Gaming’s Eye Candy – The Flipside
Tuffcub's 'alternative' edition.Published 13/11/2009 at 8:00 by Tuffcub
Breasts. Norks. Mammeries. Flumps. Bristols. Dumplings. Melons. Bosoms. Eartha Kitts. Dairy Pillows. Dalek Bumps. Breasticles. Games are obsessed with boobies – case point, the game that allows you to jiggle a characters lady bumps by waggling the sixaxis. 71% of UK females play games and over a third of the time played on consoles per week is logged by females.
General agreed statistics are that about one in ten men are gay so I make that *taps calculator* around 40% of UK gamers per week who have bugger all interest in the size of Lara Crofts latest silicon enhancements.
That’s a stupendous figure so why is the internet awash with pictures of semi naked pixel porn from Dead or Alive and Bayonetta but not a hint of man totty? Where are the pictures of Nathan Drake in extremely small blue Speedos emerging from the sea? Let us address the balance with some perving over the XY chromosomes of gaming.
Note to straight men: Reading and commenting on this attempt at satire will not make you gay.
Drake from Uncharted: Ruggedly handsome, athletic, witty and from what I can gather from Uncharted 2, sleeps around a lot. What’s not to like?
Mario from Nintendo: Earns his place in this list just because he has a nifty trick of enlarging his whole body to the size of a house and that means his mushrooms are the size of tree trunks.
Sev from Killzone 2: According to Wikipedia, Sev is only 25 but he looks much older to me. Wins his place in the list for not having a no.1 crop haircut like every other generic game character.
Zevran the Assassin from Dragon Age: Origins: Like many games characters he’s a muscle bound hunk and this one has flowing blonde hair. Those of you who you bought Dragon Age: Orgins may know this character, but what you may not know is that you can shag his brains out. Yes, full on, graphic, sweaty mansex in a game. Unfortunately Bioware have taken realism to an unwanted level and if Zevran falls in love with you, the sex stops. Bloody typical.
Dante from Devil May Cry: He may be a bit of a fop but he has excellent taste in clothes and is a bit of a ladies man.
Zangief from StreetFighter: Gaming’s only big gay bear. The term ‘Bear’ (and Cub *ahem*) is used in gay culture to represent the opposite of the usual stereotypical gay man – in other words they’re usual big, bearded, furry and a butch as opposed to blonde, skinny and wetter than Dale Winton in a thunderstorm. Designed by two young men, Zangief represents the Japanese “ideal” gay character purely because due to genetics, most Japanese gay men are small and lacking in body hair.
Under his character profile dislikes, Zangief lists “Projectiles and young, beautiful women” and is seen posing in front of a broken mirror with a picture of Vega taped to it and the word, “baka”, meaning fool or idiot (in Japanese), scrawled on it. Look more closely and you will also see that he has drawn a heart on the picture. Strangely, all references to Zangief liking a bit of bum fun have been completely removed from American editions of the Streetfighter series.
Eddie Riggs from Brutal Legend: The banter of Jack Black encased in the bulging muscles of a leather clad roadie. Good with his hands, the choice for those who like ‘a bit of rough’.
Ratchet from Ratchet & Clank: included for those who enjoy yiffing.
Chuck Lidell from UFC Undisputed : Combines cute face (When he’s smiling at least) with muscles plus he’s none too smart. Nice tattoos and the fact that he barely wears clothes most of the time makes Chuck perfect eye candy.
Old Snake from Metal Gear Solid 4: Buns of steel. That’s all that needs to be said.
Comments
Please note that all comments are the opinion of the individual author and not TheSixthAxis.
cc_star | 13/11/2009 08:04
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Fantastic, proper lols.
w3r3w0lf | 13/11/2009 08:12
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LOL, never thought I’d see “yiffing” mentioned on a gaming site.
mynameisblair | 13/11/2009 08:13
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That was brilliant!
(not in that way)
Loved the Ratchet one
hazelam | 13/11/2009 08:37
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you’re discounting lesbians in those figures?
there are plenty of lesbian gamers, we even have our own site.
Tuffcub | 13/11/2009 09:13
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Damnit! I was hoping no one would notice the obvious flaw in my calculations. Just be quiet no one will notice.. Shh.
Aitrus | 13/11/2009 09:47
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Yeah, something’s wrong with the maths. If 10% of males are gay and 70% of gamers are male, that would lead to 7% gay male gamers. If the gay ratio is tha same for women (10%), that would lead to 3% lesbian gamers – who I assume like the digital boobies as much as I do:)
That sums up to 34% of gamers not being interested in the jiggling female body parts but in the rock hard examples given by TC.
That was more geeky than I care to admit…ehm, LOL Tuffcub, nice list!
