Abridged Too Far – E3 Special

E3 Special – Microsoft’s Conference

Swirly green and white lights filled the conference hall. The lights eventually dimmed before Call of Duty: Black Ops filled the screens. A single clap echoed around the room…turns out someone had just caught a fly.

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JOURNO #1: What is this? The Cold War? Pfft. That is so last year, don’t they know it’s all about being ‘modern’ these days?

JOURNO #2: It has Eminem on the soundtrack, though.

JOURNO #3: Oh, well, why didn’t you say so? Nothing says Cold War like a bit of Eminem.

The game demo finished.

JOURNOS: Woop…woo…oh, forget it.

Don Mattrick took to the stage and began talking and waving his hands about in an enthusiastic manner.

DON: Wasn’t that great?

JOURNOS:….

DON: Oh…errr…well, moving on.

Hideo Kojima appeared to discuss and show Metal Gear Solid: Rising. Playing as Raiden you slice and dice your way through everything.

RAIDEN: Who called me ‘Gay’ when MGS2 came to market?

HENCHMEN 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 & 6: We did.

Raiden proceeded to slice them into hundreds of tiny sections before attacking a van. To be fair the van was parked illegally.

RAIDEN: Anyone else wanna call me names?

JOURNOS: No, no. We’ve always thought you were very manly.

Kojima left the stage and Rising had impressed. The Daily Mail began work on their future article entitled: Playing Metal Gear Solid: Rising Whilst Pregnant Will Cause Your Baby To Grow A Samurai Sword For An Arm And Cut His/Her Way Out Of The Womb.

Don returned to the stage to keep the momentum by introducing Cliffy B and Gears of War 3. Cliffy B and few of his team demoed the threequel.

FENIX: Kill kill kill. Shoot shoot shoot.

COLE: In case none of you have noticed, I’m black. I was one step away from being called “Cole Mother Fucker Train”.

JOURNO #67: Looks like Gears of War 1 & 2.

JOURNO #68: Not a bad thing, though. Looks good.

JOURNO #69: Oooooo, look! That guy has tentacles.

JOURNO #70: SOLD!

The Gears of War 3 demonstration ended. Cliffy B looked at the crowd for some form of response but that awkward situation occurred where no response was given. It’s like when you think you saw someone you know and then wave at them only to realise it wasn’t the person you thought it was…only this time you’re waving at over 1000 journalists.

A man named Peter Molyneaux appeared to talk about Fable III but no one in the world can remember this happening.

In order to wake up the now sleeping journalists, a man looking like the love child of John Barrowman and Harry Connick Jr took the spotlight to announce an Xbox 360 exclusive. A trailer played.

JOURNOS: Oooo, a Crytek exclusive.

JOURNO #342: God of War!

JOURNO #343: Don’t be stupid. It’s Gladiator.

JOURNO #344: It’s called Codename: Kingdoms? Rubbish name.

JOURNO #345: An unconfirmed source tells me that the protagonist is called Crytos.

The teaser trailer for Codename: Kingdoms came to an end and many people were unhappy that they had just been woken up.

It was now time for Microsoft’s big gun. Halo Reach. The mic was given to a Zangief look-a-like who introduced footage of the latest title from Bungie.

JOURNO #871: Looks good.

JOURNO #872: Does, doesn’t it!

JOURNO #873: I like it. I really like it.

JOURNO #871: Wait! Space combat?

JOURNO #872: Why would they do that? Why? Why?

JOURNO #874: I love space combat. This going to be awesome.

JOURNO #873: Shut up Journo #874.

The crowd were almost happy. Marc Whitten came on stage to introduce Microsoft’s newest hardware – Kinect.

WHITTEN: It’s brilliant. We can track a mouse from 3000 miles away…as long as it’s standing up. It’s going to revolutionise the world and may even lead to world peace. This will all be achieved through the medium of dance.

Over the next half hour, although it seemed like a lifetime, several people took to the stage to dance like tortured bears whilst those in attendance and those watching around the world felt like tortured bears.

Game after game was shown using Kinect, including a raft racing game. The two women demoing the game were very enthusiastic.

MICHELLE: Oh my god, Tiffany, this game is amazing. Look at the water.

TIFFANY: I know, Michelle, it’s like we’re actually doing it.

MICHELLE: We can go anywhere.

JOURNO #43: Except on land.

Another man appeared to demo Kinect’s interactivity with the Xbox and movies.

PRESENTER #7899: The Xobx, via Kinect, can now be voice controlled. Let me show you. Xbox, Music.

XBOX: …

PRESENTER #7899: X. Box. Mu. Sic.

XBOX: Sorry, you talkin’ to me?

