Girl Fight is, as you might expect, a fighting game with girls. It appears to be set in some sort of virtual reality arena as the combatants de-materialise when beaten, but why they are fighting is never explained. Equally mysterious is the straight-to-DVD version of GLaDOS from Portal who warbles her way through the one line of text that accompanies the start of each match. This, apparently, constitutes a story.
First stop is the training mode which offers precisely no training. You can move around and press buttons but all it does is list what you have done on the side of the screen, it does not tell you what buttons to press to perform a move. To find that information you have to delve into the game’s menus. Annoyingly when you do find the move list it still does not tell you what to do, listing commands as D, G, P and K instead of using face button icons. Predictably, figuring out which buttons correspond to which attacks requires players to bring up yet another menu.
You start Girl Fight with just one character, War Child, a woman whose boobs are so big they are bursting out of her jacket. Fortunately there is an option to change the skin which I do.. to a different coloured jacket from which her breasts are also trying to escape.
Before the fight begins you can assign you character two Psionic abilities. By landing punches and kicks, a bar will fill up on screen and when you have enough “Psi” you can activate your chosen power. These include health regeneration, shields and the ability to go invisible and can easily turn the tide of a battle.
Regular readers will know I am not particularly good at fighting games so it will probably come as no small surprise to hear that I beat all eight opponents in twenty minutes flat. I was surprised myself, I kept on wondering when the game was going to get hard but it never did: pummelling the buttons and performing the odd grab seemed to work just fine. There are many combos that could be learnt, assuming you want to spend all day memorising them from a menu screen, but I didn’t need them in the end. I won, War Child was released from her cyber fight club and… well, we’ll get to that bit in a minute.
The graphics in Girl Fight are rather simple but do the job. Plenty of attention has been applied to the boob physics and although they do wobble like trifles it’s not quite as ridiculous as the boobs in Dead or Alive. Whilst fighting, a number of dance tunes play, all of which are quite acceptable. Budget GLaDOS comments on your fighting with choice phrases such as “worrisome”, “nifty”, “crisis” and “psycho killer” whilst the characters are completely mute save from grunting, oohing and hi-yahing during the fight.
So back to War Child, whose father has been lying to her apparently. She is out of her cyber-hell and she celebrates by… posing stark naked on a box with a gun. It’s “tastefully” done of course with no nipples or lady parts on display but, yes, my reward for winning is for her to strip.
I had to check my calender at this point, just to make sure I had not fallen through a wormhole back to 1980.
It gets worse. Whilst fighting you earn credits which can be spent in the store, here you can buy new Psi abilities, bios for each character (ah, here is some story, I wondered where that had got to) and concept art. But not just any concept art, oh no, it’s a selection of characters wearing even less clothing than they are in the game. You can purchase these for a small amount of credits and then use the gallery to zoom in on every crevice, cleavage and cheek. Ogle till your heart – or other body part – is fully satisfied.
I did try the online mode a number of times but no one was playing and the leaderboards reveal the top ranked player has just 46 matches under their name at the time of writing this review.
I would have had more respect for Girl Fight if they had the balls to have done the job properly and had some proper porn as a reward. Instead we get a mediocre fighter wrapped in a non existent story with ridiculous sexist stereotypes that they should have been canned decades ago. Do yourself a favour and spend ten quid on a copy of Penthouse and a box of Kleenex and beat something else.
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