Abridged Too Far – Nine

Due to the fact that this is a very recent game, it goes without saying that it heavily features spoilers. You have been warned!

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BATMAN: ARKHAM ASYLUM

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There was once a man named Bat…Man. Don’t be fooled however, he was not actually a bat. He was a man, that part is true. No, Batman was in fact a billionaire with a penchant for vigilante behaviour and rubber suits. Don’t judge too harshly though, he was the good kind. One day, he captured his arch enemy: The Joker; a man with a smiley disposition and a tendency for psychotic behaviour. Personally I think the two just really fancied each other but couldn’t admit it. Anyway, Batman captured The Joker and took him to the local loony-bin: Arkham Asylum. As its name would suggest, it was a warm and welcoming place full of Gotham City’s most notorious and criminally insane citizens. It was voted #1 tourist attraction 3 years on the trot too.

 Upon arriving at Arkham Asylum, The Joker was quickly strapped to…what is that? A vertical table with wheels apparently. Gotham City Police had a heavy presence and Comissioner Gordon was awaiting the new arrival. Gordon was an older gentleman yet still managed to retain the physique of a young Arnold Schwarzenegger.

GORDON: We are so glad you captured The Joker, Batman.

BATMAN: He gave up all too easily. Something isn’t right.

JOKER: Knock knock!

GORDON: Not now Joker. So, Batman, do you still want to do this?

BATMAN: Yeah, I’m just saying it doesn’t feel right that’s all.

GORDON: But you still want us to take him in?

BATMAN: It doesn’t feel right, but yes, take him in.

GORDON: Have you had these ‘feelings’ before?

BATMAN: Twice actually.

GORDON: Really? What happened?

BATMAN: I’d rather not talk about it. All I will say is ‘Joel Schumacher’.

GORDON: Enough said. Lock him up boys.

The Joker was wheeled further into the asylum and Batman was kept at bay due to health and safety. Something about capes and lawsuits. All of a sudden Joker broke free and killed the surrounding guards. Batman smashed a nearby window to get at him but he was too late. Harley Quinn, Joker’s bit on the side, had gained control of the security, let Joker out but locked Batman in. They then released some inmates from their cells and Batman found himself in a fight. But the Bat’s fighting skills were exemplary and he knocked out all of the inmates without any real hitch. It also helped that the inmates’ fighting skills were equal to that of a three-legged hedgehog.

JOKER: Where do you find a duck with no legs?

BATMAN: Um…What?

JOKER: Where you left him! Ha ha ha. Come and get me.

Now they were playing hide and seek. This was a blatant show of affection. Sure, it’s sugar-coated with death and violence but everyone could feel the sexual tension. The Joker unlocked the door and Batman wasted no time in chasing after him. He ran down the corridors, although he didn’t really need to run but he liked the way his cape waved in the wind. The Joker had left him some highly amusing chattering teeth along the way. Batman took his frustration out on these and stamped on them until they were in pieces. He continued on through the building and finally met up with some Policeman and a doctor. There was a bit of commotion going on in the observation room. A lunatic by the name of Zsasz had kidnapped one of the guards and was threatening to kill him.

ZASZ: I’ll kill him if I so much as see a bat-shaped object.

His senses had obviously failed him due to the fact that Batman had sneaked right past him, climbed a stone gargoyle (what type of building doesn’t have these?) and dived feet first toward the homicidal maniac. With one swift dropkick Zasz hit the ground and for good measure, Batman punched him the back of the head whilst he was down. He turned and looked at the Policeman.

BATMAN: You Okay?

POLICEMAN: I’m fine. Thank you so much for saving me.

BATMAN: Whatever. Where’s the exit?

POLICEMAN: There isn’t one, The Joker has locked us in.

BATMAN: What about that vent?

POLICEMAN: What are you crazy? There’s no way we could escape through a man-sized ventilation system.

Batman turned on his detective equipment and everything went infra-red with a hint of X-Ray. Written on the walls in glow-in-the-dark paint, above the vent, was the word ‘EXIT’ with an arrow pointing at it.

BATMAN: See I knew that, I didn’t even need to use my detective skills.

Just then one of the copious amounts of TVs in the room turned on to show Harley Quinn with the warden of Arkham Asylum, Mr. Sharpie, as her hostage. Now Batman had to add saving him to his list of things to do. 

