The shocking conclusion to the Console Nativity. Who is the father of Bayonetta’s child? How many crap gags can I fit in? And what rhymes with ‘Frankincense’? Read on to find out. If you missed part one, it’s here.
Night time, Kratos and Bayonetta are in a stable, straw is scattered across the floor and a single lamp flickers in one corner. Heavy Rain can be heard falling outside. .
Bayonetta: It’s hardly the Waikiki Prince Hotel but it will do I guess.
Kratos: Never mind my love, we don’t need five star room service or epidurals.
Bayonetta: Well actually I’d quite like an epidural rather than experience the agony of natural child birth. Give me drugs. Now.
Kratos: Alas my love, I have none. Calm you mind and listen to soothing voices of the animals whose stable we share. Look over yonder, there is.. uhm.. a dragon.
Spyro: Good evening.
Kratos:.. and..er.. a blue hedgehog..
Kratos:.. and a bandicoot.
Kratos: ..and.. I have no idea what that is. Some sort of furry monkey thing?
Eyepet: I’m an Eyepet.
Kratos: Okay.. an Eyepet.
Bayonetta: Surely there should be sheep? Convention dictates that three shepherds are going to show any second and it’s going to be a bit odd with no sheep.
Kratos: Good point. And don’t call me Shirley.
Eyepet: Don’t worry, we can pretend to be sheep, right guys?
Crash: Indeedy. We can flock like sheep.
Spyro: Heh. Yeah. Flock. We love flocking.
Sonic (sniggering): Yeah, me and Tails flock all night
Bayonetta: That was one mental picture I could of done without, someone pass the mind bleach.
The stable door opens and the three men arrive. They begin to sing..
While shepherds watched their flocks by night.
They see a bright new SingStar
Karaoke versions of Britney Spears
the music seems to come from afar
Hark now hear Angels sung,
Robbie Williams biggest hit,
A man who regret forever more
the day Take That he decided to quit.
Bayonetta: That was more to do with pop music rather than with games!
Kratos: Yes, but the author is hoping he can get away with it by mentioning Singstar – and there was a Singstar: Take That.
Bayonetta: Gotcha. So who are these three visitors?
General Shepherd: I am General Shepherd from Call Of Duty 2: Modern Warfare!
Alex Shepherd: I am Alex Shepherd from Silent Hill Homecoming!
Commander Shepard: I am Commander Shepard from Mass Effect!
Spyro: So that makes you..
General Shepherd: The Three Shepherds.
Alex Shepherd: We have been guided here by the Singstar so we can witness the birth of our lord and saviour. I believe the wise men are just behind us.
A lone man enters the stable.
Crash: One wise man?
Ansem The Wise: Yes, only one. Budget cutbacks, there’s a recession on dontchaknow. If it’s any consolation I was voiced by the mighty Christopher Lee in ‘Kingdom Hearts’.
Ansem: I bring gifts for the new born king, Everybody’s Golf, Splatterhouse and Pure.
Commander Shepard: That wasn’t as clever as the Three Shepherds gag.
Eyepet: Well you find a game that rhymes with “Frankincense”.
Crash: Quiet! I think the baby is about to be born!
Bayonetta starts to grunt and groan as she gives birth
Kratos: Eww that’s disgusting. I’ve gutted harpies that look prettier than that.
With a comedy ‘pop!’ sound effect, the baby is born.
Kratos: Is it a boy? Is it a girl? Tell me what it is!
Alex Shepherd: Congratulations, you’ve had a baby.. Milo!
Milo: Hello! I am Milo!You are wearing a brown loincloth!
Milo: You look sad. Play with me, I promise not to tell anyone you like playing with small boys.
Milo: Hello! You are wearing a brown loincloth!
Commander Shepard: I can see this getting irritating very quickly.
Milo: Hello! I am Milo! Why not use you hands to touch me virtually!
Kratos (to Milo): SHUT UP!
Kratos (to Bayonetta): Explain why your son is Project Natal’s Milo and not the Son Of God?
Bayonetta: Well, er.. there’s a simple explanation..
Kratos: And is it is…?
Sonic: I can explain, for Milo is my son!
Kratos: Your son? But he looks nothing like you! He’s not blue or spikey!
Sonic: Ah but that is because I am in a cunning disguise! I am in fact…
Sonic rips of what we now know to be a mask and costume to reveal..
Peter Molyneux: Peter Molyneux!
Everyone gasps in shock
Eyepet: Oh. My. God. Peter Molyneux has been flocking Tails! Call the RSPCA!
Molyneux: Yes it really is me, my destiny has been fulfilled!
Kratos: What the hell are you on about?
Molyneux: I, Peter Molyneux, creator of the first “God Sim”, Populous, have now created the virtual saviour, Milo! He is the Son Of (the) God (sim creator)! Worship him.. and me! I can do no wrong!
Crash: Really? You used to make ground breaking games. Populous, Magic Carpet, Syndicate.. and now you’re making virtual boys?
Spyro: He’s got a point.. virtual children? Is that what people really want?
Bayonetta: It’s a little bit creepy, admit it.
Molyneux: It is not.
Ansem: Oh yes it is.
Molyneux: Oh no it’s not.
Milo: Touch me, I like it!
Molyneux looks Milo and grimaces slightly..
Molyneux: Well maybe he is a little bit creepy…
Kratos: All the money has clouded your judgement, you are not God and you cannot create virtual life.
Molyneux: But.. but.. those nice people at the Temple of Microsoft said I can!
Bayonetta: You’ve started believe your own hype Peter.
Molyneuxs face as crumples as he realises what he has created
Molyneux: Oh… oh my.. what have I done! I have worshipped false gods! The money lenders in the temple have led me astray and made me believe that people want a creepy boy in their televisions when what they really want is ‘Syndicate 2010’ in 1080P with 7.1 surround sound! Oh woe is me!
Milo: You look sad, let’s going fishing!
Molyneux: Oh feck off Milo! Someone pull the plug on him and load up Modern Warfare 2!
Kratos: This is more like it! This is the spirit of Christmas gaming, kill streaks, head shots and multiplayer frag matches!
Bayonetta: Bring it on baby! Happy Christmas everyone!
Everyone: Happy Christmas!