The Pessimist: Killzone 2

Back when Peter was at the helm he actively encouraged our community to send in their own thoughts and blogs for our Guest Writer series.  And, because of this, we sacked him.  Seriously, who wants to read the drivel that you guys come up with?  It’s bad enough writing the drivel I come up with, never mind having to read your nonsense too.  Anyway, after a bit of persuasion involving being pulled by bitches*, I relented and sought out a writer who could turn convention on its head and tell us what the best games were really like.  And so, Dexter17 is back.  Having already contributed to the site with his rather pessimistic view of Batman: Arkham Asylum and LittleBigPlanet, he sent in the following tongue-in-cheek view of Killzone 2.  It also contains spoilers, so proceed with caution.

Please note that the following satirical blog does not represent the opinion of TheSixthAxis, who generally think Killzone 2 is utterly fab and continue to support Killzone 2 with our world-beating Clan and regular competitions, features and articles.  It’s also not really the opinion of Dexter17 either – he loves it really.  We’re sorry about this disclaimer, we’re optimistic you don’t really need it.

* on a sled, pulled by Huskies – you lot are dirty minded, I tell you…

The Pessimist: Killzone 2

Warning: contains spoilers.

When you first insert Killzone 2 into your disk-drive, you really do wonder what you have let yourself in for. Have you brought home a game that will scare the living daylights out of you? Have you brought home a game that will thrill and amaze you with its technologies? No, you have brought home neither. You have brought home an absolute mess of a game that doesn’t even deserve a place in the bargain bin.

But what makes Killzone 2 so abominably bad? Well, for a start, Killzone 2 forces you to sit through a hundred line speech before you have even pressed a single button. To be fair, the speech does include some pretty nifty one-liners, but I just want to play the game, not listen to some old bloke ramble on about his midlife crisis.

So when you have eventually managed to work your way through the humungous opening speech, what are you left with? You are a guy called Sev, a member of a human army who are about to attack the alien planet of Helghan. To be honest, it’s not the best decision that they could have made considering that Helghan is equipped with some quite nasty-looking blue lasers, but there you go. As soon as you enter the Helghan airspace, everything descends into pure chaos as your spaceships start getting shot out of the sky. This action sequence attempts to draw you in and surprise you, but it fails on both accounts, because we have simply seen it all before.

A lot has also already been said about the “amazing” and “jaw-dropping” graphics of Killzone 2. Really, what are these people on about? Everything on Helghan is made up of a solid brown texture, and when I say everything, I literally mean everything. The buildings, the guns, and the enemies are all covered by a brownish haze that would not look out of place in an American sepia-tinted film. I’m not expecting Joseph and his Technicolor Dreamcoat to turn up but at least some sort of colour would not have gone amiss.

If by some slim chance you still feel tempted to buy this game, let me cast even more doubt into your mind by having a good look at the final boss battle. Guerrilla Games have single-handedly crafted the most annoying and tedious boss battle in the history of videogames. You are faced against Radec, a Helghast commander who is attempting to protect his ruler, Visari. This sounds all well and good, but when you eventually notice that Radec has the ability to teleport wherever he wishes, you know that you are in for one hell of a bumpy ride. Find him, shoot him, find him, and shoot him again. 371 tries later, you might just be able to manage it.

After several painful hours of endless playing, you have finally reached Visari’s throne, and you are getting yourself prepared for one of the most epic endings that man has ever known. Well, if I were you, I’d stop getting prepared, because the ending of Killzone 2 makes the whole game effectively pointless. One of your angry buddies kills Visari, following another one of his infamous speeches. Visari explains that his Armies will come and avenge his death, so, sensing the worst, Sev goes outside and spots several Helghast ships converging on his position.

At this moment, you are psyching yourself up for one heck of a finale. How will it end? Will you have to snipe some Helghast on the roof ahead, and get picked up at an extraction point, or will you have to board a Helghast ship and take it down? All these questions are whirling around your head when the screen suddenly goes blank. You stay alert, and wait for some Helghast to begin shooting at you. But the gunfire never comes. Then, without any warning at all, the final credits roll. That, my friends, is what you call an underwhelming ending.

Come to think of it, there are no valid reasons to buy Killzone 2. If you are a fan of brown and boring games, I don’t suppose that you could possibly go wrong with this, but to everyone else, I’d recommend that you steer clear. Your brain, and your wallet, will breathe a grateful sigh of relief.