Batman broke open the vent and crawled through the ventilation shaft. He emerged to find 3 armed guards not too far away. Taking on armed guards would be suicide apparently so he sneaked up into the rafters, dropped down behind them and, one by one, took them down with what he liked to call a ‘silent takedown’. I say silent but they were actually noisier than tortoises having sex (if you’ve not heard this then trust me, it’s noisy), but because the guards were facing the opposite direction, they didn’t have a clue. All of a sudden Batman’s radio crackled into life.

RECORDED VOICE: High there. Have you been injured and it wasn’t your fault?

Batman hung up immediately. He was fed up with receiving sales calls via his Batphone. But then it rang again. He was about to shout more abuse down the phone when he noticed this one wasn’t recorded.

RIDDLER: Hey Bats. What’s happening? I have some riddles for you. The first one is: There is a picture on the wall. Look at it.’

This wasn’t so much a riddle as it was instructions. Batman looked at the picture on the wall and the riddle was solved.

RIDDLER: Damn it, I thought that would be hard. Until next time Batman.

With that random conversation over and done with, Batman noticed a policeman cowering in the corner. They were all such a bunch of girls! After chatting with the copper, Batman now had to add saving Commissioner Gordon to his list of things to do. He found his way out of the building and out to the main Arkham complex. The view of the loony-bin was amazing; the courtyard areas needed some good gardening but Batman didn’t have the time, maybe later. He received an alert to make him aware that someone was trying to steal the Batmobile. He ran through Arkham West into Arkham North. The goons had taken over this part but were no match for the Dark Knight. From now on, just take it that Batman can dispatch of Joker’s henchmen with ease. They were not difficult. He saved the Batmobile (a souped up Toyota Yaris with a mean spoiler and 22” alloys) and then noticed a strange smell of tobacco. His senses kicked in and he could tell it was Gordon’s. He turned on his detective mode and was now able to trace Gordon as he could now see small amounts of tobacco everywhere. Note to self: Buy one of those computers.

The trail led him to the Medical Center. Upon entering the medical unit he immediately smelled a pork pie lying in a room to his left. The door was blocked, the window was unbreakable and the vent on the wall was too high to enter. He spent the next hour trying to devise a plan to gain access to the room and eat the pie, but he soon gave up and realised that the delicious snack would have to wait; he was coming back for it though. He travelled deeper into the Medical Center and came across a room filled with guards who were holding some doctors hostage. He swung around the room, smashed through glass ceilings and jumped from ledges. The result of all this acrobatic skill was that he had created a neatly formed pile of enemies. He freed the doctors and told them to stay-put whilst he searched the area more thoroughly. The next encounter of note was in the Morgue. After seeing the bodies of his parents and his child-self, he realised he needed to lay off the Red Bull. But it wasn’t his choice of drink that was the problem. He encountered The Scarecrow. This crazy mo fo had poisoned him and he begun to have a very trippy, but ultimately awesome hallucination whereby he had to scale crumbling walls and floors to shine a light in The Scarecrow’s eyes. It is a scientific fact that Scarecrows are susceptible to bad sun burn.

After conquering the drug induced madness he continued on with his mission. Not too far from here Batman stumbled across Comissioner Gordon and freed him. Of course there was no gratitude at all. But at this time he also encountered Bane. Bane was a harmless man until he is pumped full of ‘Venom’, then he becomes an uber steroid monkey. This fight would surely pose a challenge for Batman?…No. Bane ran at full speed toward the Bat, but Batman was smart. He evaded quickly and Bane went head first into the wall. While stunned, Batman leaned in and sung Bane a goodnight lullaby. Needless to say, Bane fell into a deep sleep. Easy. From here Batman was able to access the Batcave that he built under Arkham Asylum some years ago. Convenient huh? Whilst in his Cave, Batman learns that Dr. Young had been experimenting on patients and had invented ‘Venom’. Apparently Joker made her do it via an alias and this is how Bane came about. Bloody women! He now had to go to Dr. Young’s office, destroy her notes on Venom before Joker found out and thus disable his ability to create an army of Banes. He destroyed the notes and searched her computer for any further info. He found some very kinky torrent links which we won’t go into but he then intercepted a communication saying that Dr. Young was being held hostage (again) by Zsasz, who was obviously feeling better after getting his arse whooped, in the Wardens office, just down the corridor from where he was.

