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Opinion

Zombie Thursday: Mario

Zombies invade TSA in the first of a new weekly feature.

It’s Zombie Thursday, and you don’t know what that means. I suppose I’ll have to explain it to you, then. Thursday is now a day of zombies, or at least the day of an article about zombies from me. Every Thursday I’m going to release various zombies into a game of my (at least at first) choice and see what happens. Then I’m going to tell you about it. So, what world can we corrupt with legions of the undead first? Oh, I know – something I’ve always wanted to set zombies on just to make it slightly entertaining!

It was a normal day for Mario. Fixing sinks, jumping on sentient mushrooms, chasing massive kidnapping turtle-dragon-dinosaur things, just another repetitive, same-as-every-other game day in the world of Mario.

And then it happened. Just as Mario bounced on top of a particularly identical mushroom thing, a horde of something appeared. Mario ran away. He’s a plumber, not a Ghostbuster, and he had to check if Princess Peach had been kidnapped. Again. It was about the right time of day, after all.

As Mario ran, not having to worry about turning left or right due to being a 2D platformer, he remembered the last time he saw the Princess.

‘It’s-a me-a Mario!’

‘Yes Mario, I know it’s you.’ Replied Peach, presumably preparing to be kidnapped.

‘I see-a you-a not-a been-a kidnapped again-a yet-a?’

‘Well done you’re very perceptive.’ It wasn’t a very loving relationship. Mario would be wishing he’d told her he loved her in the threat of her being eaten by things, but that’s hard to think and mean it when she mysteriously gets kidnapped every day by a dinosaur-turtle hybrid that breathes fire. Besides, despite saving her more than nofi has saved TSA from server overloads (not that Mario knows what TSA is), Mario and Peach really aren’t compatible. In fact, the most compatible thing about them is that he persists in ‘saving her’, and that he makes loads of money. Because he’s a plumber. He’s also half of Peach’s height, which is useful for some things.

Mario arrived at the house where he’d left Peach preparing for today’s ‘kidnapping’. Today she was wearing a tight leather S&M outfit and a gimp mask. Mario thought nothing of it. He’s so in love he can forgive anything. Turns out Peach is a bitch.

‘It’s-a me-a Mario!’ Said Mario, urgently.

‘Shut up you fat pipe-twister.’ Snapped Peach, shoving a condom into her chest pocket. ‘Why are you in- woah, are they redeads?’

‘Re-whats?’

‘Uh. Nothing.’ Peach stared at the group of slowies proceeding towards them like the malpracticed patients of Dr. Mario reanimated and vengeful. She then closed the door. ‘Well, that’s that taken care of that.’

‘I’m-a not-a sure-a that’s-a gonna-a work. -a.’

‘It’s ok, Bow- I mean, you can take care of them.’

Mario straightened his back, his face set in a look of 2D determination, clenched his fists, unclenched them so he could open the door, clenched them again, and walked outside dramatically. Peach watched him go. He could defeat these things. It’s what he does – saving her from weird monsters. Like oddly fatal turtles.

As the slowies approached, in single file thanks to being in a 2D world, Mario limbered up (it’s rule number #18). The slowies approached like MPs with more character, not that Mario knows what Parliament is, but that’s besides the point. I’m narrating, not him.

Once the slowies were within distance, Mario made a mighty jump onto a zombie a few places back from the front, and was immediately devoured by various slowie mouths, though the zombie he landed on did die (hint: jumping on heads is not effective against a horde zombies, but it will defeat one on it’s own).

Suddenly, Princess Peach developed a backbone and picked up her umbrella. ‘I’ll help you Mario!’ She said, tears forming in her eyes as she realised that Mario was the one she loved all along (!). She ran through the still open door towards the zombies, opening the umbrella once she had cleared the door (it’s bad luck to open an umbrella inside) but, before she unleashed umbrella-based fury on the unsuspecting slowies, Bowser appeared, grabbed her, said ‘yoink!’ and flew off by rotating really quickly. Somehow.

The slowies overrun the house, destroying everything that Mario may have held dear: spanners, bits of pipes, golden stars. They even found his stash of mushrooms, which turned three slowies into super-slowies, which are just slowies but twice the size.

Turns out that not even the plumber and his moustache could defeat a zombie apocalypse.

What game world shall zombies invade next week? Make some suggestions in the comments below and maybe you’ll get to find out…

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