Meet the Reader: KAMIKAZE-UK

The Return

I’m back!

Hurrah! Where are you back from? The brink? The abyss?

How’s it going? Are you ready for me?

I’m de-pantsed and I’ve warmed up the bed nicely.

I was just playing a little Alleyway on my new Game Boy. Classic.

For the last four hours?!

No, no. Whilst I’ve been waiting for you. I’ll be in, in a sec. Just making us some hot chocolate.

Yay! Speaking of chocolate, I had a little Lindt bunny earlier, and was wondering why they have bells on them. Is it so they can’t run away?

Who cares. They are beautiful, with or without bells. Malteser bunnies, equally brilliant.

True. They should do a Halloween version, where it’s filled with Turkish Delight. That way, when you bite the ears off it’s all a bit like it’s full of brains!

If you like Turkish Delight. I’m not a fan.

Shame. Uh, where were we?

How about a bunny with big balls filled with Cadbury’s creme egg….

Hmmm… I dunno. I think that might be slightly too homo-erotic.

Budge over I can’t get in the bed.

“Too homo-erotic” he says.

“And the little one said, roll over, roll over…”

Pot, kettle, Stefler.

Ha! Well, either way, I think we know who the real culprit is behind the lack of satisfaction…

The Interview: Part 2

Anyways, my genre of gaming. RTS not so much.

Yes, please continue.

RPGs get started and huge amounts of time sunk into; my problem with RPGs is, I waste my time. I get drawn into the small details and get bored and then leave it. I’ll spend an hour chasing and killing wildlife in Red Dead Redemption and not progress any story. My game time is precious, with a little boy. Linear games, at this moment in time, are just perfect.

And shorter ones let you get to the end in time for the next big release too.

Exactly. I have Skyrim and it’s strategy guide but dare I start it without some time to myself planned?

And anyway, you’ve got more important things, like going to see Drogba and talking to me. Alrighty then, I always like to ask people what they consider their most embarrassing or worst game to be? Have you played any real stinkers in your time? Maybe a guilty pleasure?

I really can’t think of anything…

Worst game? Any Street Fighter/Mortal Kombat style fighting game. I suck at them and I just don’t see the appeal.

You spent four minutes typing that?

I knew you would say that. I was struggling.

Damn. I need to be less predictable. I know what you mean with fighting games, though. Just not my thing, at all.

Actually, I spent 30 seconds writing that, I was sipping my hot chocolate the rest of the time. Seriously, can you budge over just a little more?

It’s quite weird having a text chat with you, when you’re right next to me.

We need the text for the readers. Believe me guys, it’s much better being interviewed in person.

And girls. I’ll interview anyone in person. I’m not picky.

I should have brought the wife along. Is yours coming back by the way? She’s been gone a while.

I think she might be gone for good… It’s cool though, she was imaginary anyway.

Awww. Poor Stefmeister

Yeah… Poor me. Here I am, stuck with two kids (imaginary) to raise on my own!

I see why they call you Teflong.

Yes, they do call me Teflong for a reason. Uh, so how long have you been on TSA?

Like most people I’m afraid. I was looking at the trophy list, trying to find out where the special treasure was hidden in Uncharted 2. The trophy list feature is ingenious. I’ve been on TSA since May 2009. It’s my 3rd anniversary, so add 3 candles to that cake you bought me.

Shame. I like it better when there’s a bit more originality to a join up story…

I could make some stuff up for you to edit in?

Ok so yeah, I joined TSA because I heard about this guy called Teflundgren and I really wanted to meet him.

Did you get to meet him in the end?

No. Teflundgren was a fake account. I ended up meeting some guy called Teflon, he’s a lot less interesting. You seem alright though.

Far too silly? Always making crappy jokes? I know who you mean.

That’s the one.

You’re often found hanging around with all the boy racers, with their super charged virtual cars, aren’t you? A bit of GT5? I’m just curious to hear who you’ve got on well with in the community, and chit chat with the most.

I mainly keep myself to myself. That’s a nice way of saying ‘I haven’t made any real friends on here’.

