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Opinion

The TSA Nativity Play (With Apologies To Jesus)

Oh little town of Bethleskyrim.

Scene: A dusty room somewhere in the middle east. Books and parchments are scattered across a desk and Elena is trying to decipher an ancient text.

Narrator: In a small town called Nazareth, a young girl is alone in her room. Her name was Elena and she was betrothed to be married to a adventurer called Nathan.

An Angel appears on stage.  Her name is Bayonetta.

Bayonetta: Hello, Elena.

Elena: Oh my!

Bayonetta: Do not be scared my child, I am an Angel!

Elena: Listen love, our franchise has featured zombies, abominable snowmen and genies stuck in lamps, angels are hardly shocking. What is scary is what you’re wearing – do angels normally have exposed butt cheeks?

Bayonetta: This is bang on trend I’ll have you know, every female video game character is sporting exposed arse this season.

Elena: I’m not.

Bayonetta: Not seen the script for ‘Uncharted 4: Girls Gone Wild’ then? The scene with you and Chloe mud wrestling?

Elena: Wait. What?

Bayonetta: Never mind. I have a message: I’ve been sent to tell you that God is pleased with you and he has chosen you to be the mother of a very special child. You must call him Jason.

Bayonetta vanishes. Nathan Drake enters.

Elena: A slutty angel has been giving me parenting advice.

Nathan: Oh crap.

Fade to black.

Narrator: Nathan and Elena were married not long afterwards. At that time the ruler of the land, Scolar Visari, decreed that every man in the country had to go to his home town to be counted, and take his wife and family with him.  So Elena and Nathan set off with their donkey. By this time Elena’s baby was due.

Scene: The road to Bethleskyrim, a dusty deserted track in the middle of the desert. It is the middle of the night.

Ratchet: For the millionth time I am not a donkey!

Nate: You’ve got big pointy ears.

Elena: And a very swishy donkey-ish tail.

Ratchet: But I’m not a donkey! I’m from Lombax!

Nate: Shush, have another carrot.  Now are we sure we are going in the right direction?

Elena: Yes, look unto the sky and behold the yonder Starhawk!

Ratchet: That is a terrible pun. Did Tuffcub write this entire script just to get that ‘joke’ in?

Everyone: Yes!

Fade to black.

Narrator: Elena, Nate and the donkey

Ratchet: I’M NOT A FRICKIN’ DONKEY!

Narrator: … ahem… Continued their journey and eventually arrive at Bethleskyrim. They are very tired, so seek an Inn to rest their weary heads.

Scene: The inside of the inn. A roaring fire is in the middle of  the room but curiously you can walk over it without being burnt. A man sits at a chair doing nothing and bard stands besides him, also doing nothing. Nathan and Elena enter and walk up to the innkeeper.

Nathan: Hi, I’d like a room please.

Innkeeper: Ooh Iham SOH-ree! WE are FULL-lee bouked!

Elena: Why are you talking like the Swedish chef from the Muppets?

Innkeeper: I ham not. Hurdy gurdy.

Nathan: We had better try another inn.

Scene: The inside of the Inn. A roaring fire is in the middle of  the room but curiously you can walk over it without being burnt. A man sits at a chair doing nothing and bard stands besides him, also doing nothing. Nathan and Elena enter.

Elena: This Inn looks remarkably similar to the previous Inn.

Nathan: No, it’s a completely different Inn. It has a different name for a start.

Nathan walks over and speaks to the Innkeeper.

Nathan: Greetings… er… cat person.

Innkeeper: Hurdy gurdy.

Nathan: I’d like a room please.

Innkeeper: Ooh Iham SOH-ree! We –

Elena: Forget it.

Scene: The inside of the Inn. A roaring fire is in the middle of  the room but curiously you can walk over it without being burnt. A man sits at a chair doing nothing and bard stands besides him, also doing nothing. Nathan and Elena enter.

Elena: You are kidding?  It’s flippin’ identical to the other inns.

Bard: That’s because this section of the play was programmed by Infinity Ward, reusing assets innit.

Nathan: Innkeeper, please tell me you have a room available.

Innkeeper: Naow. But I DOH have a stAybull.

Elena: We’ll take it.

