Where Are They Now: Simon the Squirrel

Simon

Back in the early 1990’s, a certain blue hedgehog took the world by storm. He became an overnight superstar. Everyone knew his name, everyone knew the theme tune. Hell, people even came to know the name of his annoying flying-fox friend. But what about the little people? Well, I have managed to track down one such member of the Sonic team that people took for granted. Simon the Squirrel. You may recognise Simon from the end of every level. He was one of those fury little critters that joyfully burst from the metal container upon being freed by Sonic, or Tails depending on the number of players. Sometimes Sonic and Tails would fight over who would get to release them. The pair would bound back and fourth vying for the big yellow button on the top.

Unfortunately for Simon, one day, this battle for the prize took longer than usual and 80% of the critters suffocated to death. Simon vowed never to return to the franchise again. This tragic accident also marked the downfall of the Sonic franchise. From then on they tried to fill the void with fancy trickery such as ‘3D’. But nothing worked. Sonic The Hedgehog was doomed to forever suck. But what happened to Simon? Well initially things were hard. He started drinking and doing drugs. But, after a particullarly bad session, Simon was arrested and put in squirrel jail for 3 years. It’s here that Simon found faith. Upon release Simon vowed to mend his ways and was granted a job advertising savings accounts for a major bank.

– ARTICLE CONTINUES BELOW –

But, times and adverts change and he soon found himself out of work again. Another lifeline was thrown his way in the form of the Steven Spielberg project: Animaniacs. He was to become ‘Skippy Squirrel’. But fame was too much for Simon and his bad habits returned. He revisited the set of Sonic demanding they re-make the original but with updated graphics. His demands were not met and Simon cracked. Later that night 7 Red Squirrels were found murdered and a valuable stash of acorns had disappeared. Simon was the number 1 suspect. For 6 months he managed to dodge the law. But unfortunately he became complacent and was unable to dodge the Volvo S40 travelling at 50mph. Since learning of his downfall and untimely death, Sonic has been riddled with guilt. He has yet to return to form and all because of that fateful day.

R.I.P Simon the Squirrel. Gone but not forgotten.

– PAGE CONTINUES BELOW –