After a week off due to my general inability to do anything effectively Abridged too Far returns to brighten up your Friday. This time the AtF magic dust is sprinkled over Killzone 2 with the usual spoiler warnings. Gastos84 just can’t keep those spoilers under control…
“My homies: Sons, daughters, mothers, fathers, cousins and second cousins of Helghan, this much I vow; the history of these days will be documented on YouTube. By shooting the shit out of the armies of our enemies, by seizing the weapons they foolishly tried to turn against us, we were squabbling for our very existence. But if there are those who would deny us peace, tranquillity and free-love, and refuse us our rightful place in the universe then…we will write them a couple of very stern letters to notify them of our anger. If these letters go unheeded then we will unleash such TERRIBLE VENGENCE THAT GENERATIONS, YET UNBORN, WILL CRY OUT IN ANGUISH. I realise unborn generations are unable to cry out but it did sound good didn’t it? Admit it. You were scared…Sorry, um where was I? Oh Yes…We will not bow before them. We will rip their limbs from their sockets using only a Swiss army knife, we will singe their body hair using industrial sized flamethrowers, we will utilise cheese graters to rid them of their nipples and we will tickle them with feathers. They will know, THIS IS HELGHAN”
There was once a man named Tomas Sevchenko; most commonly known by his gang name – ‘Sev’. Sev was a member of the ISA [Irritating Support Agency]. In fact he was not just another annoying, stereotypical American Grunt, he was part of ‘The Legion’ Alpha Team; an elite squad of hardened fighters. He, and the rest of his military family were preparing to finally take down the Helghast; a mean bunch of cockney monsters with more red eyes than an Albino convention. Sev’s ‘Legion’ consisted of: Garza – A nice chap with a good sense of humour, Rico – An absolute arse that would shoot his own mother if she so much as looked at him funny and Natko – He likes to blow stuff up.
One day, they received their orders from head honcho Colonel Jan Templar. Apparently Jan can be a boy’s name too!!
TEMPLAR: What’s up peeps! Here are your orders. We are mounting a full-scale, humongous attack on Helghan. It won’t be pretty. We, well I say ‘We’, I’m not actually fighting, but we are going to hover above the planet and launch you guys in deep shit. Your objective: Capture the Helghast’s leader, Scolar Visari, and bring him back here where we can interrogate him using peaceful methods that we borrowed from the CIA. Any questions?
SEV: Where is Visari?
TEMPLAR: I’m guessing he’s in his palace.
SEV: Where are we being dropped?
TEMPLAR: Pyrrhus Rise.
SEV: So we are being dropped 50 miles away from where we need to be? Why don’t you just drop us off at his Palace? It would be a lot easier.
TEMPLAR: Any questions?…No. Good. Now off you go, and remember, don’t talk to strangers and call me when you get there.
So Alpha Team departed for Helghan aboard the spaceship ‘New Sun’. The ship raced across space towards their foes. Upon reaching their destination and performing a 15-point turn to park, Sev and his team were unceremoniously spat out from the ship aboard an open top tour bus which had been modified for war. They descended through the clouds towards Terra Firma.
RICO: I have Déjà Vu. I remember doing this a few years ago.
SEV: No, that was some clever CGI to show us what it might be like when we actually do it. It was quite close to the actual thing though.
They flew above shack-like buildings, but the engine began to fail (it was from a Fiat Panda so how they managed to get this far I have no idea) and they crash landed. Alpha Squad were immediately plunged into battle without even having a chance to test their weapons and change the inverted axis. But they soldiered forward. There were explosions going off everywhere, blood spatter went flying through the air and bullets ricocheted off of nearby ‘Welcome to Pyrrhus Rise – Twinned with Liverpool – Winner of the Best in Bloom 2009’ signs. Sev couldn’t help but think this was worse than the time he watched Saving Private Ryan whilst on ecstasy.
The Helghast were everywhere, but Sev and his men were hard. Proper hard. They ploughed through the crowds of enemies. Rico in particular was having a great time stamping on the heads of dead Helghan soldiers. They even came across someone known only as ‘The Heavy’, although his mum called him ‘Chris’. The Heavy was a massive Helghast soldier carrying a great big machine gun and bearing a bright red propane tank on his back. Team Alpha unloaded 90% of their ammo on The Heavy but with no joy. He stood tall and didn’t even flinch. Then Garza had a great idea.
GARZA: Throw him a sweet.
SEV: What? Are we feeding them now?
GARZA: Just do it.
So Sev threw The Heavy a Fruitella. The sugary treat bounced between his legs and came to rest behind him. The Heavy turned to consume the chewy goodness. The minute he turned around Sev realised the plan and began to open fire at the propane tank. The Heavy exploded, sending guts and flesh flying.
SEV: That was a waste of a Fruitella.
Before they knew it, they had captured Pyrrhus Rise, which gave them a spare 5 minutes to stare in awe at the beauty of Helghan. Don’t get me wrong, the place was a dump and greyer than Phillip Schofield, but somehow it was amazingly beautiful.
SEV: Well, that was easy. What’s next?
Just then, a burst of lightning shot out from the ground and tore through dozens of assault vehicles, killing hundreds. Then another lightning bolt shot upwards, then another, then another. The ISA were dropping like flies.
NATKO: Cool. Upwards lightning.
SEV: It’s a weapon you muppet. They have harnessed the power of the weather.
NATKO: Cool. Like Storm from X-Men, or like Zeus from…
SEV: Shut up. If I hear one more reference to Zeus, I’m going to kill you.
NATKO: Or Michael Fish?
Just then their radios crackled into life. It was Colonel Templar calling from his comfy arm chair up in the New Sun.
TEMPLAR: Sev, they have Arc towers.
