The Pessimist: Killzone 2
Was it really that good?Published 13/12/2009 at 10:00 by Michael
GW: Final Fantasy’s Best Bits [53]
GW: The Wrong Direction? [23]
GW: Challenge Me Softly [13]
Back when Peter was at the helm he actively encouraged our community to send in their own thoughts and blogs for our Guest Writer series. And, because of this, we sacked him. Seriously, who wants to read the drivel that you guys come up with? It’s bad enough writing the drivel I come up with, never mind having to read your nonsense too. Anyway, after a bit of persuasion involving being pulled by bitches*, I relented and sought out a writer who could turn convention on its head and tell us what the best games were really like. And so, Dexter17 is back. Having already contributed to the site with his rather pessimistic view of Batman: Arkham Asylum and LittleBigPlanet, he sent in the following tongue-in-cheek view of Killzone 2. It also contains spoilers, so proceed with caution.
Please note that the following satirical blog does not represent the opinion of TheSixthAxis, who generally think Killzone 2 is utterly fab and continue to support Killzone 2 with our world-beating Clan and regular competitions, features and articles. It’s also not really the opinion of Dexter17 either – he loves it really. We’re sorry about this disclaimer, we’re optimistic you don’t really need it.
* on a sled, pulled by Huskies – you lot are dirty minded, I tell you…
The Pessimist: Killzone 2
Warning: contains spoilers.
When you first insert Killzone 2 into your disk-drive, you really do wonder what you have let yourself in for. Have you brought home a game that will scare the living daylights out of you? Have you brought home a game that will thrill and amaze you with its technologies? No, you have brought home neither. You have brought home an absolute mess of a game that doesn’t even deserve a place in the bargain bin.
But what makes Killzone 2 so abominably bad? Well, for a start, Killzone 2 forces you to sit through a hundred line speech before you have even pressed a single button. To be fair, the speech does include some pretty nifty one-liners, but I just want to play the game, not listen to some old bloke ramble on about his midlife crisis.
So when you have eventually managed to work your way through the humungous opening speech, what are you left with? You are a guy called Sev, a member of a human army who are about to attack the alien planet of Helghan. To be honest, it’s not the best decision that they could have made considering that Helghan is equipped with some quite nasty-looking blue lasers, but there you go. As soon as you enter the Helghan airspace, everything descends into pure chaos as your spaceships start getting shot out of the sky. This action sequence attempts to draw you in and surprise you, but it fails on both accounts, because we have simply seen it all before.
A lot has also already been said about the “amazing” and “jaw-dropping” graphics of Killzone 2. Really, what are these people on about? Everything on Helghan is made up of a solid brown texture, and when I say everything, I literally mean everything. The buildings, the guns, and the enemies are all covered by a brownish haze that would not look out of place in an American sepia-tinted film. I’m not expecting Joseph and his Technicolor Dreamcoat to turn up but at least some sort of colour would not have gone amiss.
If by some slim chance you still feel tempted to buy this game, let me cast even more doubt into your mind by having a good look at the final boss battle. Guerrilla Games have single-handedly crafted the most annoying and tedious boss battle in the history of videogames. You are faced against Radec, a Helghast commander who is attempting to protect his ruler, Visari. This sounds all well and good, but when you eventually notice that Radec has the ability to teleport wherever he wishes, you know that you are in for one hell of a bumpy ride. Find him, shoot him, find him, and shoot him again. 371 tries later, you might just be able to manage it.
After several painful hours of endless playing, you have finally reached Visari’s throne, and you are getting yourself prepared for one of the most epic endings that man has ever known. Well, if I were you, I’d stop getting prepared, because the ending of Killzone 2 makes the whole game effectively pointless. One of your angry buddies kills Visari, following another one of his infamous speeches. Visari explains that his Armies will come and avenge his death, so, sensing the worst, Sev goes outside and spots several Helghast ships converging on his position.
At this moment, you are psyching yourself up for one heck of a finale. How will it end? Will you have to snipe some Helghast on the roof ahead, and get picked up at an extraction point, or will you have to board a Helghast ship and take it down? All these questions are whirling around your head when the screen suddenly goes blank. You stay alert, and wait for some Helghast to begin shooting at you. But the gunfire never comes. Then, without any warning at all, the final credits roll. That, my friends, is what you call an underwhelming ending.
Come to think of it, there are no valid reasons to buy Killzone 2. If you are a fan of brown and boring games, I don’t suppose that you could possibly go wrong with this, but to everyone else, I’d recommend that you steer clear. Your brain, and your wallet, will breathe a grateful sigh of relief.
