Abridged Too Far – Two and a Half

So here it is, the second half of this week’s Abridged Too Far feature on God of War II. For those of you that missed the epic first half it’s waiting to be read here.


God of War II (and a half…)

So. K&P (as they now like to be affectionately known but not to be confused with the pub snacks KP) land on the Island of Creation. Seeing as this is the sequel, Kratos now fights roughly 123,458,912 Underworld demons. On the Island, he encounters a who’s who of Greece.

  1. Thesus. Kratos kills him.
  2. Cronos. Kratos gains magical powers. At last, someone is actually helping.
  3. Euryale. Kratos kills her. (She was Medusa’s sister. Only fatter. And uglier.)
  4. Perseus. Kratos kills him.
  5. Icarus. Kratos kills him, steals his wings and can now fly. Darwin would love this shit!
  6. Atlas. Kratos gains more magical powers.

Phew! Needless to say the Christmas Party this year will be somewhat thin on the ground.

Kratos now only has one more hurdle. He needs to find the Phoenix who will take him to The Sisters of Fate. Surely this was going to be impossible to find. He walks through the lobby of a giant building, opens a door and…Oh! There’s the Phoenix. All he needs to do now is get on its back. Then a giant monster called The Kraken appears from the sea below. Of course it couldn’t have been that easy.

KRATOS: For crying out loud. Are you having a laugh? I’m not fighting anymore. I have been on my feet for more than 17 months, 3 weeks, 4 days and 12 hours now. I give up.

GAIA: Don’t give up Kratos.

KRATOS: Oh sure. NOW you turn up. Now that most of the hard work is done. Well you know what? I’m not doing it anymore. Zeus can come and kill me.

GAIA: Oh please Kratos? Pretty please? Pretty please with cherries on top?

KRATOS: You know I’m a sucker for cherries. Okay.

The Kraken roared (not too sure if Krakens are capable of roaring but it sounds scarier than…The Kraken made a squid related noise). Kratos was not being intimidated this time. He was pissed off. He was cold and he was hungry. He took some salt out of his…loin cloth and sprinkled it onto the Kraken. The squid was defeated. Kratos crossed the bridge, climbed onto the Phoenix, plucked one of its nose hairs and they were off!

They landed at The Palace of The Fates. Kratos didn’t see the need for all these fancy names. When he defeats Zeus, they will be the first thing to go. He encounters the first ‘Sister’: Lakhesis. She starts doing some fancy moves but Kratos stands on the end of her skirt and as she trips he kills her. Lakhesis summons the next ‘Sister’: Atropos. She pulls out some even fancier moves including taking Kratos back in time to when he fought Ares. She was trying to destroy Joe The Sculptor’s masterpiece so that ‘Past’ Kratos wouldn’t kill Ares. This didn’t work and Kratos killed Atropos.

Two down, one to go: Clotho. Kratos was sure that The Sisters of Fate’s mother should have been locked up for child abuse with names like that. Clotho was…how do you say…bigger boned that her sisters. This made her slower (and slightly sweatier) so Kratos found it easy to bury a giant axe into her face. Kratos couldn’t work out why but he was feeling a lot less stressed. He now had access to time travel. He kept his fingers crossed in hope for a Delorean but was met with magical mirrors. Disappointing.

He first goes back in time to get last week’s lottery results. Then he goes back to Rhodes where he was tricked by Zeus and subsequently killed. He managed to reclaim The Blade of Olympus this time though. Steve The Bookmaker was not happy! This was then followed by a lengthy battle with Zeus.

Zeus threw everything he had at Kratos, which was limited to the only thing that Zeus knew how to throw – Lightning. Had he thrown tennis balls, Kratos would have had no trouble. But, as it was, it was impossible.

KRATOS: Oh f**k this. I give up. Just kill me and end my pain and torment.

ZEUS: Oh I’m going to kill you. But your pain is only just beginning.

KRATOS: Do you realise how cliché you sound? Just shut up and do it.

Zeus was happy to oblige. He grabbed The Blade of Olympus and lunged at Kratos. BUT KRATOS MOVED!

KRATOS: Beadles about!

ZEUS: Touche!

Now Kratos took The Blade of Olympus. This sword has had more owners than Madonna has adopted children. Kratos was going to do it properly this time. So he did what everyone knew was needed. He took a run-up! He charged, sword first, towards Zeus only to have the interfering Athena step in his way. Kratos saw this coming but decided to keep running. She deserved it. The sword went through Athena like a sword through flesh……oh. Zeus saw his opportunity and like any caring father would, he legged it!

ATHENA: Now look what you’ve done. You’ve only gone and killed me.

KRATOS: Yeah…sorry about that. Why were you interfering anyway?

ATHENA: I was protecting my father from the same fate that his father met and his father’s father, and his father’s father’s father.

KRATOS: Okay, okay I get the gist, no need to give yourself a Hernia. What fate do you speak of?

ATHENA: The fate of Son killing Father.

KRATOS: Yeah but I killed Ares ages ago.

ATHENA: Yes, but he was still going to be killed by his son

KRATOS: I don’t understand. I killed…………oh I see.

ATHENA: That’s right. You are his son. He is your father. You are father and son.

KRATOS: That’s not possible.

JEREMY KYLE: I’m afraid it’s true. We just got the DNA tests back and we can confirm that you fit the title of our show perfectly: ‘You’re not my Daddy. My real Daddy is a God’.

KRATOS: I don’t have a daddy. My daddy is dead to me. Or at least he will be dead to me when I kill him, and I know how to do just that.

Kratos went back in time one more…time. He went back to The Great War. It was at the point when Zeus was only minutes away from winning. He spoke to the Titans.

KRATOS: TITANS! HEAR ME NOW. I have come back in time to save you. I have The Blade of Olympus. We can win. Let’s do this!

TITANS: Erm…Oh alright then.