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Next Gen Rumours - Making It Up For A Laugh

Not a teraflop in sight.

All this talk of next generation consoles is getting a little bit too much for some people. With that in mind, we’ve had a minor mental breakdown and invented our own source that we’ve been quizzing for some totally made up rubbish about the GameStation 4. Because our source is overtly invented, we don’t even have to pretend he’s anonymous. We’ve even given him a backstory.

He’s called Gerald Circuitboards, he used to work for Findus in their Crispy Pancake Crispiness Testing Division and he’s got a lovely wife, called Sandra, who secretly resents her sister for having a more successful career than her. Now Gerald works for Sowny Macao as their VP of Vicious Gossip and Bitching but he’s hoping to gain promotion that will put him in charge of all rumour-mongering for the whole of Polynesia, Melanesia and Micronesia.


All of this and then a bit more.
According to Gerald, the GameStation 4’s technical specifications have recently been locked in place and factories are currently being prepared to start farting out little black boxes of videogame awesomeness just as soon as the Head of Global Lever-Pulling in Tokyo wakes up. Gerald has been talking to more outlets than Ken Levine but this is the only place where these words will be together in this precise order. So this is a global exclusive. It is.

We pretended to ask Gerald how much RAM the GameStation 4 will have. “Four bits of it, or maybe eight of them. Definitely not three RAMS,” replied the wily shepherd of gossip, “at least, that’s what trawling the speculative threads on NeoGAF tells us.” Not to worry though, it’s four really fast gigabytes of RAM, codenamed “Whippet RAM,” apparently.

Gerald is keen to point out that the GameStation 4 will actually be called the “Orbit” because Sowny recently hired a new VP of Nomenclature in San Francisco and he’s really good at coming up with names. We pointed out that “orbit” is the latin term for the eye socket. “That’s because it has a docking station for our new GameStationEye camera peripheral,” replied our imaginary friend. “You know, for all those motion-controlled games the kids love so much.”

The console will use Blu-ray discs for games and will provide backward compatibility with all the previous generation’s games via Wizard Streaming. We suggested that this was a really good idea for an OS-level application. “Oh no, a real wizard,” replied Gerald. “We’ve imported a job lot of them from Middle Earth and each Orbit comes bundled with two controllers, the GameStationEye and an actual wizard.”

One of the two bundled controllers is a standard twin-stick, twin-trigger, 11 button configuration but with a twist. You can split it in half, flip the sticks around, adjust a couple of panels and transform one half into Optimus Prime. The other half, then works as a remote control to drive Optimus around your living room. Nintendo hasn’t even dreamt of something like that.

The other controller is a motion controller shaped like a thick wand with spongy orb on one end. The wand part vibrates as usual but it also heats up and cools down to provide what Gerald isn’t calling “ThermalSense” feedback. You’ll also be able to twist the orb for screwing and unscrewing things in games, as well as for actions like opening a doorknob.

The spongy orb also has a revolutionary new feature, called “TasteTech.” Special emitters around the surface of the orb will secrete various combinations of flavours which you can then lick to get a whole new type of feedback. For example, munching on a Giant’s Toe in Skyrim would give you the actual taste of a real giant’s foot on the orb.

This amazing new tastable technology is being adapted to automatically take on the flavour of anything being displayed on screen, too. Gerald says that intensive focus testing is currently underway and the most generated flavour so far has been “boobs.”


Hopefully, lots of imaginary games featuring cake are on the way.
Sowny has consulted with the Daily Mail for another new, completely imagined, feature: MoralChoice. Biometric sensors will provide feedback to in-game situations and the game’s display can be altered to adapt to your moods. For example, if the jiggling breasts of Dead or Alive get you a little too frisky, a warning klaxon sounds and a red banner appears asking you to refrain from being such a pervert.

It’s all powered by a super fast processor which Gerald claims is at least twice as fast as that other console from those other jokers. Probably.

As for games, the GameStation 4 has signed Agent and The Last Guardian from the misty wilderness. Both games will definitely be out at launch. Or, launch window, at least. Definitely. There’s no word on when launch will be though, the GameStation 4 will only be revealed at a carefully selected time described by Gerald as “as soon as we find out when that other console is going to be revealed.”

Finally, when pushed on whether the new console would include any Kinect-style hands-free gaming, Gerald snorted with laughter. “Are you having a giraffe? The only thing that works on Kinect are dancing games. We’ll provide an even more immersive experience by offering DLC tickets to your local disco.”

We’d like to thank Gerald for allowing us to invent him for this little chat.

Note: This fantasy was co-sponsored by Tuffcub and Peter.

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7 Comments
  1. hanmik
    Member
    Since: Oct 2012

    Gerald sounds like a nice guy. Hope he gets an promotion and a Raise after he spilled the beans..!

    Comment posted on 25/01/2013 at 09:05.
  2. doomsday619
    Member
    Since: Nov 2008

    I thought you said i was going to stay anonymous for the interview!!

    Comment posted on 25/01/2013 at 09:07.
  3. Kennykazey
    Member
    Since: Mar 2010

    I’ve always wanted my own personal Wizard servant. But import tax has been so high and half the time it’s just some crazy with a funny hat.

    I like the thermal sense nonsense, there’s nothing like getting a second degree burn in your palm playing Little Inferno.

    Comment posted on 25/01/2013 at 09:24.
  4. ron_mcphatty
    Member
    Since: Sep 2008

    I think I might have bumped into Sandra at a petrol station in Wandsworth the other day. Before I knocked a jumbo packet of Pombear and twelve Durex out of her hands I overheard her talking grudgingly to a very striking but similar looking woman (must be her successful sister) about new technology her husband was looking into called ‘Blu-Raymond’. Perhaps this fabled Orbit will provide the exclusive 4K upscaling for mediocre 90′s American sitcoms that we’ve all been craving?

    Comment posted on 25/01/2013 at 09:25.
  5. three_leg_jake
    Member
    Since: Aug 2011

    Mmmmmm Findus Crispy Pancakes! That takes me back to my childhood in the 70s!

    Comment posted on 25/01/2013 at 09:50.
  6. hazelam
    Member
    Since: Feb 2009

    a real Middle Earth wizard?
    i bet i end up with bloody Saruman, that’d be just my luck. :(

    with that new taste technology, i bet sewer levels will be real popular. o_O

    Comment posted on 25/01/2013 at 10:09.
  7. salvodaze
    Member
    Since: Dec 2012

    For a second there I though the controller would actually transform into a life-size Optimus Prime. Damned technological constraints… Well maybe they’ll cover that up in Playterminal 5. In the meantime, I’ll drive the mini Prime to Micronesia, which I always wanted to visit anyway.

    Comment posted on 25/01/2013 at 10:50.

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