems, and Sony robbing him of this feature has really rubbed him the wrong way. We’re only bringing it up now because he’s on the other side of the Atlantic, where we’re safe from the berserker rage he’s sure to fly into at being reminded about the humble output has been removed.
  • The Kaz Harai Slim: Sony reveal a new, thinner executive following a rigorous exercise regime and strict diet. The KH Slim is has 12% less body fat than the previous version and can run up to 4K.

Written by Kris & Tuff, with contributions from Adam, Teflon, and Jim 

Written by
News Editor, very inappropriate, probs fancies your dad.


  1. Love that picture of House- genius.

    Wouldn’t be surprised if he actually got around the subject without too much awkwardness.

  2. Removing the optical port is an annoying move, concidering the amount of headsets and audio setups that use it. Not as bad as removing the minijack, but still.

    Hopefully we can expect SATA 3, so we’ll get decent read-speeds from our harddrives.

  3. Oh no! Baking or Sony. Or avoid the internet until I can watch the baking later on.

    Which is a more appropriate time to watch it, as this current series has been utter filth which shouldn’t be shown at 8PM when children could watch it and not appreciate such rude comments.

    But then what if the baking has giant enemy crabs in it? Actually, that’s unlikely. Although they did have giant squirrel genitals that one time…

  4. Still reckon they might have some sort of workaround for the optical out, maybe an HDMI adapter that routes audio out via an optional optical port. Seems too crazy otherwise.

    On a seperate note, I think you’ll find the fanboys won’t be virgins if a rapture happens. Not if you count shagging your PS4 daily as an sexual act, as well as getting to a high point every time #4thePlayers is used.

    Alas, I think I miss the subtly of Mary Berry and Paul Hollywood :(

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