I can remember being twelve years old, waiting for most of the day in a game rental store for another customer to return Flashback on the Mega Drive so that I could take it. I sat there with my friend, eating chocolate and drinking cans of Coke and we dreamed about working with video games when we grew up.
Neither of us wanted to make them, there was no complex coding in our futures. My friend wanted to own a small independent shop, similar to the one we sat in, selling video games. I wanted to write reviews of them in a magazine like MegaTech. This was a few years before we would even hear about the Internet. So, print was the only option for someone who wanted to talk about games without going on GamesMaster with Dominik Diamond to do it.
Eighteen years later, with a varied and largely unsuccessful employment history behind me, here I am. Writing about video games to a huge audience. I’ve arrived at my dream, right? How do I deal with that? Well, sometimes I feel like giving up. It’s a stark admission, and one which might seem alarming to a number of people but it’s the truth.
You’ve probably all seen many of us say how difficult it is to run a website, on many different occasions. You might think that this is due to the workload, the constant struggle and internal debate about tone and content or the years it takes to grind your way towards any possibility of payment for your craft. In part, that’s true but I do those things happily because that’s what I dreamt about while perched on the windowsill of a game rental store eighteen years ago. For me, the difficulty lies somewhere else entirely.
I don’t like people. It’s nothing personal, I don’t have a particular reason or excuse for being awkward with other humans, I just can’t really interact in person. It’s not a simple case of not being a “people person” either. The prospect of meeting new people makes me feel physically ill in my stomach, it makes my head spin. I have anxiety attacks rather than phone someone I don’t know. Once, I pulled out of a decent new job the day before I was supposed to start and spent three days shaking and crying and not talking to anyone. I had myself a little breakdown and I’m still recovering from it years later.
So, for me, the hardest part of working on this website is the interaction I have with other people. It’s odd that the thing I love doing – the writing – is now vastly overshadowed, in terms of how much time I can give it, by the thing that I’m almost physically incapable of doing – managing people. I receive and respond to dozens of emails every day and my inbox backlog is still growing. I constantly talk to new contributors and potential news gatherers and I do my best to keep up with the Community Team and fulfil all of our competition commitments.
Much of my time working on the website is now spent doing things that the majority of readers won’t notice. I tidy up articles and features in between Lee, Dan and Kris’ valuable efforts. I make images and gather screenshots. I change formatting on features and organise review coverage. I talk to PR representatives and arrange for competitions, previews, assets and review code. I try to watch over as much of the community interaction as I can. I balance speed with quality and I try to insulate conflicting personalities so that things run smoothly.
I miss writing more than I can find words to explain. But if I didn’t do all of these things then who would? So I do it, sometimes having to force myself to face my own craziness and sometimes finding another route to the result.
I’m incredibly lucky to be surrounded by some of the most hardworking and talented people in this industry. Lee is driven and has a keen eye for detail. Dan is dependable, fast and talented. Kris is engaging and approachable. The News Team are unbelievably hard working and our list of contributors all have an individuality, a spirit that is hard to find. Of course, Alex is a personal inspiration, the only reason I still work at TSA. I’ve never known anyone as knowledgeable or hard working as him and even though he has dialled back his involvement to some PR duties and the site design and coding, he still puts in far too much time doing those things better than anyone else around.
You see, running a website is a team game. Without a strong team of core staff, support staff and contributors, it would be impossible to deliver the quantity of free content that we do. It just happens that at this time, I’m needed to do the support work rather than the stuff I love to do. That’s something I have to contend with, in spite of my own insecurities, because it’s what this team needs right now.
Recently, I was explaining to a distant relative what it was that I do. I said that I write news and opinion about video games for a website. They asked if that was like a magazine and after a moment’s thought I told them it was kind of like making a monthly magazine but putting it out three times a week and having a conversation with the readers while you did it.
When you stop to think about it, there really is an immense amount of content going up on TheSixthAxis. Every word of it is worked hard over but ultimately, I think, it’s worth the stress, the worry and the anxiety. It’s worth the difficulties because, as I often need to remind myself, this was my dream.
