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Opinion

News Snatch: Activision, Duke And A Knob Snail

Filling your eyeboxes with gaming 'news'.

Activision are suffering from damp patches as super-storm Sandy continues to cause problems across the U.S.A. “We are aware of connectivity issues with some of our titles. Our data centre is being affected by extreme weather conditions on east coast,” Activision said. All of the Guitar Hero games are having problems along with Call of Duty: World at War on all systems, Modern Warfare 2 on PS3 and Black Ops on PS3, PC and Wii.

Obviously Activision moved the Xbox servers to high ground, if they had been destroyed then Sandy would feel like a gentle breeze compared to the venomous bile spewed by uppity American tweens.

Whilst we’re on the subject of Activision – where is Bob? Remember him, Bob Kotick? He was a recurring feature during the last season of Snatch, barely a day went by without him saying something inappropriate.  A quick Google reveals he has not said anything to anyone for months. Perhaps he has been gagged by the Activision PR department, probably for the best but I do miss his charming way with words.

Xbox Smartglass is now available for Android devices. Anyone bothered?

Duke Nukem actor Jon St. John has revealed that he is nothing like his vulgar gun totting alter ego. On the most recent Unlimited Hyperbole podcast he said “I don’t care for guns in general. It bothers me in this country how free we are to bear arms. Gratuitous violence, like Grand Theft Auto? Not into those kind of games at all. ” Expect the next Duke game to feature extreme flower arranging and high octane thrills in the ‘Just popping out to the shop to buy some milk’ level.

Jon is currently working on the family friendly title, ‘Dudebro: My Shit is Fucked Up So I Got To Shoot/Slice You II: It’s Straight-Up Dawg Time’. Seriously.

Sony have released a trailer for upcoming teen scare’em up, Until Dawn. It has absolutely nothing to do with the SAW franchise, absolutely not, I bet the development team have never even heard of the movies. It’s just coincidence the trailer features a body held in a trap with a massive spinning saw and instructions that must be followed to save your friend. Does it make you want to play a game?

2K Czech, blah blah blah blah, Mafia, blah blah blah blah blah next gen blah blah blah blah. Can we all please assume that video games developers are – shock horror – developing video games? Extracting the earth-shattering story ‘developer working on new game’ from an job advert is not news, and of course they are going to say they are working on an ‘exciting’ game in a job advert, they are hardly going to post ‘Come to work for 2K Czech, our new game is pretty average. Might do okay. but don’t get your hopes up for a bonus.’

UK retailer Comet looks likely to vanish from the high street, boss Rob Darke has sent a message to the staff saying the company is “urgently” working on a way to keep the company afloat.  International Business Times reports that the company will call in the administrators next week and the BBC have now confirmed the news. Customers have been advised to spend any gift cards they have as soon as possible.  Well that is a bit of a downer, can’t really make a joke about that, I think we need a knob gag to finish with…

American McGee, he of ‘Alice: Madness Returns’, has posted a delightful image on his Facebook page. Whilst discussing the evolution of the game he said “[EA] wanted more violence, more gore, more sex, more horror and more offensive ‘stuff’—I think they had in mind a sort of Dante’s + Alice thing.”

To try and help EA achieve their goal American created a rather rude garden creature. “After I sent them the ‘M-Snail’ and threatened to put it in the intro sequence of the game they calmed down a bit,” commented American.

6 Comments
  1. Sympozium
    Member
    Since: Aug 2009

    why

    Comment posted on 01/11/2012 at 17:11.
    • bunimomike
      Member
      Since: Jul 2009

      Not the finest first post. :)

      Comment posted on 01/11/2012 at 19:17.
  2. The Lone Steven
    Never heard of him.
    Since: May 2010

    I know you are taking the piss with the Acti bit but sadly, i can see that being true if the servers were destroyed. :(

    It seems that op-captia either didn’t want to turn Comet around or just couldn’t turn it around. Can see Game going tits up if they don’t turn it around as preowned games should never, and i repeat never cost more then a brand new game!

    Why do i get the feeling that Peter was bribed to look the other way just so you could include a knob gag and a picture of a knob snail?

    Comment posted on 01/11/2012 at 17:36.
  3. bunimomike
    Member
    Since: Jul 2009

    Until Dawn actually looks interesting although I hold no hope out for it as of yet. Hell, the film world can’t get it right (most of the time).

    Comment posted on 01/11/2012 at 19:18.
  4. hazelam
    Member
    Since: Feb 2009

    talking of Jon St. John.
    would it be cool if he read Fifty Shades of Grey in the Duke Nukem voice you think?

    i do.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5oUa-3W0BFI

    Comment posted on 01/11/2012 at 19:29.
    • RudeAwakening
      Member
      Since: Jan 2011

      That’s brilliant!

      Comment posted on 02/11/2012 at 18:06.

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