Here at TSA we like to make Fridays a bit more entertaining than other, more run-of-the-mill days. That’s why we try to get Lewis to post Abridged too Far on a Friday and why My Top Ten is often aimed at raising a laugh. We even trialled a scheme where we made Murdo dress in orange lederhosen with bright pink socks but none of us could take the photograph because we were laughing too much. My point is, Katy Coe (that’s DJKaty to you lot) has out-funnied me by a factor of almost more than 9,000. It’s not strictly a top ten, more like a top fifteen. Think of it as getting fifty percent extra free. Or compensation for not getting a top ten last week.
Anyway, without further ado, here are Katy’s top ten reasons she hates you. Yes, you…
15. You have more trophies than me – I’ll admit it, I’m very competitive. I just hit level 11 last night and I was quite pleased with myself. I remember the good old days when Super Stardust HD and Wipeout HD were the only games that had trophies and I had more than you because you hadn’t figured out what the PSN store was yet. Now you have owned me, and I don’t have time to catch up. I hate you.
14. You have more trophies than me for all the wrong reasons, and you know it – You know the type. Usually their comment says something like “4217 trophies!”. They buy every game – even the ones that suck, and the ones you’ve never heard of despite checking the release schedules every week. Then they whore through all the easiest trophies, toss it on the shelf and move onto the next game. Then they put their trophy count in their comment message to show you how much better than you they are. They tell you they have 20 platinums, then you check their trophies and discover they got them on Terminator Salvation and Noby Noby Boy (yes yes I know, overlook the factual inaccuracy there). Actually you just have more money than sense – I believe Warcraft players have a word for that: it’s called “no-lifer”.
13. Your status says “LittleBigPlanet: Empty Level (1/4)” and I know damn well you’re making a level just to impress a girl – Oh get a life. If you want to impress a girl, take her for a romantic dinner or buy her some flowers. I’ve never made an LBP level to impress a girl of course. So this one doesn’t apply to me. Obviously.
12. You have a custom avatar – …from which I’m assuming you are 16 or under since you have to have a certain level of adolescence in your soul to pay for a 2D sprite. It’s 20p – you could’ve bought your first cigarette with that! Shame on you.*
11. You always ask me to play Modern Warfare 2 when I’m watching porn – I’m a lady, so I don’t watch porn of course. Especially not lesbian porn with blonde Swedish girls who’ve barely turned 18. But I digress. How many times have you been watching your torrent download of House or Top Gear, munching on your microwave dinner only for that box to pop up in the corner with one of your friends asking you if you wanna play Buzz? Obviously I only have my closest most important 100 PSN friends on my friends list, so this isn’t so much of a problem – but it could be. Especially if I’m watching porn at the time.
10. You add me out of nowhere with no message – I can’t find you in my Players Met list and you haven’t told me who you are. Yes, I know, you’re probably from SingStar, but I run a gaming web site and as alluded to earlier I have 100 close friends already. This is also for those of you who message me and say “my friend says you know a lot about SingStar – how do I calibrate my mic?”. The manual is your friend, my friend. And if the manual doesn’t give you enough good loving, Google will love you forever (Note: If you have a genuine problem I’ll be happy to help you)
9. YoU hAvE a NiCkNaMe LiKe ThIs – Actually it’s usually along the lines of iAmDaShiZz14. I’m guessing that 14 refers to your age right? You know that’s gonna be out of date when your birthday rolls around. But hey, CAPS LOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR AWESOME.
8. The output from your webcam looks like a plate of sick – Again, you know the type. They flock to Virgin Media cos it’s da best! Don’t invite me to a video chat if your internet connection consists of firing packets out of your bedroom window on the back of a carrier pigeon with one dodgy wing. Oh, you have fibre optic… is that what you really look like? Damn, you’re ugly.
7. You have a headset from Dixons – You know those conversations, they often start like “Sorry, my headset is a bit crap”. And then you continue to use it. If it’s a bit crap, turn the bloody thing off and go and buy an official PS3 headset. They’re not expensive. It’s not complicated. Certainly while the atmosphere of Aliens vs Predator is spruced up by the fear-inducing sound of shortwave radio static in my ear and the occasional background warble of speech, you are ruining the team play and making it impossible to hear anyone else. If you know your headset sucks, do us all a favour and turn it off.
6. You keep calling me gay – Yes, yes I am gay, well spotted. Fortunately, since I’m a woman, the only thing I suck at is video games. Tell your girlfriend I had a great time last night. Oh wait, sorry, you don’t have one, you’re that no-lifer with all the trophies.
5. You’re playing a game I don’t own and really want – You are responsible for so much decadent spending on my part I should send you the bill. If I see someone playing a game I don’t own and know is good, I have an unhealthy obsessive compulsion to buy it so I can be in the cool group too. The number of times this has happened to me is unreal. I have solved the problem now by simply pre-ordering every game that is ever released just in case it turns out to be popular. I won’t be that annoying trophy whore though, I don’t really play my games, I collect them. They’re just on my shelf to look cool. Still, you’re burning a hole in my pocket. Or you would be if I had pockets; women’s clothes are kind of lacking in practicality so I have a Hello Kitty purse instead. There’s no money in it either, just credit cards, so technically you’re melting a hole in my plastic.
4. You’re playing Super Mega Ninja Rundown Uber Victims Part 3 – Why? WHY? Disney Sing It, Noby Noby Boy, Mahjongg Artifacts, Hannah Montana for Christ’s sake. At least play something we’ve heard of. Don’t make me look your games up on the interwebs (or I might buy them).
3. I’m playing a beta and you ask me for a code after not writing anything for 6 months – Wow you’re so cool, how did you get that?! Can I have a beta code too?! No, you cannot have a beta code. Sod off. Thank God I only have my 100 closest friends on my list or I’d get this all the time. Oh wait…
2. You take so long to start an online match I have died of old age in the meantime – Ok so my dinner is in the oven, it’ll be ready in 12 minutes, I just have time for a quick 10-minute deathmatch. Let’s go! Erm… let’s go! But sadly, no, you haven’t hosted a game before and players are leaving out of impatience because you haven’t yet figured it out…. please for the love of God click Ready so we can get on with this, you’re going to make my frozen pizza burn (technically it shouldn’t burn because it’s frozen, but hey, shit happens).
But my number one, all-time greatest pet hate that makes me hate you, is:
1. You have a headset at all – Oh how technology has advanced. Remember the good old days of IRC? If people got on your nerves, you’d say “ok, I’m gonna +m this channel; you, you and you can have +v and the rest of you, shut the fuck up.” Now not only can we not mute the annoying ones while leaving the others untouched except in a few select games, but we have to actually listen to you coughing, belching and eating crisps. And calling me gay. I’m not sure which is the greater evil, homophobic voice chat or caps lock.
If any girl gamer out there would like another geek girl gamer girlfriend (wow what a mouthful, ahem), I am available. Thank you for your attention.
* Smoking makes your fingernails yellow, your house smell bad and increases the risk of emphysema and lung cancer. Also it makes you cough more which makes you bad at SingStar, and it’s addictive so you have to take more breaks from gaming – so as you can see, it’s bad all round. Do not begin to smoke.
Full collection, score, trophy and achievement tracking, contests and social networking for SingStar, Guitar Hero, Rock Band, Lips, DJ Hero, Band Hero and Karaoke Revolution players at www.totalmusicgaming.com.