BATMAN: Christ. You tell someone to stay put…they run off. You tell someone you were drunk…still classed as…Erm, oops! Ignore that.

He ran down the corridor, which appeared to be about 3 miles long, before becoming affected by more of Scarecrow’s gas. But seeing as he had already experienced this, he knew what to do and once again, gave The Scarecrow a real good bout of sunburn. On to the Warden’s office and, after presenting Zsasz with a particularly tricky crossword from The Beano to distract him, rescued Dr. Young.

BATMAN: I need to know more about this ‘Venom’.

DR. YOUNG: I don’t know anything more!

BATMAN: You created it!

DR. YOUNG: Oh alright. It’s a toxin that I created on behalf of a man, who we now know to have been The Joker. It turns normal people into super-mutants, a la Bane. He has taken a sample from Bane however so he does have it in his possession. There are a few pumping stations underground that he will be using to pump it into the water supply with the intention of poisoning Gotham. He aims to create an army of Banes and take over everything.

Just then a bomb exploded killing Dr. Young. Batman looked at her, shrugged and turned on his detective mode. He picked up traces of the Warden’s blood and traced it to the Penitentiary unit. This was the most inviting place of all. With luxury apartments all around the room and some nice underfloor-heating which doubled up as an electrical deterrent. The largest ‘cell’ appeared to be filled with a red mist and upon peering inside, Batman saw Poison Ivy smoking some kind of plant. She quickly put out her blunt and came to the glass.

IVY: Well hello Batman. Do you fancy me?

BATMAN: Erm…No?

IVY: I don’t believe you. Release me and kiss me.

BATMAN: Erm…No!

IVY: But my Plants are in pain.

BATMAN: I’m not a tree hugger. I don’t care. Have a nice life.

Batman ventured into the main part of the Penitentiary where he stumbled across Harley Quinn, The Warden and more electrical floors. After jumping around to dodge the floor and killing 57 henchmen at the same time, he releases Warden Sharpie. He tells the Warden to stay there. Chances are slim, no one does as they are told here. He then pursued Harley Quinn. He finally tracked her down and she was unable to fight for herself but didn’t realise how useless the inmates were, so she soon found herself with no option but to take on the Bat. She cartwheeled toward him (apparently she’s too good for walking or running) but he side-stepped the onslaught, tripped her up and threw her into a holding cell.

BATMAN: Tell me where Joker is.

HARLEY QUINN: Never. He will rescue me.

BATMAN: He won’t though. He already started dating Tina from public relations. I saw him kissing her.

HARLEY QUINN: You lie!

BATMAN: I’m not lying. She even asked about you and he did even remember who you were. Now where is he?

HARLEY QUINN: Nope. Not telling.

BATMAN: Okay then, don’t tell me where he is.

HARLEY QUINN: Damn it. Reverse psychology, my only weakness. He is in the Botanical Gardens.

Batman swished his cape in a way that he had always wanted to do and ran toward the Gardens. Upon entering, Batman was faced with even more amounts of henchmen. He was sure this was the same lot he had already defeated. Either that or they were all part of some form of freaky litter, seeing as they looked like each other. Duelling Banjos came to mind. But again these foes were easily knocked out. Although he enjoyed experiencing every punch, Batman had now reached the point whereby he wanted to finish them all off in gory fashion. If it weren’t for his damn ‘don’t kill’ rules, he would have done. He gained access to Joker’s Venom production facility and finally was face to face with his nemesis.

JOKER: What do you call a Dinosaur with no eyes?

BATMAN: Do-you-think-he-saw-us

JOKER: Oh, you’ve heard that one. Okay then. What does a Blackpool Pleasure Beach donkey get for lunch?

BATMAN: A carrot?

JOKER: No…45 minutes! Ha ha ha. What about this one. Batman, Catwoman, and Commissioner Gordon are in the maximum security wing of Arkham Asylum searching for the Joker.  As Gordon rounds a corner he sees a shadow and shouts, “Quick!  Joker!”.  Gordon turns to the others and sees Catwoman slumped on the floor dead, her neck broken.  Batman looks sheepish, “Did you say Joker or choke her?”

BATMAN: Have you been reading Lord Mooch’s joke book again? Just get on with it.

JOKER: Alright then.