Tuffcub | 13/11/2009 10:25
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Well obviously you are not factoring the number of conversions resulting from reading this post (See commment a bit lower down)
Aitrus | 13/11/2009 11:03
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But, but… you PROMISED that wouldn’t happen!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RqkpWuQaE64
dirtyhabit | 13/11/2009 08:44
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I thought being small and hairless was normal for the japanese, not just exclusive to GAY japanese !?
Plus I think Link is kinda cute
dirtyhabit | 13/11/2009 08:45
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I think its the short smock and tights
Doddsy | 13/11/2009 09:02
Totally Oscar Mike
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*yiff yiff*
Tuffcub’s such a dude
toutski | 13/11/2009 09:40
Legend
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Ha ha great stuff.
*scurries off to Google to find out what ‘yiffing’ is…
Tuffcub | 13/11/2009 09:45
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DONT!!! .. oh too late.
Star_Waters | 13/11/2009 09:49
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i think i heard that once on CSI it was about loads of people dressing up and having an orgy or something along those lines
w3r3w0lf | 13/11/2009 10:11
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yep, thats where i first heard of it as well
hazelam | 14/11/2009 16:52
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i remember that episode, they keep their costumes on apparently.
BlingOnMyWrist | 13/11/2009 20:53
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I did the same.
upselo | 13/11/2009 09:48
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I actually have a gay whose primary interest in Uncharted was Drake’s lower back ^^.
upselo | 13/11/2009 09:48
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*gay friend
kevatron400 | 13/11/2009 09:52
Don't call him Kevatron400.
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Haha classic typo!
Bladesteel | 13/11/2009 16:24
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http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Freudian_slip
bully1990 | 13/11/2009 09:59
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TC lied. I read this and have now turned gay!
eirekun | 13/11/2009 10:35
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There was that bit in UC2 when Nathan approves of Sully’s behind & also that part when he didn’t know where to put his hands in the hotel room. Alas, Elena’s charms are too much to resist & frankly if the choice is Sully or Elena, I’d pick Elena too.
BadBoyBoogie | 13/11/2009 10:44
Let There Be Rock
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Nathan Drake is my hero!!!
TctclMvPhase | 13/11/2009 10:50
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What about Salem and Rios?!
I mean theyre hot in a way thats like not hot like a girl but like in a cool sort of awesome guy kind of way. Theyre like the kind of guys you can just hang out with and go to the gym and just hang out talking about eachothers pectorals and maybe kill some terrorists and stuff but its not like a gay thing because theyre just really cool guys with nice hair, great taste in body armor and a rugged mystique that just begs for you to learn more about them.
* I didnt know that about Zangief, I actually have the American comics and I guess they removed it from there as well.
nofi | 13/11/2009 10:53
Wants a custom tag.
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“talking about each others pectorals”
“its not like a gay thing”
Sure. =)
Tuffcub | 13/11/2009 11:08
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Going to gym, complimenting each others physiques, having great hair, dressing well and being really cool. I think you missed out “unhealthy obession with Cher” as the final defination of being totally straight. Right, youll have to excuse me I’ve only got five days before I meet Nofi and I havent even started picking out what I’m going to wear.. PANIC!
Gastos84 | 13/11/2009 11:01
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LOL Nice one TC.
Ratchet – I definitely would…erm….lol =)
Tuffcub | 13/11/2009 11:12
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I knew someone was in to that sort of thing. Dirty boy.
Gastos84 | 13/11/2009 11:13
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You can’t be too picky in this day and age
Tuffcub | 13/11/2009 17:13
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Well you can’t anyway..
shields_t | 13/11/2009 11:47
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Dalek Bumps……
I nearly just spat my coffee all over my keyboard.
Tuffcub | 13/11/2009 12:22
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Taken from the brilliant Comic Relief Doc Who sketch – http://video.google.co.uk/videosearch?source=ig&hl=en&rlz=&q=curse+of+the+fatal+death&lr=&um=1&ie=UTF-8&ei=UE_9Ss-APIrr-Aap4ZTsCg&sa=X&oi=video_result_group&ct=title&resnum=4&ved=0CCIQqwQwAw#
shields_t | 13/11/2009 12:58
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Class.
hazelam | 14/11/2009 17:23
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i remember that exact gag about going back in time to set up a trap from bill and ted’s bogus journey.
fiffyfu | 13/11/2009 12:14
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Haha this is a brilliant post, just the other day me and my house mate was admiring Mr Drake and his rugged good looks, i wont mention quite what they said (mainly because this isnt that sort of site lol) but needless to say i agreed.
Also id like to add kilik from soul caliber, i always thought he was quite nice with his floppy hair although my taste in men has changed a bit since the days of the dreamcast lol
Tuffcub | 13/11/2009 17:12
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Prefer them in hi-def with nicer pixels?
fiffyfu | 14/11/2009 17:02
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I wouldn’t mind a real one to be honest but for now HD certainly helps lol