Meet the Reader: theberzerka

With your favourite nailed down, then, what’s the worst and most embarrassing game you’ve played? Any particularly pants games that you’ve played?

Time for the wishy-washy response now. I’m not really embarrassed by any games I’ve owned. Jackie Chan on the PS1 is a dodgy one I remember, or any of the countless rude games I played on the Amiga 1200. I think one was called Emmanuelle.

[drop]

The full title seems to be Emmanuelle: A Game of Eroticism…

Seeing screenshots of it now, with text saying, “These regular curves are just what it takes to inspire the true artist I am.” It sounds like a classic…

Yes. Good old floppy disks. Not so floppy once that was in the drive!

Haha. Well, they become quite rigid when you spin them fast enough…

Oh stop I’m getting flustered.

What are you looking forward to in the rest of this year’s gaming?

Max Payne 3. I loved that game and it best live up to my high expectations or it shall suffer the same fate as the first Kane and Lynch game.

Oh dear, what did you do to Kane and Lynch?

I took it back to Game and demanded my money back. When that didn’t work I sent my poor sister in to say it didn’t work. With the new sealed game I went back in and received my money back.

Cunning and guile wins the day. I thought you were going to have smashed it up with a sledgehammer, or something.

Using them as Frisbees works well. They really shatter if you throw them hard enough.

And when they shatter, all the pixie dust and magic burst out and makes the air very pretty.

Is it safe to breathe that stuff in? It makes my lungs itch.

The itching is there because magic is itchy. It means that you’ve got magical powers, until it stops itching.

Glad we’ve sorted that age-old question out.

No problem. I like to try and be helpful. How did you first come across TSA?

A friend introduced it to me. He was telling me about this awesome site that has all the information you could ever want without all the crap in-between. I got hooked fast and I’m always on.

Is your friend on TSA too? Or is he a lurker?

A lurker. He did sign up and he will be scanning through this.

So time to say some nice things about him?

No not at all. He won’t read it all. He’s one of those people that skips all tutorials in games because he’s impatient and then wonders why he has no idea what’s happening. He’s one of my best mates though so I put up with him.

“Skip to the end?”

I do like quoting Spaced.

Ha, yes, very much so. I was prepared for the inevitable Spaced quote.

Do I do it that often? I think I did last week…

Not too often. I think it’s still too fresh from last week.

Damn. Well, moving along. Do you have any favourite articles that you like to read?

Well it would be silly of me not to mention Saturday Showdown being as I was one of the supporters of getting that back. I enjoy the meet the readers and what we played is a voyeurs dream.

Ah yes, I think we actually credited you with one or two of the ideas in the revitalised format for Saturday Showdown. OK, now this question should be pretty easy. Have you enjoyed any of the competitions that we’ve run?

I thought that iPad competition was alright, I suppose. I don’t need to go into to much detail but you lot know full well that it made my year. That and the MS:A competition was a blast.

Well if you hadn’t enjoyed winning an iPad, we’d have sent Tuffcub around to sort you out.

I could have charmed him with my cross dressing ways.

Yeah, something like that.

What you think I don’t have the moves.

Haha. We’ve mentioned MS:A a couple times, and you’re often in the forums or setting up meets, so it’s appropriate to ask who you’ve got on well with in the community?

Well there’s you, I like your humour, very much on my wavelength. R1MJAW is a great guy too. Then an honourable mention to The Captain, MJB, Sitoromon, Crazy_Del and the various others that I’ve totally drawn a blank on. I have played with so many. It’s hard to list them all.

Who’s the little man’s favourite? Also, you’re very sweet… *blush*

The little man is particularly fond of you and Stuart (R1MJAW) but when asked who else, he would like to say everyone.

He’s very free with his liking of people. The light insults too, though.

Yes we’ve had to have the stranger danger talk with him numerous times. Followed by the ‘you can’t say that’ talk.

He sounds like a perfect fit for an Outnumbered sequel.

Yes he would be perfect. He’s all sorts of crazy!

Is it safe to say that most of your time away from gaming and TSA is pretty much dominated by him?

Oh, most of my TSA and gaming time is also dominated by him. When he’s not here it’s tidying the destruction he’s caused.

When was the last time you stepped onto one of his carelessly discarded toys?

About 5 minutes ago. Accompanied by the words fudge, sugar and ouch.

Lego is the worst for that.

One day humans will evolve feet with Lego circle holes in the bottom. That way, instead of pain, it’ll just slot in. We can then just walk around when it’s time to clean up Lego.

Awesome. Eventually you’d crack your head on doorframes as your 2 foot taller.

Ah, yes, but our skulls will also have evolved to compensate for low doorframes. We’ll have, like, boobs on our foreheads, I guess…

Your world sounds attractive.

Humans of the day will find it so, yeah.

Would we have to wear bras on our heads or would it be socially accepted by then to leave them exposed?

It’ll be like wearing hats. You can wear one if you want for fashion reasons. Particularly fruity ones (as in, covered in fruit) for when it’s ladies day at the Zedonk and Debra races.

There we go. I told you we could have another peak of crazy nonsense later on!

All I can think of is the three-breasted lady from Total Recall.

She was awesome. When you were younger didn’t you just think “Yup. That makes perfect sense to be sexy in a strange way…”

Of course! Who wouldn’t? One for each hand, and the middle boob for your face.

Exactly! OK, I think it’s about time to wrap this one up. So, the final question: Snog, Civil Partnership, Smother and Shark Attack the four podcast hosts Peter, Lewis, Kris and Kev?

Totally going to snog Kev, he’s so ruggedly handsome. Civil Partnership with none other than Peter and let him no that I’m not signing the pre-nuptial, I want half of everything.

I’m going to Smother Kris, only because his rhythmic body haunts my sleeping hours. Which leaves Lewis to fend off the Shark Attack.

Some very good answers there. Do you think Peter would make a good second daddy?

Yes he has the height to do an awesome aeroplane. That’s the one where you hold the child above your head and run about.

Yeah, and then the comedy attempt to run through a doorway with child on shoulders.

That’s probably why we’d divorce, due to him damaging my little man.

That’s what she said… No, that doesn’t quite work…. OK, we’re done! Do you have any final words for the readers that got to the end?

Well done on getting this far! I’d like to say that I’m proud to be part of such a wonderful community.

Harry (the little man) would also like to say, “You all stink, I don’t want to go to bed!” I couldn’t have put it better myself!

Thanks to theberzerka for doing the interview. He’s a lovely chap, isn’t he? Him and his son, both.