My Top Ten: Wartime Lessons

Another Top Ten that is actually two Top Fives! I know you love your episodically delivered content…

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Things Games Taught Me about the Nazis.

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  • They become slightly more difficult to kill as their rank increases. A general will take a couple of shots but a wehrmacht rifleman falls over in a pool of blood if you give him a firm shove.
  • They were obsessed with supernatural things. Odd for an ideology that outwardly rejected religions, the Nazis seemed to be obsessed with filling that “spooky mythology” void with anything else they could imagine.
  • They might not have been very nice but they had style. Say what you want about the jackbooted fascists, they knew how to dress. Black leather and scarlet-red is a winning combination. Of course, I’d rather it wasn’t attached to a lunatic.
  • They love their red barrels, munitions dumps and other explosive scenery. Despite the obvious dangers they just can’t resist standing around anything that is prone to easily blowing your limbs off.
  • They were a little bit stupid. I know, it’s not nice to generalise a whole ideological group based on the relative few that you’ve encountered but all the Nazis I’ve ever had to face have been stuck to defined patrol paths, prone to taking static cover and only leaving their heads exposed or unreasonably disposed to standing amongst red barrels.

Things Games Taught Me about the Allies

  • They are indestructible. No matter how many times they get shot, blown up or run over they appear again within minutes. No wonder they won the war.
  • They are useless at throwing grenades. Honestly, how many allied soldiers have you seen throw a decent grenade? The bloody Nazis manage to get them to land in my pocket from 100 yards away but my side couldn’t hit a bovine backside with a banjo.
  • They don’t talk much. The Nazis never shut up, chattering away in Nazi-ish. My side barely grunt at each other unless I’m in multiplayer and then they only let their babies cry at me and have screaming arguments with their girlfriends. Don‘t they know there’s a war on?
  • They don’t have proper ranks or areas of expertise. At any point any Allied soldier can be put in charge of something or turn his hand to fixing a jeep, sniping an enemy VIP from five hundred yards, driving a tank or flying a plane. Sometimes they even demonstrate the ability to manipulate whatever supernatural weirdness the Nazis have uncovered.
  • They were nearly all from the US. Sure, there were a few British soldiers in the war but not many and the ones they had were all Scottish because they’ve got the best accents. There were absolutely no Canadians, Australians or New Zealanders and a disproportionately large amount of rude French resistance leaders. It’s a wonder their resistance wasn’t more effectual really, considering how many leaders they had.
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