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Review

Girl Fight Review

Girl power.

Girl Fight is, as you might expect, a fighting game with girls. It appears to be set in some sort of virtual reality arena as the combatants de-materialise when beaten, but why they are fighting is never explained. Equally mysterious is the straight-to-DVD version of GLaDOS from Portal who warbles her way through the one line of text that accompanies the start of each match. This, apparently, constitutes a story.

First stop is the training mode which offers precisely no training. You can move around and press buttons but all it does is list what you have done on the side of the screen, it does not tell you what buttons to press to perform a move. To find that information you have to delve into the game’s menus. Annoyingly when you do find the move list it still does not tell you what to do, listing commands as D, G, P and K instead of using face button icons. Predictably, figuring out which buttons correspond to which attacks requires players to bring up yet another menu.

You start Girl Fight with just one character, War Child, a woman whose boobs are so big they are bursting out of her jacket. Fortunately there is an option to change the skin which I do.. to a different coloured jacket from which her breasts are also trying to escape.

Before the fight begins you can assign you character two Psionic abilities. By landing punches and kicks, a bar will fill up on screen and when you have enough “Psi” you can activate your chosen power. These include health regeneration, shields and the ability to go invisible and can easily turn the tide of a battle.

Regular readers will know I am not particularly good at fighting games so it will probably come as no small surprise to hear that I beat all eight opponents in twenty minutes flat. I was surprised myself, I kept on wondering when the game was going to get hard but it never did: pummelling the buttons and performing the odd grab seemed to work just fine.  There are many combos that could be learnt, assuming you want to spend all day memorising them from a menu screen, but I didn’t need them in the end. I won, War Child was released from her cyber fight club and… well, we’ll get to that bit in a minute.

girlfight1

The graphics in Girl Fight are rather simple but do the job. Plenty of attention has been applied to the boob physics and although they do wobble like trifles it’s not quite as ridiculous as the boobs in Dead or Alive.  Whilst fighting, a number of dance tunes play, all of which are quite acceptable. Budget GLaDOS comments on your fighting with choice phrases such as “worrisome”, “nifty”, “crisis” and “psycho killer” whilst the characters are completely mute save from grunting, oohing and hi-yahing during the fight.

So back to War Child, whose father has been lying to her apparently. She is out of her cyber-hell and she celebrates by… posing stark naked on a box with a gun. It’s “tastefully” done of course with no nipples or lady parts on display but, yes, my reward for winning is for her to strip.

I had to check my calender at this point, just to make sure I had not fallen through a wormhole back to 1980.

It gets worse. Whilst fighting you earn credits which can be spent in the store, here you can buy new Psi abilities, bios for each character (ah, here is some story, I wondered where that had got to) and concept art. But not just any concept art, oh no, it’s a selection of characters wearing even less clothing than they are in the game. You can purchase these for a small amount of credits and then use the gallery to zoom in on every crevice, cleavage and cheek. Ogle till your heart – or other body part – is fully satisfied.

I did try the online mode a number of times but no one was playing and the leaderboards reveal the top ranked player has just 46 matches under their name at the time of writing this review.

What’s Good:

  • Decent frame rate.
  • Plenty of moves and combos to learn, if you can find them.
  • Psi powers are a neat idea and work well.

What’s Bad:

  • Takes ages before becoming challenging.
  • No one playing online.
  • Objectifies women.
  • I missed Great British Bake Off whilst playing.

I would have had more respect for Girl Fight if they had the balls to have done the job properly and had some proper porn as a reward. Instead we get a mediocre fighter wrapped in a non existent story with ridiculous sexist stereotypes that they should have been canned decades ago. Do yourself a favour and spend ten quid on a copy of Penthouse and a box of Kleenex and beat something else.

Score: 3/10

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19 Comments
  1. 3shirts
    Member
    Since: Aug 2008

    Haha, I love the reviews of crappy games.
    This seems like a Dead Or Alive rip off that does nothing as well as that game and thus might as well not exist.

