Abridged Too Far – Eleven

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RED FACTION: GUERILLA

There was once a man called Alec Mason. He was the 2nd best ‘Alec’ in History, much to the chagrin of Mr. Baldwin. The first is obviously Alec Guinness; that’s a no brainer. Anyway, Alec Mason, for the most part, was a non-descript engineer from the year 2125. This was a great year for the mining industry, an even better year for corrupt Military organisations and, despite the adverts, it was a terrible year for lager.

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One day, Alec decided to visit his brother on Mars to see if he could find any work as the economy on Earth was poor; massive Corporations and the EDF (Earth Defence Force) ruled with an iron fist. It turned out that things weren’t much better on Mars. The EDF had commandeered the planet in an attempt to harvest its resources and send them back to Earth. I don’t wish to be a cynic but…resources? On Mars? I’m guessing rock and dust are of high value in 2125. But who am I to argue? The miners that used to work happily on the Red Planet were now being forced into labour, albeit still paid, by the EDF. Work conditions were poor, slacking was punishable by death or boiled egg eating contests, and the pensions they had been paying into for years was wiped. Alec still wanted the work however, so he tracked down his brother, Daniel Mason. 

ALEC: What up, Bro? 

DANIEL: Oh you know, the usual. I have an in-grown toe nail that has gone septic; my wife left me for a woman and it burns when I pee. How about you? 

ALEC: Riiiight! Well, ignoring all of that, I’m good thanks. I need a job. You got any going? 

DANIEL: I do as  a matter of fact but I should warn you, I am now part of the Red Faction. 

ALEC: What? Don’t you remember what they did? 

DANIEL: No. No one remembers Red Faction. Now, take this sledgehammer and we’ll get straight to work. 

ALEC: I am reluctant to join the Faction, but cheers for the sledgehammer. 

Alec took the heavy-duty tool and Daniel explained that it wasn’t just any hammer, it would in fact reduce solid-concrete building supports to rubble with just one swing. Awesome! Alec didn’t take his time to test it and accidentally razed Daniel’s house to the ground. Oops! Daniel took Alec to a nearby salvage area to scavenge some metal and Alec wasted no time in destroying EVERYTHING. Crates – Gone. Walk-ways – Gone. Buildings – Gone. Towers – Gone. Barrels – Oh, barrels can’t be smashed. Pff, Alec didn’t want to smash barrels anyway. All of a sudden an EDF airship appeared and opened fire on the pair. Alec looked around for something to hide behind. Ooo, a rock. Alec hid behind it, but his brother wasn’t as clever. The gunship mowed Daniel down. 

ALEC: Nooooooooooooooooooooo…(deep breath)…noooooooooooooooooooo. 

The airship landed and two EDF soldiers exited. 

ALEC: You shot my brother.

EDF SOLDIER: That was kind of the point. You’re his brother? 

ALEC: Yes. 

EDF SOLDIER: In which case you are a terrorist too. Dead or alive, you’re coming with us. I’ve always wanted to say that. 

Just then, a shot rang out around the rocky terrain and one of the soldiers hit the ground with a bullet hole in his head. Alec picked up his sledge and charged at the second guard, swung and sent him flying off into the distance. 

ALEC: Have that! You can’t touch this! 

A jeep came skidding around the corner and a Red Faction member called Sam jumped out and forced Alec into the car. Inside, he also met the man in charge of the rebel group; Commander Davies. 

DAVIES: You have to join us now. 

ALEC: Why? 

DAVIES: Because only you can destroy the EDF. 

ALEC: WTF! How many members does this Faction have? 

DAVIES: 6572. 

ALEC: So why can’t you do it? 

DAVIES: We all have…er…bad legs! 

Alec’s rage was stopped short when Davies spoke over him and explained the terrible things the EDF were doing. He told Alec that he would need to travel the length and breadth of Mars to wipe out the oppressive EDF. They took him to their base where he was immediately given his first assignment. It is worth noting that all of his assignments will be the same: Destroy, destroy, destroy. Spurred on by his brother’s death, Alec loaded up with some large weapons and commandeered a vehicle. He sped off and instantly crashed and overturned the vehicle. 

ALEC: I’m sorry, it would appear someone has tampered with this vehicle. The handling is shoddy at best. 

He tried again and gingerly drove toward the first EDF stronghold. He put his foot down and rammed through their security checks and parked it…In the front of a building. He jumped out and began throwing remote charges, shooting soldiers and swinging his tool. He detonated all charges and the EDF base crumbled. Upon completion of this, all the remaining EDF seemed to disappear. Chickens. Well, that was easy. Parker sector was free. On to Dust.

Dust was exactly the same as Parker except the ground and rocks were covered in a slightly different shade of red dust. The Red Faction kindly set up another base for Alec to work from and he again, made light work of his assignments. Halfway through one of his missions, Sam contacted him. 

SAM: We have intercepted a communication of a shady deal going down in Parker. Get to it. 

ALEC: No! I’m in the middle of a mission. Can’t it wait until afterwards? In fact, get someone else to do it. 