SEV: How do we know they are called Arc Towers if we had no idea they existed?
TEMPLAR: Because I said so. Anyhoo, you will need to destroy them in order for our attack to advance. Oh and whilst you are at it, see if you can get a sample of the tower so that we can analyse it.
So Alpha Team proceeded to kill even more Helghast on their mission to destroy the Arc Towers. They weren’t hard to destroy due to the fact that their protective armour opened up on a regular basis, and each time it did, an alarm would go off saying ‘Shoot now. Here is my Weakspot’. A couple of well placed machine gun bursts and the towers came crashing to the ground. They grabbed the required sample and casually left the area.
Having been sent away for analysis, Rico’s urine sample came back clean and the results of the Arc Tower’s construction were in. The ISA’s leading nerd, Evelyn Batten, gave them the lowdown.
EVELYN: The Arc Towers harness the surgical lightning storms, acidic air and high concentrates of nitro-glyclusomol, to create a dual phase beam of lightning. It is shot from the tower via a gyroscopic element inside of it, which charges the negative elements to create protons and then as the conduit warms, the lighting expands and expels itself through narrow berisium photon infusers, giving it a final push outwards where it will incinerate anything it touches. The towers themselves are created from a material I like to call Petrosite. Most commonly found at Tharsis Refinery.
SEV: I knew that.
TEMPLAR: That’s it lads. You need to go to Tharsis Refinery. Take Evelyn with you and find a way to disable the towers.
Rico put his fist through a wall. Last thing he wanted was a scientist on the mission, let alone a girl scientist. The team and their new member headed to Tharsis Refinery.
Upon touchdown at Tharsis Refinery Airport, Alpha Team set to work immediately. Sev and Rico were charged with finding and repairing a communications tower whilst Garza Natko and Evelyn work out how to disable the towers.
So Sev and Rico set off to repair the damaged O2 mast, stationed not too far away. Along the route Sev found a high powered Black & Decker Nail Gun and began nailing some Helghast up against the walls. No, not like that you dirty minded perverts!! They reached the communication tower, repaired it and headed back to meet the rest of their squad. But, unfortunately for everyone, they had been captured by Radec; an ultra mean Helghast soldier, who was Visari’s number 2 in command. Sev and Rico hid for a while trying to work out the best way to save them, but because Rico was about as controllable as diarrhoea, any plan Sev had was thrown out the window when he burst out and began firing at Radec and his supporting minions. A fire fight broke out and in the ensuing chaos, Garza ends up getting shot, Radec escapes and no one noticed the 20 quid on the floor.
SEV: Rico you absolute nob. Why don’t you just listen to people? Now look what you did!
A support ship arrives to pick up the ISA squad but Garza dies before any aid can be administered. Why someone didn’t beat the crap out of Rico there and then is a mystery. Alpha Squad -1 return to the New Sun. But they weren’t alone. Shortly after arriving on the ship they were invaded by hundreds of Helghast soldiers, among which was Radec. He strolled through the ship to the bridge where he killed Evelyn and Colonel Templar, acquired the nuclear launch codes to some missiles they had stolen and reprogrammed the VCR. The Helghast knew how to do a job properly!
But before his final breath, Colonel Jan Templar crawled across the bridge of the New Sun and sent the ship on a collision course with the planet. Awesome! Sev and the remanding members of the ISA evacuate the ship and fly back down to the surface. The New Sun crashed into Tharsis Refinery destroying the Petrosite defences, not to mention causing severe structural damage to some nearby Hotels and luxury accommodation.
But with the defences down, the last of the ISA attack can, very conveniently, begin. They all met up for a quick bite to eat before storming Visari Palace. I say storming, it was more like they attempted to storm the palace, realised the number of enemies, retreated and then attempted to slowly move forwards. They attempted this countless times and appeared to have given up at one point. But determination got the better of them and the ISA finally managed to breach the palace on their 773rd attempt. Once inside, things didn’t get any easier. Sev and Rico were trapped inside the main hall and had to overcome wave after wave of enemies. Some had flamethrowers; others had rocket launchers, but all in all, it was just as hard as it was outside the palace walls. This section of their mission appeared disproportionately difficult and ridiculous and to top it all off, Radec appeared.
Radec had some sort of voodoo-powered cloaking suit and kept disappearing and reappearing like Harold Bishop. But for all of the previous difficulties they had, Sev and Rico made light work of Radec. They had him down and incapacitated. But Radec always liked to have the last laugh. He pulled a pistol from his trousers and shot himself in the head. He didn’t mean to, he was aiming for Rico but had a really crap shot!
SEV: Woah, we defeated him in under 20 minutes. We should get a trophy for being that good.
Sev and Rico advanced deeper into the palace, pushed open an unnecessarily tall door and found Visari sat in an arm chair smoking a cigar.
SEV: Scolar Visari, you are under arrest.
VISARI: What for? Technically I haven’t killed anyone.
RICO: War crimes.
VISARI: Only crimes from your point of view.
RICO: Alright then, how about I kill you instead.
SEV: Rico, why don’t you go sit outside for 10 minutes and cool down.
VISARI: You fools. You can’t kill me. If you do, my armies will class me as a Martyr and they will unleash such terrible vengeance and furious anger, and you will know my name is The Lord…sorry, I just watched Pulp Fiction and I’ve always wanted to say that in a real-life situation! But you get the gist.
At that moment, the vein on Rico’s neck burst and Rico lifted his weapon and shot Visari several times.
SEV: You are an absolute tonge Rico!
Sev couldn’t even express his anger at Rico’s action without using many expletives so he we walked out of the palace and onto the front steps. He looked up and the sky had filled with thousands of Helghast ships.
VISARI: The madness begins…