TSA Advent Day 22: The Console Nativity
With apologies to the Baby Jesus.Published 22/12/2009 at 10:30 by Tuffcub
TSA Advent Calendar: Day 7 [19]
TSA Advent Calendar: Day 5 [25]
TSA Advent Calendar: Day 4 [20]
Our tale begins over two thousand years ago on the outskirts of the town on Bethlehem It is night time, the stars are shining and a lowly carpenter Captain Of The Spartan Army and his virgin bride are travelling towards the city.
Kratos: You’re a virgin?
Bayonetta: Yes.
Kratos: Seriously?
Bayonetta: What makes you think I might be even slightly slutty?
Kratos: I wear more clothes than you for a start.
Bayonetta: But you only wear a loincloth.
Kratos: Exactly. Put it away love, not everyone wants a flash of your arse every five seconds. Now get up on that donkey we’ve got a long way to go.
Bayonetta climbs on the donkey and Kratos wearily leads the beast along the road. Bayonetta sings:
O little town of Bethlehem,
How still we see thee lie,
Murder death and violence,
As Kratos passes by,
Yet in thy dark streets shineth,
The everlasting light,
‘Cos Kratos has gone nuts again,
As someone’s banged his wife.
Kratos: What did you say?
Bayonetta: Er, nothing dear.
Kratos: I’m having trouble believing this ‘virgin’ thing you know.
Bayonetta: Look I don’t know how many times I have to tell you, I just woke up pregnant. It’s a gift from God.
Kratos: If it was a swan shaped gift I’m going to rip Zeus skull apart, I know his tricks the bearded bastard!
Bayonetta: Shush dear, we’re parodying the Christian faith in a light hearted manner, Greek gods don’t exist.
Kratos and Bayonetta arrive in Bethlehem. They knock on the door of an Inn and the Innkeeper opens the door.
Clank: Yes?
Kratos: Greetings small robotic thing, my wife is pregnant and we need a room for the night.
Clank: Oh my! I’m sorry but my Inn is full. The top two floors are full of Zoni, all sitting cross-legged about going “Ohm” a lot, it’s like a frickin’ hippy commune up there.. Oh, hello ‘Netta!
Bayonetta: Well hello handsome, long time no see.
Clank blushes
Kratos: You know this guy?
Bayonetta: Er.. Yes. Clank and I were… uhm.. were.. Bingo partners. Yes, that’s it, Bingo. We used to play Bingo together. Sixty-six, clickety click!
Clank: Forty four, droopy draws!
Bayonetta: Forty three, drop on your knees!
Clank: Forty six, up to tricks!
Bayonetta: Twenty seven, gateway to heaven!
Bayonetta winks at Clank. Clank growls like a hungry bear that has just seen a honey pot.
Bayonetta: Easy tiger!
Kratos (stroking his beard): So tell me, oh love of my life, when did you and the tin-pot last ‘play bingo’?
Bayonetta: Well I’d guess at around.. roughly… say.. nine months ago.
Kratos glances at Bayonettas pregnant stomach, and then at Clank. He wears a confused expression.
Clank (panic in his voice): Kaythanxbye
Clank slams the door shut. Bayonetta gives Kratos her best smile and pats him on the head.
Bayonetta: Come on my bald barbarian, let’s try the next Inn.
They trudge wearily to a second Inn and once more knock upon the door. The door opens.
Nathan Drake: Hey.
Kratos: Tell me my good man, do you perchance have a room for..
Drake: Sorry, all full. Hey! Bayonetta! Boy are you a sight for sore eyes! I knew you would come back for some more of the Drake snake!
Bayonetta: Ah, hello Nathan. Have you met my husband Kratos?
Drake: Your.. husband?
Kratos (angrily): Yes.
Drake: Ah.
Kratos: So you know this guy as well? Did he ‘play Bingo’ with you and Clank?
Bayonetta: Mmm kinky..
Kratos: What?!?
Bayonetta: Er I said ‘It’s Blinky’ – look, over there, one of the ‘Ghosts of Pac-Man Past’.
Blinky: Hey there guys!
Kratos: This is a nativity parody not ’A Christmas Carol’, get back to your own story.
Blinky: Sorry.
Blinky hurries off.
Kratos: So how do you know Mr. Drake?
Bayonetta: Well, as you know Nathan is an expert treasure hunter and I hired him to accompany me whilst I located an ancient artefact, it’s as simple as that my love.
Drake: Yup. Absolutely. Artefact. Damn straight.
Kratos: I see. What were you for?
Bayonetta: We were looking for.. uhm.. looking for the ancient Babylonian treasure called.. er.. Geespot.
Drake: Yes, that it I was searching for her Geespot.
Kratos: I have never heard of this treasure, so I assume you did not find it?