Scene: The interior of a rustic stable. The floor is covered in straw and a number of animals are present.

Nathan: Well, it’s… homely, although I have slept in more comfortable surroundings.

Elena: Stop thinking about Chloe.

Nathan: Oh crap.

Ratchet: (Annoyed) Will you take this frickin’ harness off me!

Elena: Shush donkey, lay down your weary head. Look – you have some other animals to keep you company.

Sly Cooper: Hi.

Sonic: Yo.

Yoshi: Greetings.

Ecco: How do you do, good sirs.

Nathan: Oh crap.

Sonic: Sorry, that was me. People forget that as a hedgehog my main food source is slugs. They play hell with my digestive system.

Nathan begins to wipe the poo from the bottom of his shoe when Elena gasps.

Elena: Oh! The baby! It’s coming!

Nathan: Oh crap! How long before it arrives?

Ecco: Well apart from being a rather fantastic sea dwelling mammal, it is a little know fact that I am a midwife. I’d say she’s ready to pop in about twenty minutes.

Nathan: Great, just enough time to play through Need For Speed: The Run then.

Fade to black.

Scene: Still night time, a hill outside Bethleskyrim, the stable in which Elena is giving birth can be seen in the distance. 

Narrator:  And so a baby was born unto Nathan and Elena, and there was much joy!

Sound FX: Chime!

A small sign appears which reads “Congratulations, you have earned the Gold Trophy ‘Hole In One’!’

Narrator: On a hill above Bethleskyrim three Shepherds polished their weapons and discussed tactics.

Male Commander Shepherd: Personally I go for the ‘all guns blazing’ approach.

Female Commander Shepherd: I prefer stealth.

Transexual Commander Shepherd:  I just go shopping for shoes.

Male Commander Shepherd: Look! What is that in the sky? A twinkling Starhawk!

Female Commander Shepherd: It seems to keep falling out of the sky and crashing on that stable.

Transexual Commander Shepherd: That’s because its still in beta. But what does it mean?

A line of text appears in front the three Shepherds. It reads ‘Objective: Locate our lord and saviour Jason. (Optional: Kill sheep)

Male Commander Shepherd: Well that is handy. Off we go!

Scene: Back at rustic stable. Nathan and Elena are peering adoringly in to a crib. The three Commander Shepherds arrive. The Transexual Commander Shepherd is covered in blood and bits of sheep.

Male Commander Shepherd: We have been told that our lord and saviour Jason has been born this night.

Sly Cooper: Yeah.. er.. there’s been a slight change of plans.

Transexual Commander Shepherd: Why? What has happened?

Elena: Well, it’s not one child, it’s two. We have twins!

Female Commander Shepherd: How did that happen? Did you take part in an IVF program?

Nathan: No. Actually, come to think of it Elena we’ve never had sex.

Sonic: So you are saying that these two babies have arrived before you had sex?

Elena: Yes.

Male Commander Shepherd: So they are… the ‘Pre-sex two Jasons’?

Ecco: If I had hands, I would be face-palming.

The Three Kings enter the stable.

Yoshi: And you are?

The Lich King: I am The Lich King, I have traveled from afar, from a World Of Warcraft.

King Bowser: And I am Bowser, leader of the Koopas.

Don King: And I am Don King.

Yoshi: From boxing?

Don King: Yes, I appeared in the game Prizefighter on Xbox in 2008.

The Lich King: We bring gifts for the child. I bring Resident Evil 5, GOLD edition!

King Bowser: And I have a PlayStation 3!

Don King: And I have the Move starter pack!

King Bowser: (Apologetically) Argos were complete out of stock of any games featuring Frankincense or Myrrh.

Suddenly all the stage lights go out.

Nathan: Oh crap!

King Of The Cosmos: (A booming voice from offstage) I am King of the Cosmos off of those Katamari games! If there is to be one King, it will be me! I decree that all male twins born on this day shall be executed!

The lights return.

Nathan: Oh crap!

Bayonetta appears on stage.

Bayonetta: And so Nathan, Elena and the two baby Jasons fled to Egypt to escape the King Of The Cosmos. But this was not the end, this is just the beginning of a wonderful story. You can buy part two at the same time next year and, if Activision get hold of the license, a sequel every year until everyone is sick to death of the franchise. Merry Christmas everyone!

