Greetings my flock, Father Tuffcub is back to save your souls from eternal damnation and torment. Once again I (and my chums at the ESRB) have risked offending the Lord on high by viewing the filth and depravity contained within video games so we can warn you dear, dear children to stay away from these titles.
The first twisted and depraved game is Spider-Man: Shattered Dimensions. Obviously you should avoid this game anyway as I assume Spider-Man is the hellish product of the mating of woman and spider. The ESRB has found that the game contains the lines “Touch me! Touch me! Go on, no one’s lookin'” and “Pervert!”. Disgusting.
The next gaggle of filth mongers are Electronic Arts who are bringing “The Sims” to consoles. I think they should rename it “The Sins” due to the dirty, dirty things you can get up to. The ESRB tells me you can “Make Woohoo” BEFORE marriage and also “Try For A Baby”. Then they note that “These actions are available to both heterosexual and same-sex couples.”
Same sex couples “Trying For A Baby”? This is a game not Primrose Hill adoption agency! I cannot even bring myself to imagine what this could mean in game, it probably involves lady boys and turkey basters.
Moving on to the next game in the pile and it’s from… Oh. Electronic Arts again. EA Sports MMA to be precise, a fighting game and that can only mean one thing, ‘Ring girls are somewhat provocatively dressed and their breasts jiggle slightly.’
Worrying developments from the Ninja Theory team as we head west for ‘Enslaved‘. The character Monkey says “It’s just your hand is . . . right on my . . . Penis.” Does this mean Ninja Theory have accurately modelled this most private appendage? Oh the horror! The last time someone did that was the GBDC and that disgusting digital ding dong was directly responsible for the global economy crash AND made all my Dairy Lee cheese triangles go sour.
Now I’ve seen many depraved acts in my time acting as your saviour for smut but the next game, Fable 3, takes shocking to a new level. Players can choose to engage in sexual relations (some unprotected) with males, females, or groups of characters.”
GROUP SEX? Digital orgies? Good Lord save us! Filth! FILTH!!! Next game quickly!!
Right what do we have here? Oh my dear Lord is that some young ladies buttocks? “In one sequence, a female character (viewed from behind) crawls slowly on the ground in a thong-like outfit.” What a dirty girl. Readers do not go anywhere near Fist of the North Star: Ken’s Rage.
My children I need to rest, this relentless assault of filth, depravity and buttocks has worn me out. My recommendation this month is a game that the UK has had for while but has recently made it to the USA. The game is Coconut Dodge and despite featuring huge falling coconuts, pearl necklaces, balls and crabs it has absolutely no smut. This game has my blessing.
Amen.
Source: ESRB
BrendanCalls
I cant help but think what came up on your screen when you searched for “Bear Priest”. I bet most of the images weren’t of the animal kind
freezebug2
That search would involve the police and the serious crimes squad…..doesn’t bear thinking about.
BrendanCalls
Thats a terrible joke, almost un-bear-able I’d say
exellentgamer
thats wierd
bunimomike
‘Fist of the North Star: Ken’s Rage’
Never has a game title fitted in with an article so well. If only Ken had tended to himself first, he’d be far calmer.
Praise be, Father Tuffcub.
ico
You have a new zealot Father. I’m converted! Praise be and can I get a Halleluja! A most amusing article with emphasis on the ‘ticle’ part. This has given me a big grin this morning. Also it’s made me consider trying new things – I’ve never played the Sims before but if I can get my mouse involved in nefarious activities with ladyboys and turkey basters then I may just have to upgrade my PC for the privilege. Amen.
kevatron400
Haha love it. Especially the Bear of the cloth.
Nauraph
Excellent read, once again.
SpikeyMikey23
praise the cub!
justinjh
“that disgusting digital ding dong was directly responsible for the global economy crash AND made all my Dairy Lee cheese triangles go sour.”
What a quote! That’s made my day!
aerobes
Hilarious as usual, great stuff Tuffcub.
Phil_E
very funny
citizeninsane45
I always love how there is a gauge on how ‘jiggly’ the characters breasts are.