Alien Menace: Solved!

You know, when the aliens do eventually arrive in their massive ships, complete with devastatingly powerful technology and hyper-intelligent combat troops, I’m not going to be in the slightest bit concerned.

In fact, rather like Drake back in the day, I’ll finish up my game of Resistance first – good for target practice too, eh? – before saving the world.

I’m thoroughly confident of saving the world too, because after playing many Sci-Fi FPS games I’ve realised a few things that will stand me in good stead.

Despite the alien hordes having vast ships containing more troops than grains of sand on a beach, you’ll only ever encounter about four of them at once.  This will be especially noticeable when storming the Mothership, as instead of sending wave-after-wave of on-board troops, the enemy will make do with about twenty in total, and they’ll leave plenty of weapons and ammo lying around in case you run out.

Aliens, as you know, are pretty hardy creatures, given their ability to withstand multiple projectiles fired from hand-held weapons more powerful than a Nuke.  However, a cheeky slap with the butt end of your gun is enough to kill them on the spot.  Remember this if your trigger finger gets tired.

Your choice of weapon is also not as important as you will be led to believe.  Aliens are cunning and clever, but also hindered my some unfathomable mathematical science when building weapons that we humans cannot decipher.  Although certain weapons will no doubt dispatch the enemy somewhat quicker than others, they have compensated for this by reducing the amount of ammo these weapons contain.  The net result is that a full clip from any weapon is enough to kill the four enemies sent to destroy you.

Grenades are a different matter.  This is where aliens and humans have clearly surpassed themselves.  For example, take the Hedgehog grenade: You throw it, it detonates, stuff dies.  Now, contrast this with the Firey Gas grendade: You throw it, it detonates, stuff dies.  The more mundane explosive grenade: You throw it, it detonates, stuff dies.  It’s less a case of “Have I got a Hedgehog grenade for this bit?” and more likely “Have I got any of those Generic-Throwy-Detonatey-Killy ball things to chuck?”

Now, although I seem to be taking the enemy menace less seriously than you may consider sensible, I must point out that the alien slime does have one trick up its sleeve.  Big, big aliens with massive, massive guns that can only be killed by…*rolls eyes*…the handily discarded rocket-launcher you’ve miraculously just found.

Alright, alright there is actually one thing to worry about: The inivisible alien.  These are absolute little buggers, excecpt that in warning they make the ground shake and more noise than is, frankly, sensible.  In fact, their invisibility is clearly a hindrance as when the early warnings start you think, “If only the visible enemies gave me this much warning.”

That’s why I’m not concerned.  When the aliens arrive I’ll arm myself with a head-torch and a plastic pistol.  I’ll pinch one of their shuttles and arrive on-board the Mothership, before pistol-whipping all twenty enemies on my way to the command center – which will be deserted – where I will fathom the self-destruct sequence and be back at home before they know what’s happened.

Seriously, I’ve got it covered.

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