Why We Didn’t Post Any News On Friday

The more observant of you may have noticed there was no news posted on TSA last Friday. The news team were all in and fervently scouring our sources but there really was nothing to report but that has not stopped others from filling their pages with what I categorise as NotNews. So for one day only, and to fill up some space as actual proper news is still very thin on the ground, I present a tongue in cheek round up of the news that never was.

– ARTICLE CONTINUES BELOW –

NOTNEWS: Game still not released!

The Elder Scrolls Online maybe released next month according to multiple sources who spotted that the Microsoft store had moved the game’s console release date to be February 24th, having previously shown a vague “2015” date.

Those who reported the news have failed to notice the store has now been updated and its back to a general “2015” release date.


NOTNEWS: Game still being released on day it’s meant to be released!

The release date of January 27th for the PC version of Grand Theft Auto V maybe be incorrect, speculated the internet when the Steam page was updated from “Coming soon” to “Early 2015”.

The internet went bonkers, as the internet does, and all sorts of accusations were flung at Rockstar despite January 27th most definitely falling in the “Early 2015” category.

“GTA5 will be coming to PC on January 27th. We have not announced any changes to this date at this time,” posted Rockstar in their official forums.


NOTNEWS: The fourth game in a series is like the other three!

Fans of the Mass Effect series were in rapture when it was revealed that Mass Effect 4 might a bit like the previous three games.


NOTNEWS: Current game taking precedent over future game!

CD Projekt Red were forced to tell the internet that they were busy working on their current game and not another one.

“The first rule of Cyberpunk 2077 is that we don’t talk about Cyberpunk 2077,” said Michal Platkow-Gilewski, the developer’s head of marketing and public relations.

“On a more serious note, in short, communication-wise, we are now focusing entirely on The Witcher: Wild Hunt. Everyone is working crazy hard to give gamers around the world an RPG to remember. Worry not, Cyberpunk 2077 is OK, its time will come.”


NOTNEWS: Steam Machines are still a thing!

Remember Steam Machines? They were a thing, then they went a bit quiet as they were in production. The hot news is that they are still a thing!

“We’re planning a very large presence at GDC with Steam Machines being front and centre,” said Valve.


NOTENEWS: Controller that is currently being designed still being designed!

The controller for still-a-thing Steam Machines is still being designed says a bloke who may know this sort of thing.

“They came out with the controller, then they got some user feedback, and they had to revamp it; they got some more user feedback and had to revamp it again,” said Origin PC CEO Kevin Wasielewski.

steam


NOTNEWS: Mafia III is not announced!

The internet went bonkers when voice actor of Vito from Mafia II tweeted the following, which was then followed by rampant speculation about a game that does not exist.


NOTNEWS: Xbox One still does not have always online DRM!

Back in the heady days of 2013 Microsoft botched the Xbox One reveal quite badly with all sorts nasty things including an always online DRM policy. That was swiftly removed and no one has given it a second thought until Far Cry 4 vanished from the Xbox store and all digital copies of the game stopped working.

O, and indeed, M and G.

Cute headless chicken panic from the internet and cries that Microsoft had sneakily introduced the DRM policy, although every level headed person assumed it was just a glitch. Guess what? It was a glitch.

“If customers own the rights to a game, they can visit their download history and initiate a re-download whenever they please – even if the game has been delisted from Xbox Store and is no longer available for purchase,” a Microsoft representative confirmed.


NOTNEWS: What? Just.. WHAT?

Pop sensation One Direction have ruined a European coding conference. The cheeky fivesome deliberately scheduled a concert in Cardiff this June at the same time as DjangoCon, an annual coding convention for those who specialise in Django, a web framework that powers Instagram and Pinterest.

As all the hotel rooms in the area have been booked in advance by fans of the “Steal My Girl” singers DjangoCon has been cancelled and will be moved to a future date. This is all One Direction’s fault, they clearly have beef with coding language and it’s certainly not just bad timing.

– PAGE CONTINUES BELOW –

13 Comments

  1. That not news about that controller is news to me!! Looks badass :) Xbox please take note, I am not impressed with how tacky the current one is. My mate told me the 360 one was worse though.

    If they made a new one now I would buy it. Am still shocked it takes batteries. Got one of those recharge packs for my Bday though so all is good now.

    • About the Steam Machine controller from Valve? It was announced over a year ago, I think, and various prototypes have floated around at trade shows since.

      • Yeah, it was initially rumoured/announced some time back & there has been the odd murmur about it every now & again. Nothing concrete as far as I know though (or not that I have heard at least).

        Although, personally I think that controller looks fugly & unwieldy, but that’s just me.

      • Actually, it’s just hit me what bugs me the most about it – It kinda looks like Jar Jar Binks’ face!

        Ugh.

      • The direction buttons look clunky but apart from that the touch sticks (i’ve no idea what to call them!) look a step in the right direction. Could proove awful in reality. The DS4 is brilliant progression while the X-one controller is cheap tat. Interested to see how this develops.

  2. That was actually quite an entertaining read. Its 12 Day into the mew year. We wont get much news from any companies

    • The ‘mew year’?

      Chinese year of the cat? ;)

  3. I have very few feeds on my Feedly, thesixthaxis is one of them for this very reason, life is too short to read notnews, unless TC prepares it!

  4. One Direction…

    Where are the hacker when you need them…

    They need to target those walking shampoo commercials and bring them down!!!

    (I’m working on the assumption that they are robots with hackable firmware… and probably a connection to Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest and Quiff Fancier weekly)

  5. Maybe a weekly rumour roundup could be a regular thing?

    • Rumours – if worthwhile- will be posted.

  6. Cute headless chicken panic. There’s a mental image.

  7. The GTA thing did turn out to have some truth to it as they have now put the release date back. That’s not to say the rumour part was news of course, only the actual date annoucnement was, but that’s the one that got closest to being a thing.

Comments are now closed for this post.