Alec hung up the phone and a while later, Dust was liberated. Easy peasy. He was then contacted by Davies who asked him to do some surveillance on the Marauders in the Badlands, in the hope that they would discover some new weapons. Marauders were weird and freaky people that were partial to the odd bit of smoked-baby and fillet of rock. They had managed to somehow occupy the Radiated Zone and were mean buggers. They also ruled over the Badlands. But this didn’t frighten Alec. He went to his assignment, but all was not well. He quietly crept into the Marauders territory and came across a large ruined building. He found a strange device called a ‘Nano Forge’. Sam wet her pants at his discovery and urged him to bring it back with him. He stashed it in his coat. Just then, out of the cloudy sky, came a bombardment of missiles and rockets. They thumped the ground with devastating effect and Alec didn’t wait around; he legged it back to Dust sector. The stealing of such a wanted device had brought Alec Mason to the attention of the EDF’s General and Admiral, Roth and Kobel respectively. 

Back in Dust, things weren’t getting any better. The EDF turned their air-based onslaught toward the  sector and opened fire. Alec was now single handedly responsible for saving key members of the Red Faction and computers. His thoughts included ‘Screw’ and ‘You’, but there was something compelling Alec to comply. After the dusty dust had settled on Dust, Alec took the Nano Forge back to Sam whereby she analysed it and found something amazing. 

SAM: We can adapt this into a weapon. 

ALEC: Really? What kind? 

SAM: The kind whereby you shoot, the target vapourises and you go: ‘OMFG’. 

ALEC: Sweeeet! 

She handed Alec a newly-modified Nano-Rifle. Again, Alec couldn’t wait to test his new arsenal so he instantly shot Terry from Development and Research. His body disintegrated into a pile of yellow ash. Awesome! Just then a woman appeared. 

WOMAN: Hey has anyone seen my husband, Terry? 

ALEC: He went that way. 

Alec put his hands in his pockets and snuck away. He had new missions to complete but he felt he needed some time out to relax; so he went sight seeing. Rock, rock, larger rock, small rock, brown rock, rock, oooo! What’s this?…Oh, it’s a rock. To be honest Alec didn’t care; he wasn’t here for the scenery. He was here to destroy. He turned around and noticed an unoccupied building nearby so he pulled some remote charges from his…Where does he keep all these weapons? Anyway, he threw 25 charges around the building and stood back to watch it disintegrate into millions of tiny pieces. It never failed to give him an adrenaline boost. Just then an old lady crawled her way out of the rubble. Turns out it wasn’t unoccupied. She strutted up to Alec and pulled a Thermobaric Rocket Launcher from her nighty. 

OLD LADY: Who did this? 

ALEC: Erm…There were ten of them. Really big lads. I saw the whole thing. They went that way. 

OLD LADY: Right. This will teach those scrotes to mess with Old Lady G. 

She ran away to chase the make-believe vandals. Alec fled the scene too and returned to his missions. He stormed his way through Mars, liberating one sector after another. He was getting so much love from the residents too. With popularity like his, he was sure to get some groupies. Score! Alec was running around Mars, mainly because it was faster than driving, when all of a sudden his path was blocked. He looked around. There were no EDF in sight, no buildings and no vehicles, yet he still couldn’t move. He looked down. At his feet sat a tiny pebble. He took a deep breath. 

ALEC: There is no way that I will be able to walk over this pebble. I can’t lift my leg that high. There is no other choice. I’m going to have to walk round it. 

He gathered up the energy and side-stepped the tiny stone. Phew! That was close. 

His phone rang and Sam advised him that the EDF’s flagship warship, Hydra, was orbiting Mars and they were going to wipe the planet clean. They had to do something and Sam had a plan. 

SAM: Okay, so we only have one choice. Team up with the Marauders. 

ALEC: Are you crazy?

SAM: There is something I need to tell you, Alec. I’m…I’m…left handed. 

ALEC: All this time and you never told me?

SAM: I know. I’m sorry. Oh, and I used to be a Marauder. My sister, Vasha, is their leader. 

ALEC: A left-handed Marauder. You make me sick. What’s the plan? 

She went on to explain that the Marauders have a massive Particle Accelerator in their possession. They stole it from Switzerland. Using this technology they could combine it with the Nano Forge and shoot the Hydra from the sky and therefore kill all of the EDF forces around Mars. It was a good plan. The bad part was that Alec would have to single handedly face wave after wave of super-tough EDF soldiers due to the Red Faction member’s bad legs. Compared to all of his experiences up until now, this final mission was near on impossible. Even his massive tank couldn’t save him. He attempted to storm the EDF on more than 48 occasions. 

ALEC: Screw you guys, I’m going home. 

Alec didn’t return to this vital mission for about a week. He needed the time to build up the courage. He loaded his weapons, jumped in his tank and charged. This time round was looking good. He managed to pass the first wave and found that he was joined in the fight by lots of Marauders. At last! Someone was helping. But the Marauders weren’t very good and the EDF killed them all; including Vasha. Alec didn’t really care and therefore didn’t feel too guilty moving on so quickly. He pushed further and as the body count reached 921, he finally reached the summit of the mountain and confronted General Roth. 

ROTH: You won’t kill me. 

ALEC: I have just killed your ENTIRE Army. On. My. Own. You are not going to be too difficult. 

Alec flicked General Roth in the windpipe and he dramatically hit the floor. He suffocated. Then, from the base of the mountain, and almighty boom…boomed out. The Particle accelerator was live and firing. A beam shot through the sky and in spectacular fashion, vapourised the Hydra space ship, killing everyone on board. Alec thought of a new slogan: ‘Mass Murder…It’s Okay If You Think You’re the Good Guys’. 

Sam and Alec met up to celebrate along with the rest of Mars. The job was done. 

SAM: You know, I have really grown fond of you Alec. 

ALEC: Forget it. You are a left-handed Marauder. Can you imagine what our children would be like? No chance. 

THE END

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