Life is full of important lessons, most of mine have come from video games…
- Sideways is the only way to drive around a bend.
- I can’t swim until I get my sequel.
- In my sequel there will be a convenient air-opportunity just before I drown.
- Never, under any circumstances, should I stand next to a stack of red barrels. Grey barrels are usually fine.
- If I murder people the police will be after me but laying low for a few minutes will make them give up and completely forget that a crime ever took place.
- When an enemy hears me they will look for me but as long as I stay thirty feet away they can’t see me. Even though I can still see, and hear, them.
- If I am about to encounter an enemy who can only be killed with a rocket launcher then I will trip over a rocket launcher in an adjacent room.
- I can rule the galaxy until I connect to the internet. Then a 13-year-old from Arkansas kicks my ass and calls me a “fag”. 13-year-olds from Arkansas are the worst kind of tough.
- Aliens all speak English.
- Things that I can pick up and keep are either shiny or they float in mid-air. I can carry more than the average Transit van.