Dexter17
Comments
Please note that all comments are the opinion of the individual author and not TheSixthAxis.
seedaripper1973 | 11/12/2009 09:10
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Well, considering i haven’t completed it yet…thank you very much monsieur spoiler!
/sarcasm…
Ryan1991 | 11/12/2009 09:17
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I haven’t completed it either but I’ve been told that the ending was OK but just that. Blatently left open for a third. And someone on TSA (can’t remember who) spotted eye colours on Visari which gives the game a plausible explaination if Visari is in KZ3.
hairfreax | 11/12/2009 09:35
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I havent finished it either. Thanks. Now to spoil your fun in sixth sense the boy is a ghost Ha
Snoopy_92 | 13/12/2009 12:58
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its not the boy who is a ghost, its bruce willis, get it right haha
Severn2j | 11/12/2009 09:17
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I quite liked the ending.. Why does everything need to be resolved and all tie up neatly? That never happens in real life, so why expect it here? Killzone 2’s pliot got a lot of flak generally, but I really didnt think it was that bad (okay, Rico was an arse and it probably would’ve saved a lot of grief if they’d just shot him at the start), but it still way better than some FPS plots..
Severn2j | 11/12/2009 09:18
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pliot? er, plot even..
ytevo79 | 11/12/2009 09:19
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*wipes away a tear, or two*
My Killzone how can you say that about it! XD a very nice take on it
Ending aside it was an epic game tho! Two playthroughs totaling 21 hours – 10 days total playing online me loves my Killzone 2 and i’m dying for some more next year 
Shadow0410 | 11/12/2009 09:19
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I am sorry but Killzone 2 wasn’t THAT bad, the ending was a bit underwhealing for sure, the graphics are a bit dull but on the other hand that fits the feel they were going for don’t forget Helghan is supposed to be a poluted planet of industry and it gets that point across very well IMO. The main poor visuals I saw in the game were the flame thrower which looked pathetic and the healing gun the blue thin beam just looked odd and out of place.
I wouldn’t say KZ2 is the best game ever made but still you have to give credit where it’s due on the higher difficulty levels it was a real challenge and for me on the first play through I found it very fun but I do enjoy story driven single player games alot like I still enjoy MGS4’s single player.
ManeoriX | 13/12/2009 12:41
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Oh snap!
AddictedAndy | 11/12/2009 09:21
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LOL! Brilliant read!
FRUIT0FDOOM | 11/12/2009 09:30
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Ouch. Well it is your opinion and we are all to respect that
……but:
The graphics are amazing. Sure, it is full of brown and grey, much like MGS4 and the over use of Blue/grey in Halo. But have you ever seen footage of war on TV? It is pretty “muddy” and dull my friend and that I believe makes Killzone all the more splendid. I want a gritty first person shooter not a bag of skittels on screen game like Mario.
Look past the “browns” and you will see fantastic textures, great particles and some truly neat lighting effects. MGS4 is “dull” but is also a damn fine looking game. So my opinion is that it is one of (if not the) best looking console games to date.
As for the boss battle – sure it was a challenge but that is what i buy games for – challenges. If Radec was like all the other Helghast then one to the head would have been all that was required and that would be boring. As with all other boss battles – once you figure the way to beat him you will beat him everytime.
The ending? Was fine and has me waiting for the next one. Rather than it end and me think “oh, so that’s Killzone 2. What the hell are they going to do for the third one?” it has me pondering all sorts of options / paths that the third could take.
So anyone after a “challenging” FPS with a good story as far as FPS games go and stunning visuals, not to mention the best online shooter for those who like to engage more than two brain cells in a game, then this is for you. Now at the bargain price of £20 and with TSA clan support over in the forums – you’ll struggle to find a better shooter on any console.
end of
Vandix | 11/12/2009 10:00
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Couldn’t have said it better myself… Agreed on all points.
mpb1955 | 13/12/2009 11:48
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Me too.
Best FPS by far.
spooferbarnabas | 13/12/2009 12:37
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Exactly, well said.
Well written article though.
ManeoriX | 13/12/2009 12:41
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Whilst all that is true, I think you’ve lost the plot somewhere O.O
mynameisblair | 13/12/2009 12:57
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It is not his opinion, it is written in a fake persona of a pessimist, like a monologue.
If I wrote a poem/dramatic monologue from the view of a serial killer like many poets do, that would not make me a killer, would it?
sesameseed | 11/12/2009 09:31
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Are some people missing the “tongue in cheek” bit at the top? A good read, and a good game!
nofi | 11/12/2009 09:47
Wants a custom tag.
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apparently so… :-S
seedaripper1973 | 11/12/2009 09:52
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cheers for adding in the spoiler warning now nofi, you sly ol’ dog you
(and bolding ‘tongue in cheek’)
pOOpInFlames | 11/12/2009 09:38
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Tongue in cheek or not…just a bunch of bs in my opinion. What Fruit said made sence however.