Note: I realise that this blog has been quite self indulgent so I’d like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who works with me, either presently or in the past. I am a very small part of this site and I respect all the other staff members more than I could successfully impart. I also recognise that it’s the active community that make it feel worthwhile so I’d like to thank you guys too.
minerwilly
I got dragged to a vip box in Manchester MEN on Friday to watch something called TNA wrestling . Free food and drink was awesome but wrestling was boring after seeing one fight youve seen enough .
The crowd where more interesting to watch from my prawn sandwich box they where mental for the wrestling and kept chanting “T” “N” “A” , “T” “N” “A” ! . I snuck in some “T” “S” “A” ‘s , got a few weird looks !
freezebug2
It’s a pity that funds can’t be earned from running the site that could pay wages to entice in extra staff and lighten the burden. I don’t suppose that it was imagined in the beginning that the site would grow to the size it is today.
XisTG
Maybe a donation button would be in order :)
XisTG
You should write more, loved the flow of this piece :)
aerobes
Extraordinary piece.
It’s wholly irregular a person will open themselves up in such a degree to friends and family, let alone a website community. It’s a testament to what you think of this place, the members and everyone involved and I, myself am extremely proud to be part of the site, even in such a small capacity as a member.
You’re the first site I check every day and it’s the honest feelings on subjects, news pieces, reviews, everything basically that keeps me coming back, not to mention the, quite frankly, epic way in which you all interact with the community.
And what about the community? Well, as far as I’m concerned, a nicer bunch of people you couldn’t hope to meet anywhere on the internet. Great banter, superb discussions on disagreements which very rarely descend into crass comments and good times.
Emotional stuff for a Sunday. Be proud of yourselves TSA and thankyou for going the extra mile every day, it absolutely does not go unnoticed.
Very touching stuff cb.
DrNate86
Amazingly honest piece. I used to have panic attacks after I saw my first dead person and didn’t talk about it for years, so I can understand how difficult writing it must have been. I would say stick to your dream though, and trust in yourself more around people. You have managed to build up an entire community of people that greatly respect you, as evidenced by the comments here, so you don’t have anything to be anxious of.
Redwink
Honestly, you guys are way ahead of the other gaming sites competing against you. They don’t stande a chance. Keep up the good work!
RadicalMave07
very nice article,truly inspirational and emotional.
i joined the site about 4-5 months ago and i find it to be fantastic,it is truly great at how much dedication goes into this site,it is the best.
Dexter17
That’s amazing.
I often contemplate my future, and do worry about it. At eleven I decided that videogaming jounalism was the route that I’d like to go down, but even though I’m driven and do everything I can to improve my chances of making a break, I torture myself at night thinking about everyone else who wants to make it, too.
I tell myself over and over that I’m in a good positiion. I personally think that my writing abilities are high, and have had a couple of articles published up on here and also had a review printed in PSM3. Despite all this, there is still the lingering doubt that something might just go wrong.
I’d be really interested to know more as to how you got into the website business; what age you were, and when you decided that it was the route to go down.
As for your personal stuggle with people, you’re not the only one judging by the previous comments. I’m not sure what I can say, apart from that I hope your confidence improves.
And he finishes still shell-shocked and in thought.
KeRaSh
This is one of the reasons why I love TSA so much. You guys are on one level with the community. You love what you do and care about your readership.
Thank you so much for working so very hard!
TheDeathAvenger
Now seems as good a time as any to say thank you. Thank you Michael and Alex for creating TSA, and thank you to everyone that has contributed to this community, to all whom have kept it alive.
I’ve been through some challenging times (that many of you can probably relate to) and I don’t believe that I’d be where I am today, with a smile on my face, every single day, if it wasn’t for the whole TSA community. When I felt isolated and alone, when I felt lost and meaningless, there was a load of brilliant people that made me feel that I belonged, that I had a reason to keep living.
So thank you, thank you to everyone that helped me, you didn’t know it, but it meant absolutely everything to me. I’m so happy now, with my whole life ahead of me. Of course it has been there all along, I was just so blinded by what was happening, what I was thinking, that I couldn’t see it.
:-)