What If: Urg Argg!

This week’s what if is a little rushed for reasons that will soon become obvious. Before I get to those reasons lets backtrack and start from the beginning, as it’s a very good place to start. As you may have noticed in the past our microwave isn’t the most stable of devices. It’s broken down a few times in the past, and it’s origins are as mysterious as they are enigmatic. Alternatively it comes from Argos. Who can really say? Any way it’s a little known fact that I’m a recovering bread addict. I once ate several loaves – yes, seriously. It was around 3 baguettes, a few rolls and half of a normal loaf – after coming into college still drunk from the previous night, and ever since I’ve struggled with my passion for the delicious and versatile flour based substance. As such the TSA Towers kitchen not only contains the time traveling microwave – used to reheat chinese food the rest of the week – but a rather fine toaster as well. This morning, whilst taking a look over some Left 4 Dead 2 information, I suddenly felt the deep burning desire for some bread, and quickly headed to the kitchen to quickly cook up a few slices. As I placed the bread in the toaster the microwave caught my eye. A toaster cooks things, a microwave cooks things and does it quickly, surely combining two cooking things would result in super fast cooking and nigh on instant toasty goodness. As I smashed the glass to allow the toaster to be inside the microwave and plugged in, Gastos entered the kitchen for his morning biscuit hunt. Before he could stop me I popped my toast in, turned on the microwave and everything went dark.

Gastos’s Story

I awoke to find myself on the floor with a banging headache. If I’ve told Raen once, I’ve told him a thousand times; “don’t put the toaster in the microwave!” Honestly, it’s like looking after a two year old. The pink wafers that I had managed to grab before the cooking utensils exploded were now crushed in my hand. I sat up slowly and looked around. I was in the middle of a high street at an unknown location. There were cars on fire, uprooted lamp posts and shop windows had been smashed for as far as I could see. This didn’t faze me; after all, I did grow up in Portsmouth. What did faze me however were the 10 or so people moving slowly toward me with their arms outstretched and covered in blood. It wasn’t long before I could hear their non-sensical moaning. I’ve seen enough films and played enough games to know that these weren’t your average citizens; they were Zombies. I jumped to my feet in a panic and looked for Raen, but he was nowhere to be seen. The undead were getting closer. I had to move.

With the Zombies coming toward me from the south, I instinctively headed north, all the while calling out for Raen. My shouting probably wasn’t the best idea as I heard a shuffling noise from very close by. I turned my head and noticed that a Zombie had emerged from a telephone box and was inches away from grabbing my shoulder. I ducked and spotted a massive shard of glass nearby. I picked it up and plunged it deep into the Zombie’s temple. Its eyes rolled back into its head and blood began spurting from the wound that I had just inflicted. It dropped to its knees and fell forward. If this were a game I would be shouting “decapitate,” so I took my own advice and jumped on its head. As I soaked up the adrenaline that had began coursing through my body, I noticed a familiar logo on a leaflet that was trapped under the Zombie’s lifeless carcase; not that there was life in it before but you get the gist. I prodded the Zombie to ensure it was actually defeated before I bent down to pick up the leaflet.

LEFT 4 DEAD 2: Launch Event
Come and get your bloodied hands on the latest game for XBox 360.
Now only £1.99 (thanks ASDA!) from GAME.
Your nearest GAME store is in the other direction.

This had to be where Raen and I were headed before he decided to put a toasting device in our ultra-sensitive time travelling Micowave. I turned to face the high street from which I had been running. News of my presence had spread as the number of Zombies had tripled. I had to get to that launch event; surely that’s where Raen was headed too? If I was going to survive, I would need weapons of some kind. A flicker of light caught my eye and I looked to my left to see what it was. A shop’s sign was flickering. It read: Lots Of Sharp Things – Hardware Store.

I couldn’t believe my luck. I dashed into the store and grabbed everything that I could possibly carry, including a pick-axe, a sledgehammer, a chainsaw and a box of drawing pins. I limped out of the shop and realised that I may have overloaded on the weaponry. Luckily, as I stepped out onto the street, I noticed a fairly intact car with the keys still in the ignition. I leant in through the shattered window, turned the keys and the engine started up without a hitch. I opened the door, threw the tools onto the passenger seat and got in. The crowd of Zombies were inching their way closer. I cautiously pulled away and headed down to the high street. As I did so, I noticed that the hoard of undead were parting to allow another group of blood-thirsty critters through. They weren’t particularly different looking but they quickly made their uniqueness apparent. In one, uniformed motion, they began running toward me. I’m not ashamed to say that at this point, I may have soiled myself. They ran with all their might and boy were they fast. I decided to call these ones ‘Zoombies’. I did the only thing I could…I hit the accelerator.

