We get a lot of press releases here at TSA Towers and as you might expect they are mostly for games. I say ‘mostly’ because occasional we get sent something completely random and that was the case last Monday when ‘Katie S’ sent an email informing us that today is National Sex Toy Day and included links to a selection of adult toys.
Now we can’t help Katie out by promoting her bedroom delights, but we can do the next best thing and celebrate some sex positive playthings that can be found in video games. Let’s go!
Grand Theft Auto San Andreas
This classic Grand Theft Auto game contains not one but two devices of pleasure, a dildo and a vibrator. However they are not located where you expect, the vibrator can be found in a skip in the north east corner of the map while the giant purple dildo is found in the showers of a police station. As you might expect, the main use for these is not to pleasure someone but to beat policemen to death.
Saints Row The Third
The Saints Row games are well known for their crude humour and seemingly copied the giant purple dildo from San Andreas. The Dildo Bat can be found within the game and once again it used to smack seven bells out of anyone you like. I’m starting to think game developers are unaware of how to correctly use a sex toy.
Dead Rising 3
Another rather silly open world game and yet another dildo weapon, or as the game rather coyly calls it, a “Super Massager”. At least this one has a little imagination and you need to find a weapon blueprint and craft the gun. You can now run around the game firing purple dildos in to zombies. Yes, purple dildos once more, clearly every developer in the world shops at that one sex store that only sells massive purple love rockets.
Cyberpunk 2077
CD Projeckt RED broke the mould when they created Cyberpunk 2077 as it does not feature once dildo, it has hundreds. When the game was released a bug in the algorithm for placing rubber ding-dongs in the game resulted in the Great Dildo Plague. Even when the bug was fixed people were finding schlongs in all sorts of locations, including stuck to the underside of a car.
CD Projekt RED explained why the game contains so many fake phalluses saying “Where something by today’s standards might be taboo or kinky is very normal and commonplace by 2077 standards.”
Note to CD Projeckt RED: Sex toys are not actually all that kinky or taboo.
The game includes an entire shop devoted to sexual pleasure with dildos, strap-ons, cock cages, butt plugs double ended dildos and even a fisting toy. I’m sure Katie will be happy about that. Sadly you can’t light some candles, take a nice bath and have some me time with your purchase, you can only smack people round the head with your Jeff Stryker.
And that, sadly is about it for digital dong delights. There are a couple of other titles that include dildos but only briefly: BDSM: Big Drunk Satanic Massacre features a My Little Pony using a dildo as a microphone and whilst not exactly a sex toy, Destroy All Humans has an Anal Probe. There’s also some more… experimental indie games, like You Are What You Eat, which uses a vibrator as a controller, while the upcoming Dead Pets Unleashed, which has a sex toy cleaning minigame, and then there’s game mods, of course.
It’s rather weird that you can see a racy shag-a-thon on BBC1 on a Sunday evening and yet video games fail miserably when it comes to sexy time. In mainstream gaming there is not a single sex positive incident involving a sex toy. Maybe 2023 will be the year when video game creators stop simply treating dildos as things to giggle at?
By the way, if there are any developers reading this may I suggest you read the usage instructions on you next sex toy. I am pretty sure the packing does not include the text “To be used to beat policeman to death”.
Nate
It’s strange that beating someone to death with a plastic willy is a more socially appropriate form of entertainment than using it for sex.