PRESENTER #7899: Yes.

XBOX: ‘Sup?

PRESENTER #7899: Play music.

XBOX: Sorry, I’ve run out of Museli.

PRESENTER #7899: PLAY MUSIC!

XBOX: Alright, no need to shout. What would you like?

PRESENTER #7899: How about some Justin Bieber?

XBOX: No.

PRESENTER #7899: What?

XBOX: No. There is nothing on this Earth that will  make me play Justin Bieber. In fact, looking at your music folder, I’m not playing anything until you buy some actual music.

PRESENTER #7899: Err…Play movie, then.

XBOX: That I can do.

The Xbox played a movie and the presenter moved on to demonstrate how you can control the film with Kinect.

PRESENTER #7899: If I reach up and hold my hand here for exactly 76 seconds, the movie will know that I wish to fast forward, rewind or pause. I can then move my hand to control it. Never before has this kind of control been given to the user.

JOURNO #211: USE A FUCKING REMOTE, YOU IDIOT!

Then a little girl appeared to play with a virtual tiger.

LITTLE GIRL: Hey there, Tiger. Do you want to play?

JOURNO #56: Lucky that isn’t a Tiger of the Woods variety otherwise that question takes on a whole new meaning.

LITTLE GIRL: Ha ha ha. Skip. Ha ha ha ha ha. Stop licking me, Tiger, it tickles.

JOURNO #764: It’s not real you patronising bunch of muppets.

After 4 journalists committed suicide, Don returned to reveal a brand new Xbox model. The Xbox 360 Slim.

JOURNO #12: SEEN IT.

DON: But it’s slim. And shiny.

JOURNO #1002: It is quite nice. I like it.

JOURNO #1001: It looks like a squashed toaster.

JOURNO #1003: Probably gives off the same level of heat.

JOURNO #1001: Oh snap!

JOURNO #1004: I’m with Journo #1002, I like it.

DON: It’s going to cost the same as current Xbox models and will begin shipping THIS WEEK. Oh and everyone here will be given one as they leave.

The crowd erupted with cheers, whoops, claps and screaming. A few even stood to applaud Don.

JOURNO #555: This is the best conference ever.

JOURNO #556: What was your favourite part?

JOURNO #555: When they gave away the Xbox Slim.

JOURNO #556: Yeah but what else happened?

JOURNO #555: I don’t know, I fell asleep. I had an awful nightmare that people were dancing and acting really badly, though. It was embarrassing. Then they gave us a free Xbox Slim. Free!

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35 Comments

  1. Brilliant:

    JOURNO #556: What was your favourite part?
    JOURNO #555: When they gave away the Xbox Slim.
    JOURNO #556: Yeah but what else happened?
    JOURNO #555: I don’t know, I fell asleep

    Makes me want to watch it for pure unadulterated LOLs

  2. Brilliant once again. Can’t wait for the next.
    I can only imagine what kind of awkward situations are going to happen around kinect:
    Xbox owner: Like I was saying, I’m a fan of Heavy Metal type of Music. Xbox stores it…
    Xbox: *starts playing Mirror’s Edge Soundtrack*
    Friend: Yeah right…

  3. Again though… What was the point of this article? You call this professional journalism?
    If you just want to rant and poke fun at Microsoft then why cover their news at all on your site
    I’ve had enough of the MS hate on this site

    • it isn’t serious dude

    • Chill, it’s a bit of fun. Abridged Too Far has been going for ages now. Feel free to read them to get an idea of what this feature is about http://www.thesixthaxis.com/tag/abridged-too-far/

      This has always been written for a laugh and never once has this been billed as “professional journalism”. It’s a joke!

    • As you just copy and pasted your comment from earlier, I have done the same.

      Oh dear. Someone’s got their knickers in a twist. It’s a article written by a highly talented writer, accentuating the reaction to Microsoft’s press conference and making something highly entertaining out of it. If Microsoft put on a better showing then there would probably be less to poke fun at.

      However, in the extended edition I would like to ask, where is the other Microsoft hate?

  4. hahaha i don’t know why but i got the picture this was a script for a monty python sketch

  5. That really made me LOL! Nice one, really needed that :)

  6. Brilliant as always!! :)

  7. Already anxious for the “Abrigded too far” about the Nintendo conference.
    Especially want to read about when they were having trouble with the controls in Zelda.

  8. Birlliantly written piece. And so true :P
    Just a shame Journalist #4 had to die, he was by far my favorite character

  9. Fantastic stuff Gastos, infinitely more entertaining than the actual thing!
    The Presenter and the Xbox talking to each other was particularly brilliant, haha, I’m still chuckling!

  10. Brilliant, Gastos :)

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