Ten Things Your Credit Card Has Bought This Week

Have they got our details or haven’t they? The question still hangs in the air awkwardly like that fart you let out just before your girlfriend walked into the room. I say let’s pretend they do, just to make up some poor jokes about it. In fact, here are those poor jokes. Enjoy (or not)!

  1. £1500 of royal wedding merchandise. Those hackers might be unscrupulous thieves and blaggards but they’re not devoid of emotion. We have little doubt that they’re wearing their “It Could Have Been Me!” tee shirts and union flag bowler hats.
  2. £3 on a DVD of Hackers. For research, presumably.
  3. £35 on an Xbox Live Gold subscription. Being a super awesome underground internet celebrity is all well and good but when you’ve had a hard day trying to offload stolen information on the black market you just want to settle down and play a game online. Unfortunately, you’ve ballsed up your chances of getting a game on SOCOM so you’ll resort to Halo and CoD: Black Ops.
  4. £800 of pizza and pepsi. It’s a well known fact that internet types only eat pizza. I saw it in a movie one time so it must be true. The Pepsi is just because they wanted Coke but the pizza place didn’t do it. So those poor hackers got the dreaded question we always answer yes to when what we really mean is “NO, NO, A THOUSAND TIMES NO! PEPSI IS NOT OKAY!”
  5. £15 on a tee shirt with the slogan “I’m Hot for GeoHot” on it. Because he fought the power and wasn’t completely destroyed by it, which is as much of a victory as you can hope for. What a hero.
  6. £29.99 for Portal 2 via Steam. Well, they can’t redeem those codes they got with the PS3 version they pre-ordered, can they?
  7. £500 on a plane ticket to Brazil. It worked for Ronnie Biggs and numerous Nazi war criminals. Brazil is the place to fly to when trying to avoid prosecution, they’ve got beaches, sunshine, pretty forests and negotiable extradition rules.
  8. £150 on fake beards and hair dye. Plastic surgery is a bit drastic but those unscrupulous hacker types will no doubt need to change their appearance a little bit, if only to make a decent game of avoiding the law.
  9. £250 on model railways. Let’s face it, pretty soon you’re not going to be legally allowed to own a computer. You need a new hobby. Model railways are harmless, fun and require attention to detail so it might be just the right avenue to explore.
  10. £80 on a very personal hair removal session. You’ve caused a huge media furore by breaking untold numbers of international laws. You will most likely end up having your door kicked in by the FBI at 4AM on a Sunday morning. You’re on the way to a federal prison you won’t be able to hack out of. So, a quick back, sack and crack waxing will make you all the more valuable to the prison meat market.
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176 Comments

  1. you storys and articles are dog shite today mate! Just give up!

    • Feel free to stop reading them and take your intelligent discourse back to wherever it’s more comfortable ;)

      • This is where I come :D Just they are crap you gotta admit surely!? o_O

      • N4G most probably.

      • You really are great at giving constuctive critisim aren’t you?

      • oh yeah, I freely admit that most of my jokes are bad ones… It seems that some people find pleasure in them though and if you don’t then they’re easily avoided.

      • Feel free to delete those kind of comments, I at least wouldn’t consider it biased or anything, the comments are just really off topic.

      • ive seen alot of people getting uptight about this read dont get me wrong im in the sony sinking ship been on ps3 for 4 years now and my details are at risk just like the rest 77 million to be fair this article was a tongue and cheek review no harm meant by it im sure alot if not all tsa writers have accounts and deatails with ps3 so let it just be a little bit of something to read and lets see what happens over the coming week but as long as you know but tsa if my statement says someone has bought hair removal cream pizza and pepsi fake beards and things in your top 10 list im afraid im going to have to give your names up the polce lol only messing keep up the sterling work at tsa towers love the site only just become a member but been on every day for last 2 years so kinda new to this but kinda not

    • It’s a joke article. If you don’t like them then go somewhere else.

      • ohhhhh……

        It’s a joke

        Ha. Ha. Ha. :|

    • It was funny, you do realise it’s a joke piece making light of the situation? It beats another article telling us more bad news.

