Some Surprising Nintendo Switch Hot Takes

With Nintendo’s Switch reveal now behind us, I’m sure plenty of you feel you know exactly what you can expect from Nintendo’s next console. However, we feel there might have been a few things you’ve missed over the course of Nintendo’s stage show, so here’s a round-up of some of the less obvious hot takes.

A Very Relaxing Experience

How many times have you had to quit playing a game because your body has simply been too tense? I mean I can’t actually remember any right now, but I can only assume I’ve experienced it a hundred times judging by Nintendo’s stage presentation. In retrospect it’s obvious that modern controllers are incredibly uncomfortable, causing my hands to cramp and my shoulders to ache.

Sure, you may think that the grips on the DualShock, Xbox One controller and even Nintendo’s own Pro controller would fit comfortably in your hands, but Nintendo’s presentation has made it obvious that Joy-Con’s mostly rectangular design is the way forwards in terms of comfort. I mean why else would they have had a guy literally flop on a sofa mid-presentation, the tension clearly flowing from his shoulders? I mean that’d just be insane unless the controllers were a comfort revolution.

An Alex Kidd Revival

Nintendo highlights plenty of the Joy-Con’s features during their stage show, but one that stuck out for me was the IR camera. Apparently developer’s can use this to detect distance and basic shapes, an element Nintendo demonstrated with Rock, Paper, Scissors. To most this seems like a simple tech demo, but the coded message is obvious: Nintendo is making a new Alex Kidd game!

Alex Kidd in Miracle World may not be a game that rings a bell for many people, but for me it was almost as big a part of my childhood as Sonic. I only had a handfull of games for my Master System II, but Alex Kidd in Miracle World was one of my most beloved. However, unlike Sonic, Alex Kidd has mostly been lost to time, presumably cast aside for being too weird.

While there was a lot about Alex Kidd that was unusal, not least the fact that he threw fireball punches despite seeming like a perfectly normal child, it was the boss fights that really threw you for a loop. Most games have you confront a boss by jumping on their head or finding their weak points, but Alex Kidd broke away from this somewhat. Instead of physically confronting your opponent, they instead challenged you to a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors. Yes, really.

Of course, the Master System lacked anything as impressive as an IR camera – a light gun was about as fancy as it got – and you were forced to select from an on screen menu like a savage. The Switch will correct this, allowing players to become fully immersed by really playing a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors with their new console.

Plenty of New Lawsuits

Speaking of Joy-Con features, Nintendo also showed of their HD Rumble feature. Evidently, this is so precise that not only can they simulate an ice cube in a glass, they can even make it feel like you’re holding a glass full of water. This is leading only one place – lawsuits.

You may remember reports of lawsuits when people threw their Wiimotes into their TVs while simply trying to bowl or play virtual tennis. Sure, there were straps, but how were people supposed to know they were actually supposed to use them?

Now imagine the situation. You’re holding a Joy-Con while playing you’re favourite Nintendo Switch game, and you’re engorossed in a particularly compelling cutscene. Suddenly your Joy-Con feels like it’s filling with water. You’ve been playing for a long time and your thirsty, so a drink of water would obviously be appreciated. You try to drink your controller, but instead of some refreshing water, you instead find yourself chipping a tooth on a controller with far too realistic rumble. Naturally, you then sue the pants off Nintendo.

More Terrifyingly Realistic Characters

There’s plenty about Super Mario Odyssey that looks a bit odd, but the standout element has to be Mario’s hair. Removing his cap, you’d expect to see the same, cartoon style hair we’re used to. Instead, Nintendo decided to deliver realistic hair in the promotional images, complete with individual hairs on Mario’s head.

It’s a disconcerting level of detail that no-one was really asking for, but the style is clearly established now. With Nintendo’s partnership with Sega, you can probably expect to see Sonic with every spine rendered in a level of detail that makes you feel faintly uncomfortable, while you can also expect a version of Yoshi covered in the feathers, now that we know some dinosaurs sported them.

Way More Finger Clicking

There was a lot to take in during Nintendo’s conference, from the hardware itself to the ways you can use the Joy-Cons and the selection of games that were on show. Throughout all of this there was one staple element; finger clicking. Nintendo decided this was the most natural way to transition between the various elements of their show, with hard cuts and a continued use of the phrase “Let’s Switch to…”.

Now other companies may tell you that the best way to move between elements of a show is to naturally segue or simply move on. Nintendo were, quite rightly, having none of this, instead playing up a in no way tedious and odd pun on the name of their console. I mean, imagine how much time they saved by not bothering to connect any elements of their show! It’s genius, and if they’ve got any sense it will become as much of a staple of Nintendo’s presentations as Reggie Fils-Amie looking vaguely threatening.

A New Range of Vital Accessories

Nintendo have announced a decent selection of accessories for the Switch already, mostly around things you can slot the Joy-Cons into. Of course, there’s one obvious gap in the market, and I fully expect Nintendo to fill it soon: portable chargers.

Anyone with a slightly rubbish phone battery can attest to the use of a portable charger, but the Switch is probably a bit beefier than your average smart phone in terms of power draw. Don’t worry though, our very own Tuffcub has got a solution for all your charging needs that I’m sure Nintendo will soon bring to market.

An Uptick In Interest From Bus Drivers

Look, you know someone’s going to be playing their fancy new console on a bus and forget to pick it back up. We’ve all lost something on public transport at some point, I’ve forgotten to pick up my food shopping before. Where do you think those Switches are going to go? Into the lost property? No, they’re going straight into the driver’s break room to keep them entertained, just like I’m sure they enjoyed the nice cheesecake I left them.

More People Becoming Farmers

1, 2, Switch features a minigame in which you competitively milk a cow while staring down your opponent. What if you’re freakishly good at this seemingly simple feat? What if this is the agriculture industry going all The Last Starfighter and trying to find the next generation of farmers?

Now imagine the disappointment of a six year old that’s freakishly good at Milk, who discovers that all the cow milking is actually done by machines now.