Raen’s Story

I awoke, my shoulders aching, the toaster and microwave lying by me battered but some how still looking workable. Gastos’s words from long ago floated back to me.

“If you combine the toaster and microwave you cause instabilities in the local gravity field leading to micro-white holes forming, forcing open hyper-vibrating closed loops strings at the quantum level and causing local instability in the higher dimensions and moving any matter in the local area to a different point on multi-dimensional hyperplane.”

Ah, they were such comforting words. I tried to sit up and get my bearings, but as my mind slowly cleared I realised something heavy was resting across my chest. After a moment I managed to push it away, then looked down to see a rotting corpse with it’s head very distinctly missing. I did the only thing I could, screamed and passed out. When I woke up a few minutes later hyperventilating slightly, I shakily got to my feet and looked around me. A city largely in ruins around me, a corpse at my feet and seemingly dozens of other corpses – some rotted, some looking more human – in the surrounding area. Aside from a few minor scrapes and bruises I was surprisingly intact. My face itched a little though.

“So this is why you shouldn’t dimension jump.” I said to burning city, before catching sight of a single corpse shuffling towards me. One double take later I shoved the toaster into the microwave, grabbed it and turned to run, slammed into a park car and set off the car alarm. Apparently it happens outside of games as well. Suddenly a hoard of the shuffling corpses appeared, flooding towards me. I really hate zombies. I took my only option and ran, running for my life for the first time ever. My heart was pounding in my chest, way louder than I’d expected, and my legs burned, but I carreid on till finally my body forced me to stop a cross-roads, my lungs desperately sucking air. Behind me zombies. To the left zombies. To the right… a shopping centre by the look of it. That’s what I wanted, shopping centres seem a good location during a zombie apocalypse, and several posters seemed to be advertising the Left 4 Dead 2 launch. Perfect. My legs and lungs still bruning I headed for the centre, the sound of my heart pounding in my ears drowning out most of the surrounding area.

I stumbled, ran, crawled and walked towards the centre, my vision starting to blur, my heart still pounidng. And my face was itching a lot more than it had been before, a mirror would have been good. So itchy.

Moving slowly towards the shopping centre, my legs barely wanting to move, I saw a zombie group surrounding the doors. No way through. A small alcove to the left where I could hide and rest. Seemed a good idea, so I sit there now as I write this. The zombeis seem to be leaving me alone now, but my heart won’t stop pounding I’m sure the shopping centre is coming nearer and moving further away. Nothing to do but wait for an opening. Itchy face still. Hope i’ll be ok. Some how still have the microwave and toaster.


The car sped toward the crowd and it wasn’t long before I heard the thud of Zombie after Zombie crashing into the car. I heard bones crack, I felt flesh squish under the tyres and the windscreen had become covered in blood and brain matter. I could just about make out the shape of the Town Center’s water feature through the now-crimson glass. But it was too late to react. The car smashed into the fountain and went flying into the air and rolled. It came crashing down to Earth and skidded down the road on its roof. Despite a few cuts, I was surprisingly unharmed but the unmistakable smell of petrol was worrying me. I clambered out of the vehicle, ran around to the other side to grab my tools and legged it. The car exploded and as I ducked to shield myself, I noticed singed limbs fly past. The smell was…unpleasant. I picked myself up off the floor and, just ahead of me, there was GAME.


No idea how long it’s been, but I’ve found Gaaaaastos. He came flying in with a cra. Zombies scattered, going to try and make a run for it and find him. Still a hoard round GAME, but not sure it’s zombeis. Hungry and ithy. Going to find Gastos. He had a chanisaw. Good.


The door to the games retailer was closed but there was a wild mob pawing at the glass. They didn’t seem so bothered about me; they were going crazy for Left 4 Dead 2. The crowd behind me was a different story, however. I ditched the axe, hammer and drawing pins in favour of the Chainsaw. I started it up and its loud revving attracted the attention of the game-crazy mob too. Bad mistake. I ran as fast I could whilst waving the chainsaw around in a random fashion. It wasn’t long before I began to feel the blood spatter my face. I was going to make it. I was about to smash through the shop’s window when all of a sudden, I noticed a familiar face; it was Raen. I grabbed him by the arm and pulled him from the crowd, but, as I turned to talk to him, I noticed a massive bite mark on his face and his eyes were a funny colour. There was only one thing I could do. I lifted the chainsaw high above my head…