      • In fairness if he didn’t find it funny he didn’t find it funny. Granted the original statement was OTT but it’s his opinion and if he didn’t laugh he didn’t laugh. I didn’t, but the article doesn’t bother me because I’m sure others did.

    • Who is this nob?

    • As is your spelling pal. Grow up Fattyuk.

      • Good call. About time we had a light hearted piece around here.

        Go watch the royal wedding if you want something more serious fattyuk…

    • Cheer up, fatty. We’ve all had a tits full of the PSN articles (staff included) but because it’s such massive news it simply must be reported on. It’s mainstream news and, in turn, saturates the gaming media.

      This article, above all else, is having a bit of fun and attempting to bring levity to what’s been a miserable week of miserable news.

      Might I suggest, in the most respectful way possible, to go outside… shout out “God bless Will and Kate” and take time out from the internet for five minutes. Then return all calm and happy to enjoy whatever speculation and opinion we see before us once more.

      • I just read your opening line as Cheer up Fatty, made me laugh. Oh the jokes are ripe around here today.

    • What a surprise, fattyuk is making controversial statements again. There is a small group of people at the moment that seem to do nothing but complain about the quality of TSA. You are all very tiresome. If you have genuine concerns, PM one of the admins. Or go somewhere else. Your clutter on the front pages is what really lowers the standard of this site.

    • What is your problem fattyuk? It’s just a bit of fun and banter, NOT to be taken seriously. Cmon YOU spend the time writing and do better

    • This is some good comedy rather than the downbeat ‘ID fraud chance claims’ that have been going about recently, if you only like Morbid news Fattyuk, instead of insulting the author who has decided to write this himself, you could just request a new feature for TSA: ‘tick box to filter out any happy or positive news’

      A good lesson in spelling and grammar wouldn’t do harm either.

    • Lighten the fuck up and go start your own site if you dont like it

    • so you wont be needing a box of 8″ nobbly surprise condoms.
      had 100 boxes delivered from mr rubber enterprises..strange that…

  2. You’re sinking to such a low measure aswell?

    Let me see what my card has bought… Oh 2 PS3 games and a t-shirt which I bought for myself.

    Unbookmarked.

    • Bye.

    • jesus, it’s a JOKE. I would have thought that was clear… in fact, that’s why I specifically pointed out that it was, um, a joke.

      People are freakishly defensive about this subject now, it’s pathetic really.

      • it’s “pathetic”

        Lol, calm down mate just because people aren’t interested

      • Yeah, you obviously don’t care at all…

        O_o

      • “it’s pathetic really”

        And now who’s freakishly aggressive? ;)

      • That isn’t aggression, I think it is more dissapointment at the negativity shown by a handful of comments here.

      • hey fatty,

        i can see that poking fun at a sad situation isnt your thing. Thats fair enough.
        A common phrase which i try to live by is “if you cant find anything nice to say dont say anything at all”. It seems rather appropriate in this case to follow that.
        Its no big deal if you or others dont find it funny because every writer knows you cannot please them all.

        Insulting the article and the sites work so blunty and sarcastically doesnt really make you seem like a very nice chap. Hope you are just pissed off at having that bloody wedding shoved in your face every which way you look. I know i am :/

  3. Oh god, number 10!

    • I thought 10 was bad until i re read number 4. GOD NO NOT PEPSI!

      • There is nothing worse than having to get Pepsi rather than Coke. IT’S NOT THE SAME!

      • Yeah you’re right Day, Pepsi Max is better.

      • I don’t drink either. They’re both disgustingly sweet.

      • They don’t sell Monster in fast food shops :(

      • I also don’t really eat fast food…

      • Dr Pepper is better than Coke & Pepsi

      • I’m trying to cut down on pop so the diet variety is the best option for me. This means no Dr. Pepper as Zero tastes like ass.