In all seriousness, I have a blast most Mondays playing a game that’s not my favourite thing to play, but the guys are a good laugh and the community is what TSA is all about.

You have fun in the GT5 meets? But Jambo or Ash always fiddles with the settings and makes it stupid and difficult!

Being the community manager, I suppose you should get some credit too, mwah.

When Jambo is there, I count 2nd place as 1st.

When Jambo, Ash, Tom, Manor and all the other guys are there, I count 12th place as first. Aside from wanting to meet a weird person, and the totally rocking community, what else has kept you coming back to TSA? Do you have any particular favourite articles, for example?

The reviews, if the game interests me. It’s either the community stuff going on, like competitions/games etc, or just general video game news. I read more about gaming than I do about my other two passions, football and F1. I don’t exactly know what it is, I just love to know what’s going on in the industry, and TSA provide it all perfectly.

I follow twitter feeds to Kotaku, CVG and anything else gaming related, but the vast majority of articles I needed or wanted to read are on TSA. The humour in the comment sections help. I’m certainly looking forward to what’s written below.

Without kissing TSA’s arse too much, TSA is the only gaming site I visit daily.

Didn’t you know? Half the comments are all faked by Adam and myself. It used to all be Al, but he passed it on to us about a year ago.

I didn’t know that, but I’m not surprised.

Just you watch, there’ll be loads of people claiming that they’re “real” now. Bless my multiple personalities!

Like Posh spice claiming “They’re real”.

Yup. So, away from gaming and TSA, you like football and F1? Who do you support?

The mighty (4th placed and out of the champions league) Tottenham Hotspur, plus all the Brits in F1. I do like most teams and drivers in F1 though as they are mostly nice gentleman, unlike the twits in football.

I’d also like to add my wife and boy. My family come first and my boy is everything. Children are the best thing anyone can ever have.

Better than Herpes, I’ll give you that.

You probably will, stop rubbing yourself on me. Hot chocolate and a few kisses and you think I wanted this!?

It’s what you paid for! How old is your son now?

19 months. I dropped out of the F1 2010 championship because my wife went into labour.

50p gets a lot in here it seems.

Ah yes, I remember that! We’re very economical.

We have two convo’s going on, I’m going to get something wrong and it’s going to get me into trouble.

And now we have a third, overarching conversation too. Great.

Pass the lube. I can’t get this bottle top off.

Did your son get his head trapped in the banister again?

You’ve stumped me. You’ve worn me down and I am now broken.

That’s one way of putting it. I think the 3rd conversation got me muddled up.

Alright, I’m fairly certain it’s time to wrap this up about now.

Sounds good, I’ve been bored for the last half hour.

Well, that’s just charming. I do have the one final question, though.

Go on.

Snog, Civil Partnership, Smother and Shark Attack for the four podcast hosts Peter, Lewis, Kris and Kev?

Which one laughs like a girl?

Um… Possibly Kris? I’m not entirely sure.

Well if it is him I’s smother and then feed to the shark him. The others I couldn’t possibly answer, one more wrong answer and the wife will most certainly divorce me.

Oh, you could always let (force) her listen to an episode of the podcast and give her opinions.

I could do. I’d get 5 mins in and she’d say, “who’s the girl laughing in the background?”

Why does that colour everything? Do you not like this girl laugh?

He has every right to laugh like a girl but I have only heard two podcasts and that’s about as much as I’ve got from them. His, or her laugh.

Oh, well fair enough. And with that, this madness is brought to a close. Time to get dressed.

That went quick. 50p well spent in my eyes though, thanks very much. Absolute bargain. I recommend you to my father.

I’m often told that’s a blessing in disguise. Uh, Do you have any last words to say to the  readers that got this far?

Hey readers, thanks for reading. Oh and don’t solely judge me on this?

Little disclaimer there.

*All deviant acts described in this interview were the act of two fervent minds separated by many miles. Any similarities to real events are entirely intentional.

Thanks to KAMIKAZE for being a good sport, and doing this interview… Oh, wait… There’s more?! This can’t possibly be any good…