Drake (grinning): Oh I did, in fact I found it more than onc-
Bayonetta (interrupting): But he lost it. In a river. Which is why I don’t have it anymore.
Kratos (unconvinced): Right. This treasure hunting trip, would I be in the right neck of the woods if I guessed this happened.. oh, plucking a figure out of the air.. nine months ago?
Drake: Sounds about right. Well, good luck with finding a place to stay!
Drake shuts the door.
Kratos (suspicious): You never mentioned treasure hunting with Drake before.
Bayonetta (flustered): Oh look, one final Inn! Go be a sweety and see if they have a room.
Kratos and Bayonetta cross the street to the final Inn. Kratos knocks on the door and it opens.
Sackboy: Yo!
Kratos: Greetings rather creepy animated knitted character, do you have a vacancy for my pregnant wife?
Sackboy: Sorry man, all mah homies have checked in and mah crib is full. Sonic is racing around like he’s on speed man, I’ve got Nate Hale and Sev in the bridal suite, full on bromance that is and.. oh, hey Bayonetta you sexy bitch!
Bayonetta: Hey baby!
Bayonetta winks at Sackboy
Kratos: Oh come on, he hasn’t even got genitals!
End of Act One. Stay tuned for Act Two!
Note: If anyone from any religion is offended by this piece I am sorry this was not my intention. Try and remember these two things: Firstly, this is a piece of tat on the internet and not really worth getting offended over and secondly, God has a sense of humour, just look at the platypus. Or the French
Comments
Please note that all comments are the opinion of the individual author and not TheSixthAxis.
Manorhowze | 22/12/2009 10:52
Driving God
2031 TSA Points | Member since: Dec 2008
That was brilliant TC. Had me in stitches all the way through it.
My favourite had to be the inclusion of blinky, I look forward to act 2.
posem | 22/12/2009 10:55
Member
64 TSA Points | Member since: Nov 2009
LOL, totally epic xD
want more of this kinda stuff guys
this just smashed the awesomeness rating…
Phil_E | 22/12/2009 11:14
Member
678 TSA Points | Member since: Forever
good stuff, very funny. bring on part 2!!
Spotter5 | 22/12/2009 11:22
Member
857 TSA Points | Member since: Forever
Brilliant.
Anthony72 | 22/12/2009 11:35
Member
267 TSA Points | Member since: Jun 2009
I tip my poorly made Christmas hat to you Sir. Made my day very funny
Anthony72 | 22/12/2009 11:36
Member
267 TSA Points | Member since: Jun 2009
By the way there is a great platypus called perry in Phenus and Ferb. Agree about the French though God must have had a sense of humour when he made that country lol
tobo_56 | 22/12/2009 11:43
Member
432 TSA Points | Member since: May 2009
LooooL! Awesome story!
haz360 | 22/12/2009 11:47
Member
421 TSA Points | Member since: Forever
Amazing! Had me in stitches all the way through. Looking forward to Act 2!
lewis815 | 22/12/2009 11:56
Member
729 TSA Points | Member since: Mar 2009
Brilliant! Knitted character!
Vandix | 22/12/2009 12:08
Member
1197 TSA Points | Member since: Mar 2009
Nice going, Tuffcub. Looking forward to act 2… Ohh.. Sorry… Act Two…
Aitrus | 22/12/2009 12:21
Member
1488 TSA Points | Member since: Sep 2008
Funny stuff, Tuffcub!
Tuffcub | 22/12/2009 12:22
Team TSA: Writer
4070 TSA Points | Member since: Dec 2008
You might get Act 2 tomorrow not written it yet.. I’ve just written the ending of the final Act 3 and you’ll never guess who the father is
Is it Kratos? Drake? Clank? Someone else?
TheShepanator | 22/12/2009 14:30
Member
559 TSA Points | Member since: Nov 2009
Please don’t say its sonic! Or solid snake, he wouldn’t wake her up.
Tuffcub | 22/12/2009 16:57
Team TSA: Writer
4070 TSA Points | Member since: Dec 2008
Ooh and you’re so close… and yet so far!
DRCD1 | 22/12/2009 18:58
Member
911 TSA Points | Member since: Dec 2008
It starts w/ “S” doesn’t it?
mynameisblair | 22/12/2009 12:32
Member
3876 TSA Points | Member since: May 2009
Oh no you didn’t just do that.
I’m a French Platypus for your information.
I liked you – but not any more
DRCD1 | 22/12/2009 12:53
Member
911 TSA Points | Member since: Dec 2008
Awesomely briliant.
slates16 | 22/12/2009 13:02
Member
248 TSA Points | Member since: Apr 2009
haha very good, this is the first of the advent things i’ve read I think i will go back over them this afternoon, so much for work!