      • yes I agree nothing can beat water

      • Pepsi is the tool of the devil!:P
        I can’t stand it.I will only drink it if it is very cheap and there is no other drink left in stock.I’m more of a dr pepper person or as Rainydays calls it,Dr coke;)@Symp,good man.Why do KFC have Pepsi and not coke?o-o

      • I have to throw my stance in: I don’t like Coke, Pepsi or anything cola flavoured !

    • RC Cola is better…

  4. I find these “jokes” insensitive to people who are genuinely concerned about their credit card information. It wasn’t even funny the first time so could you please give it up already?

    • oh, no offence intended. Everyone should be genuinely concerned, of course. And take measures to protect themselves. I just thought it’d be funny to make a joke out of it rather than dwell on the slim chances that people might be at risk.
      I expected the silly fanboys to object to anything that might be conceived as remotely disparaging to Sony but didn’t realise it might annoy people with genuine, reasonably concerns. I apologise for any offence.

      • I don’t know if that was aimed at me but this Sony fanboy has for the record used his credit card several times on XBL and never on PSN. I have friends who have had credit card information and in one case even their identity stolen and I don’t think it’s a subject to joke about. If I was that friend who had his identity stolen I’d be a little upset about all these million jokes about the matter.

      • that was a genuine apology and an attempt to reassure you that I meant no harm by it. I was trying to lighten the situation a bit and didn’t anticipate this kind of objection (I only anticipated the fanboy objections, which I don’t worry about anymore). I’ve suffered card fraud a couple of times and although it was sorted out nice and quickly, it was still a bit of a nervous moment when they tell you there’s been £6,000 go on your card in a week so I can see where you’re coming from.
        So yeah, apologies for any upset.

      • shouldn’t the joke have been made in a comment, rather than making a brand new article? I mean it’s not like people come here for the comedy rather than gaming news is it?…oh wait…

    • Never heard of “laughing in the face of adversity” I see…

    • get over yourself. its a f-ing credit card number? change it?

      god… some of the bozos that trawl this site with a chip on their shoulder…

  5. But I like pepsi :(

  6. Since when did everyone become so uptight? It’s a light hearted joke in this situation. I found it funny. Nice article Peter

    • if push your Tongue a little further u might feel his tonsils

      • Would you mind kindly just fucking off now? If yu don’t like his articles then go read IGN instead of just posting competly off topic comments?

      • experienced are you?

      • You get angry about more pointless shit and you’ll have a heart attack.

      • What’s wrong with you? I defend your opinion on not finding it funny and back it up and then you say something like this. You’re an idiot.

      • Why are all of your comments negative and unnecessary?

      • I’m feeling a blocked comment in need here.

      • & @Daywalker, darn, would you kindly should work ;)

    • oh chill out you bunch of lady’s :D

      • Do you know how fucking hypocritical this is?
        You itch about it being dog shite then you start postng even worse stuff yourself! What a nobber!

      • I can see a ‘Please refrain from personal insults, no matter how true’ coming up! :P

      • Well before more swear words get thrown around. Good bye have a good day xx

      • i don’t itch when i read articles

      • well, that was a frank and honest exchange of views, wasn’t it?
        I have to ask you all to refrain from personal insults and try to keep the swearing to a minimum, please.
        Can we wait ten minutes and then have a make-up hug?

      • There’s going to be a hug?! Can I come? :)

      • As long as you keep your hands to yourself Aerobes ;)

      • I read TSA article comments because they’re interesting, but there’s some right chaff here today.

  7. Jesus what a bunch of whino’s on here today. It’s not like laughing about the situation makes it worse you know. grow up.

  8. Holy crap some whiney people on today.

    • Ah, sweet sweet wine to soothe the pain
      (of not being able to update our precious, imaginary trophies) ;)

  9. Great article CB, it’s a shame some people don’t have a sense of humour.

  10. I find it a good laugh, although the subject might be a bit wrong for some people. Im worried about the data I have on my PSN, but this article is a nice change of pace from the bad news that surfaces the last couple of days.
    Humour can make some people laugh in these times of trouble. And I am one of them now =D
    Good one Colossalblue !!

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