    Comment posted on 17/10/2013 at 16:19.
  2. jimmy-google
    Member
    Since: Feb 2009

    I really hope metacritic use the final paragraph or just the final line.

    Hope no one ruined Bake off for you Tuffcub

    Comment posted on 17/10/2013 at 16:43.
  3. Tarbun84
    Member
    Since: Feb 2012

    Sounds just plain awful.

    Comment posted on 17/10/2013 at 16:59.
    • lambchop
      Member
      Since: Aug 2013

      I happened upon the demo earlier in the week, so went into this with no warning whatsoever! It is plain AWFUL!

      Comment posted on 17/10/2013 at 21:06.
  4. XisTG
    Member
    Since: May 2010

    “Do yourself a favour and spend ten quid on a copy of Penthouse and a box of Kleenex and beat something else.”

    The Pulitzer. NOW! :D

    Comment posted on 17/10/2013 at 17:09.
    • SkyLion
      Member
      Since: Nov 2010

      One of the best summaries ever written.

      Comment posted on 17/10/2013 at 18:33.
  5. Greg Turner
    Member
    Since: Feb 2009

    Great review, shame about the game!

    Comment posted on 17/10/2013 at 17:29.
  6. Steelhead
    Member
    Since: Oct 2013

    Officially the funniest end line to a review. Ever.

    Comment posted on 17/10/2013 at 19:25.
  7. Lyts1985
    Member
    Since: Jan 2009

    But, you gave a game called ‘Girl Fight’ to someone who likes neither girls or fighting games to review… I wonder if someone who does like either would’ve enjoyed this any more? Lol

    Comment posted on 17/10/2013 at 19:34.
    • Starman
      Member
      Since: Jul 2011

      Ha ha, I thought that too. I’ve never seen the point in getting someone to review a genre they don’t like.

      Comment posted on 17/10/2013 at 19:56.
      • Tuffcub
        On the naughty step.
        Since: Dec 2008

        ACtually I think it’s great idea, it makes the reviewer work a hell of a lot harder because you can’t just go “I dont like football games so this is crap”.

        Comment posted on 18/10/2013 at 15:24.
    • Tuffcub
      On the naughty step.
      Since: Dec 2008

      Untrue on both counts

      Comment posted on 18/10/2013 at 08:36.
    • 3shirts
      Member
      Since: Aug 2008

      I don’t really like RTS and I’m heterosexual. I really like X-COM (which has no women in it).
      Not sure the logic works like that.

      Comment posted on 18/10/2013 at 09:20.
  8. CR8ZYH0RSE
    Member
    Since: Sep 2012

    I don’t know why i need kleenex,i didn’t cry even though i should of after that review.:)

    Comment posted on 18/10/2013 at 03:44.
    • 3shirts
      Member
      Since: Aug 2008

      I cried when you wrote “should of” :)

      Comment posted on 18/10/2013 at 09:24.
  9. Germanos
    Member
    Since: May 2011

    I hope they use the last sentence in the commercial for this game ^^

    Comment posted on 18/10/2013 at 08:11.
  10. The Lone Steven
    Never heard of him.
    Since: May 2010

    Hmm, a fighting game that uses women as sex objects and gives them large tits. Why that doesn’t sound like a DOA ripoff or clone at all. That was sarcasm. And DOA does that far better due to it’s breast physics and well, the women are better looking. So i’ve heard. :p Anyway, health regeneration in a fighting game is one of the worst ideas i’ve ever heard due to the nature of fighting games and the ability to go invisible breaks the goddam game unless it’s for a few seconds.

    But to make Tuffcub miss the Bakeoff is damnright disgraceful. I shall gather a very large mob and we shall tut very loudly whilst drinking tea.(PG tips only) In fact, Peter should be ashamed of himself for making you review this Tuffcub. Shame on him. Shame. *boycotts TSA out of protest*

    Comment posted on 18/10/2013 at 13:40.

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