Billionaire Buys TSA?

The current trend in the world of football is for bored billionaires to open their wallets and with some loose change purchase a Premiership football club. They then offer peanuts for World Class Superstars like Kaka, or relatively vast sums of wealth for homicidal golfers like Craig Bellamy.

Now, if TSA had a football team and an oil-rich Arab decided we were to be the beneficiary of untold wealth, I wonder what our dream eleven would be.

Well, wonder no more, because I have assembled the team. A classic 4-4-2, with cultured centre backs, rampaging full backs, aggressive midfielders and skillful wingers, and strikers that can put the ball in the back of the net. Oh, and a keeper that’s harder to get past than Nofi in a queue at the bar. Full of PS3-exclusive characters, with guest appearances from a couple of legends, it’s the team to beat all teams.

1 Fat Princess – Goalkeeper

She can’t really move, but when her gargantuan frame covers every inch of the goal she really doesn’t need to. Fifteen minutes at half-time is long enough for her to get from one end of the pitch to the other. The only danger is after a goal kick, when it can take her a minute to get back into position.

2 Clank

Clank is clockwork; precise, always in the right position, never late into the tackle. He’s small and nippy, and due to his robotics is impossible to rile or fluster.  Right back.

5 Kratos

Rock hard, agile, brave: the guy is granite with the movement of a cat. If you’ve got the ball he’ll take it from you. If you’re about to get the ball he’ll get it first. If you so much as look at his teammates in the wrong way he’ll kill you in such a way that you’re sent off fordiving.

6 Solid Snake

A wily old head, the most experienced player in the team, he’s like a shadow you can’t shake. He knows what’s going to happen before anyone else, and although his legs can’t always get him there in time, he knows enough moves to send you crashing into the hoardings so you won’t try anything again.

3 Nofi

Nofi claimed he didn’t want to be left back in the bar if TSA’s honour was at stake, so he’s left back in the team instead.

7 Buzz!

A good looking pretty boy with the fancy moves to back up the posturing. You can never be sure if his flashy genius or his over-enthusiastic motor-mouth will wind up the opposition more, but either way he’s a marked man. The only problem is catching him.

4 Nathan Hale

Hale has defended millions in England and the US from the Chimera, so defending the back four should be easier than breaking a 360.

8 Ratchet

The colourful, flamboyant superstar of the team, with a smile even bigger than Ronaldinho’s. He’s got more moves than a Gigolo and he can make a better pass. His speed and stamina means he can go box-to-box all day long.

11 SackBoy

Floppily enigmatic with a tendency to seem never fully in control of the ball, but when he is he’s the most creative thing you’ll see. He’ll try just about anything to win, and has been known to respond to suggestions from the crowd by doing exactly what they ask of him.

9 Michael

Lazy, demotivated, mood-swinging spod. Lets everyone else do the work, and then pops up to take credit whenever possible. Not always available for the ball, but always available to tell you what you’ve done wrong. Clinical in front of goal though, because When he takes aim, he doesn’t miss. Also: Modest.

10 Nathan Drake

The ultimate target man. Capable of taking a pounding and getting back up to give it back with interest, he holds the keys to unlocking the puzzle of any defence. He is, without doubt, a treasure.

What do you think – can you pick a better eleven?