Dexter17 | 13/12/2009 10:27
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It’s a bit of FUN.
Bilbo_bobbins | 14/12/2009 13:01
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the tongue in cheek bit obviously isn’t getting through lol
Roynaldo | 11/12/2009 09:47
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If you feel this way about KZ id love to hear your take on MW2. This is no tongue in cheek write up….its more fist and fury.
Many people had issues with the campaign, but when you look at MW2 and Resistance it really isnt that bad. Besides that, there is a whole MP system that has gone unmentioned here which by far outweighs anything bad that can be said about the game.
While you have a right to an opinion, valid or not, I would like to formely say that i disagree whole heartedly.
Dexter17 | 13/12/2009 10:32
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I don’t feel this way about Killzone 2. I was trying to provide an alternate opinion.
I can appreciate that my other articles may have been slightly more tongue-in-cheek, but as I said in another comment, this is just a bit of harmless fun.
Oh, and I’ll make sure I do Modern Warfare 2 sometime in the future!
jtuck | 14/12/2009 11:55
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Is this an alternative opinion or is it supposed to be funny?
If it’s an alternative opinion then labelling the graphics as bad because they’re brown doesn’t really cut it. Any more to add? Brown? That’s it? The Mona Lisa is brown – does that make it a bad painting? I realise that it’s quite hard to fault KZ graphics, because they are pretty good. So if you are deliberately trying to find issue with the game, probably best to omit the graphics section.
If you were looking to find fault with a Bugatti Veyron. It looks a little silly calling it a slow car. Bring up how it only has 2 seats or doesn’t have enough boot space or something. Slow it isn’t.
But then if you’re attempting humour you could go for the graphics, but you need to stick in some amusing similies or observations or witicisms or something.
Brown textures look … wait for it … muddy! I’m sorry, but that is poor.
“…some old bloke ramble on about his midlife crisis.” OK, that’s more like it, but one or two mildly amusing lines in a long diatribe doesn’t cut it as humour.
Look at paragraph 3. No humour in it … at all.
Essentially you’ve steered a middle ground, neither particularly funny and not constructive critisim either, and ultimately this piece fails as a result.
Dexter17 | 14/12/2009 16:49
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When writing humour for a site as big as TSA, you can’t really accomodate for everybodies taste.
jtuck | 15/12/2009 10:46
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You can’t accommodate for everyone’s tastes. That’s right.
And the mistake you’ve made is in trying to do that. You’ve steered a middle course, neither full criticism nor full humour and as a result you’ve dilluted the piece so it doesn’t stand out in any area.
It’s kind of a wishy-washy shapeless meaningless blob of writing. It’s not a critic. It’s not funny. It’s not a full out rant.
The best advice I was given is to choose what type of piece you would want to read as a reader and stick to it.
You can’t please everyone … so don’t try to. Pick your audience and target them specifically. The ones that don’t like your style will move on. The ones that love it will respect you for it.
If you’re subversively mocking fanboys – make your piece a full out rant.
If you’re going for humour, pepper the piece with amusing observations and punchlines.
makibah | 15/12/2009 10:59
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…or he could just write the article he wanted to write and not worry about stupid media designated target audience. This isn’t about a sale it’s about opinion
toutski | 11/12/2009 09:51
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Maybe Dexter17 needs a theme tune like CB’s before people realise its a joke…
Deathbrin | 11/12/2009 09:55
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So you think TSA Killzone 2 clan is pointless and people are just torturing themselves?
toutski | 11/12/2009 09:59
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No
Ryan1991 | 11/12/2009 10:00
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I’d ignore most of these comments Dexter. I love Killzone and thought it was a good article.
hazelam | 11/12/2009 10:03
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they say a pessimist is what an optimist calls a realist.
everybodysinging | 11/12/2009 10:04
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Killzone 2 in my opinion was epic. Except the ending.
Raen | 11/12/2009 10:09
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I thought it was pretty funny. It’s clearly not a serious take of the game, or any sort of review.
nofi | 11/12/2009 10:10
Wants a custom tag.
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Absolutely, as his previous takes on Batman and LBP show. Obviously should have been posted in the afternoon, though, once people have had their coffee…
Raen | 11/12/2009 10:14
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I wish I’d had coffee today *sob* I just read it as a script for one of CB’s rants, made it seem a lot funnier
Ryan1991 | 11/12/2009 10:15
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I thought that B:AA and LBP were more tongue in cheek though as they had more piss take comments. I still thought that this was a good article though and it had me laughing.
Raen | 11/12/2009 10:26
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If it had you laughing then that’s all that’s needed