At that moment, Joker fired some Venom darts into two of his henchmen and they violently transformed into Titans. Joker fled the scene and Batman was joined by 23 more ‘normal’ henchmen. The Titans roared loudly and began a charge. Batman threw a Batarang and it blinded one Titan who then turned and hit the second. The Titans then began a cat-fight between themselves whilst Batman destroyed the rest of the goons. The two Titans were flapping their arms wildly at each other whilst attempting to protect their faces and hair dos. Batman let them fight it out but before he left, he destroyed the Venom facility and headed onward. He came across Poison Ivy once more and he asked her for help. She was reluctant at first but Batman spotted something on the windowsill.

BATMAN: If you don’t help me, I will crush this Watercress.

IVY: No…not the Watercress, please. I’ll help. Down in Killer Croc’s lair are some spores. Collect them and you will create an antidote to the venom.

Batman ate the watercress anyway, it was one of his weaknesses.

IVY: I’ll get you for that.

Batman ran underground to find the spores but was again victim to the Scarecrow. This time Batman battled out its effects and chased the crow-scarer down into the sewers. Whilst making a very cliché threat about dropping his gas into the water, Scarecrow didn’t notice the great big mutated crocodile behind him. Neesless to say, the croc won. Batman now sped through the sewers collecting spores all the while being chased by Killer Croc. Croc’s attacks were obvious and repetitive so Batman had no problems in dealing with him. After collecting enough spores for an antidote, he headed to the surface. But before he could leave he needed to deal with Killer Croc one final time. A fist fight would have been madness so he insulted Croc’s mum. Something witty about beastiality. Croc was pissed and charged at Batman. Just as he was inches from our hero Batman reached out and tickled the Croc. Killer Croc let out a high pitched laugh, exclaiming that he was ultra ticklish. Batman tickled him into a very large hole. Job done. Now, to the surface. He needed to find Ivy to test the antidote.

She wasn’t hard to find, she was getting ‘intimate’ with an oak tree in the Botanical Gardens. He went to inject her but she was lifted high into the air by some mean, mutated, uber venus fly trap. A fly trap that also shot weird spore things at him. Compared to everyone else, Poison Ivy was actually a tricky fight at first. But after ‘rescuing’ himself several times he noticed a pattern: Spikes, Spores, Spikes, Henchmen, Spores, Spikes. Using timing skills that rivalled Rolex, he was able to take down the evil plant lady and injected her with the antidote. The plants died and it appeared to work. With his work done, he once again headed outside. Upon entering the courtyard, a speaker bellowed out Joker’s voice.

JOKER: Batman. Come and join in my party. Visitor Center. Come now. NOW!

Batman did as he was told, after all they secretly loved each other’s company. He entered the Visitor’s Center and was mobbed by 40 guards. The moves that Batman pulled off here were nothing short of beautiful. He downed them all in one flowing motion. He counted in his head and he had performed a 40+ combo. He wondered if he would get rewarded in some way. Anyway, he moved into the main section of the center and finally met his nemesis. He had captured Gordon again!

BATMAN: Commissioner…You are crap. Can you not look after yourself for 5 minutes?

The Joker lifted his dart gun, pointed it at the Commissioner and fired. Batman, in a completely self-less act, dove and blocked the dart’s path.

JOKER: Well this is interesting. Knock Knock.

BATMAN: YOUR MUM! I won’t be changed, I refuse to change.

JOKER: In which case…

The Joker injected himself with the Venom and he transformed into a mental Joker, 11ft tall will a severe case of Elephantitus. The fight was on. The Joker stood on a roof top whilst Batman defeated waves of goons. Joker turned his back to wave at the helicopters and Batman used his grapple to pull Joker off of the rooftop crashing onto the floor. Joker got up.

JOKER: Note to self, that floor looks unstable, remind me to not turn my back and fall for that again.

But he did just that. Distracted by the media attention, he turned his back again and Batman pulled him off once more. This time he crashed through the floor and into some electrical wires. He emerged from the whole weak and defeated. The police moved in and restrained him.

BATMAN: That was it? That was The Joker Vs Batman. Im disappointed in you Joker. That was easy and such a huge anticlimax. I had a ball getting here but…no. You were rubbish.

GORDON: We are so grateful Batman…

BATMAN: Save it for the next time you get kidnapped which I’m sure will be in about 5 minutes. Loser.

Batman disappeared into the night.

THE END

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