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Opinion

Fakes the Net Would Have You Believe

The internet talks nonsense.

In December, I compiled a list of fun facts which I could slip into the various Advent Calendar articles which we posted throughout the month. Obviously when posting something onto a site like TSA, you have to make sure that what you’re posting is accurate and true. So with every fact, I did my research and having found a nice handful of facts from one article in particular, I decided to look into them and see if they were site worthy or not. They were not.

Well, most of them anyway. Though looking around the internet I found that the text from the article had been copy/pasted into various forums and message boards. People believed them, but they were not true. So to put the record straight, here’s the truth.

Apparently the short film at the beginning of Wall-E is “copied” from Portal. So the story of a rabbit who really wants a carrot is the same as one about a cake obsessed robot and the strange sexual tension she has with her prisoner. No. One is the most inventive take on the FPS/puzzler genre since.. well.. ever, and the other is one of the greatest slapstick animation routines of all time. The fact that they both contain a portal and some food is about as far as the similarity gets.

The internet also wants you to believe that only 48% of the people in Stornaway believe that the iPhone exists. Erm, excuse me, but people from remote islands aren’t idiots. I come from Shetland. A group of islands which holds a community so isolated, one 85 year old woman has never even left the half mile radius which circles her house. We have a fully funded high school on one island which is there for the benefit of ONE student. I know what stupid is. But even the people of Shetland can comprehend the idea of an iPhone.

To test this I found my brother’s handset and presented it to my darling grandmother. Just weeks ago she was nearly floored by the printer after it produced a photo of her birthday in front of her very eyes, “Oh! Whit you dinna hiv!”* she responded. If anyone’s going to be surprised by the iPhone, it’s her. Having described it to her, I ask if she believes me. “Whit you dinna hiv!” she replies. I’ll take that as a yes then. Presenting it to her provokes little more reaction. Clearly after the discovery of the printer, there’s not much more the world can throw at her.

After convincing me that Presto was copied from Portal and that remote Scottish islands are full of numpties (well, they may be a bit) there was only one thing left for the internet to do. Make sure I never become an employee of Nintendo.

Apparently upon employment, you’re forced to have the Sonic Hedgehog gene removed from your body, this will turn your future children green with oversized tongues and this will give you inspiration for certain, rideable, dinosauric characters you could include in future games. The fun doesn’t stop there though, because if you can’t get all 120 stars in any Mario game, you have to eat lunch in a canteen labelled “FAIL”. To top things off, your bosses get their inspiration by spying on their landlord and watching him bowl for mushrooms, using turtles instead of the traditional balls.

But hey, when there’s such a thing as a printer in the world, anything’s possible right?

*TRANSLATION: “Oh! What you don’t have!” in Shetland dialect, referring to the fact that such things didn’t exist when she was younger and that she played with a stick. A STICK!

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