All: Merry Christmas!


Epilogue:

Scene: A secret chamber hidden deep with a pyramid. Nathan and Elena enter holding a baby Jason each.

Nathan: Okaaay! Now we’re talking. This is just my kind of thing, hidden temples, mysterious artifacts, puzzles! Look, over there, a stone altar. I bet if I press the correct hieroglyphics in the correct order a secret passage will open.

Elena: Hold it! There’s someone here. I heard a noise, be careful Nate!

Nathan slowly creeps towards the sand strewn alter then jumps back in surprise as a cloaked man drops from the ceiling.

Ezio Auditoire: It’s-a-me! Ezio!

Elena: Ezio? What the frick are you doing here?

Ezio: Assassin’s Creed 3!

A man in a suit enters.

Yves Guillemot: Sacre bleu Ezio! You are NOT in this game! How many times do we have to tell you!

Ezio: Then who is? Who can match my athletic abilities and swoonsome ways with the laydehs?

Nathan offers a nervous cough.

Ezio: (Incredulously) Him? Assassin’s Creed 3 will star Nathan Drake?

Yves Guillemot: Yes. Surely zat’s obvious? We ‘ave been gradually building up Desmond’s skills outside zee Animus, he can now, ‘ow you say, clamber up zee side of buildings and solve puzzles in zee real world!

Nathan: And I play Desmond in Assassins Creed.

Yves Guillemot: So zee grande reveal for Assassin’s Creed 3 eez zat Desmond Miles is hakshually Nathan Drake!

Nathan:(Jazz hands) Taa-daaah! Merry Christmas everyone!

The end.

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26 Comments
  1. samiro05
    Member
    Since: May 2010

    Aha great story :)

    Just wanted to point out that Ratchet is a Lombax, not from Lombax :p

    Comment posted on 24/12/2011 at 15:07.
    • samiro05
      Member
      Since: May 2010

      I also didn’t expect to be the first to comment so as it looks half like a critique I’ll say here that it was a really good read n well thought of. I imagine you had fun writing it too :)

      Comment posted on 24/12/2011 at 15:15.
  2. HisNameWasBen
    Member
    Since: Mar 2010

    Great. XD I loved the bit with the three Shepards.

    Comment posted on 24/12/2011 at 15:07.
  3. PoorPaddy89
    Member
    Since: Aug 2009

    Love it!

    Comment posted on 24/12/2011 at 15:12.
  4. mynameisblair
    hisnameisblair
    Since: May 2009

    ‘Pre-sex two Jasons’
    Hilarious, very well done :D

    Comment posted on 24/12/2011 at 15:16.
    • Jakster123x
      Member
      Since: Aug 2011

      Ahhhh, lol I get it now. Thanks for posting that again :)

      Great article btw xD

      Comment posted on 24/12/2011 at 18:53.
  5. job
    Member
    Since: Jun 2010

    lol. merry christmas to all at tsa and its readers.

    Comment posted on 24/12/2011 at 15:22.
  6. gazzagb
    Master of speling mitakse
    Since: Feb 2009

    Brilliant!

    Comment posted on 24/12/2011 at 15:44.
  7. MICKY17
    Member
    Since: Dec 2008

    Flippin brilliant. Couldn’t stop laughing. Great stuff.

    Comment posted on 24/12/2011 at 15:47.
  8. Carl
    Member
    Since: Jan 2009

    Absolutely amazing, well done.

    Merry christmas and much love to you all! Hope all your wishes come true :)

    Comment posted on 24/12/2011 at 16:05.
    • Carl
      Member
      Since: Jan 2009

      One thing though. Ratchet IS a Lombax. He’s not FROM Lombax :P

      Comment posted on 24/12/2011 at 16:06.
  9. Death_In_Flamez
    Member
    Since: Feb 2011

    What is this that I have just read! 0_0

    Comment posted on 24/12/2011 at 16:17.
  10. ProjectJAY
    Member
    Since: Aug 2009

    I lost it at the three Shepherds.
    Can we start a religion based on this story? :D

    Comment posted on 24/12/2011 at 16:27.

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