Ten Things Your Credit Card Has Bought This Week

Peter Chapman 175 Comments

Have they got our details or haven’t they? The question still hangs in the air awkwardly like that fart you let out just before your girlfriend walked into the room. I say let’s pretend they do, just to make up some poor jokes about it. In fact, here are those poor jokes. Enjoy (or not)!

  1. £1500 of royal wedding merchandise. Those hackers might be unscrupulous thieves and blaggards but they’re not devoid of emotion. We have little doubt that they’re wearing their “It Could Have Been Me!” tee shirts and union flag bowler hats.
  2. £3 on a DVD of Hackers. For research, presumably.
  3. £35 on an Xbox Live Gold subscription. Being a super awesome underground internet celebrity is all well and good but when you’ve had a hard day trying to offload stolen information on the black market you just want to settle down and play a game online. Unfortunately, you’ve ballsed up your chances of getting a game on SOCOM so you’ll resort to Halo and CoD: Black Ops.
  4. £800 of pizza and pepsi. It’s a well known fact that internet types only eat pizza. I saw it in a movie one time so it must be true. The Pepsi is just because they wanted Coke but the pizza place didn’t do it. So those poor hackers got the dreaded question we always answer yes to when what we really mean is “NO, NO, A THOUSAND TIMES NO! PEPSI IS NOT OKAY!”
  5. £15 on a tee shirt with the slogan “I’m Hot for GeoHot” on it. Because he fought the power and wasn’t completely destroyed by it, which is as much of a victory as you can hope for. What a hero.
  6. £29.99 for Portal 2 via Steam. Well, they can’t redeem those codes they got with the PS3 version they pre-ordered, can they?
  7. £500 on a plane ticket to Brazil. It worked for Ronnie Biggs and numerous Nazi war criminals. Brazil is the place to fly to when trying to avoid prosecution, they’ve got beaches, sunshine, pretty forests and negotiable extradition rules.
  8. £150 on fake beards and hair dye. Plastic surgery is a bit drastic but those unscrupulous hacker types will no doubt need to change their appearance a little bit, if only to make a decent game of avoiding the law.
  9. £250 on model railways. Let’s face it, pretty soon you’re not going to be legally allowed to own a computer. You need a new hobby. Model railways are harmless, fun and require attention to detail so it might be just the right avenue to explore.
  10. £80 on a very personal hair removal session. You’ve caused a huge media furore by breaking untold numbers of international laws. You will most likely end up having your door kicked in by the FBI at 4AM on a Sunday morning. You’re on the way to a federal prison you won’t be able to hack out of. So, a quick back, sack and crack waxing will make you all the more valuable to the prison meat market.
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175 Comments

  1. Love the top 10’s, hopefully they’re reappearance is a pre-cursor for Peter’s video rants

    good stuff

    oh, & silly fanboys are silly

  2. I can see the funny side to it, but as has already been pointed out, there are people who are genuinely (and with good reason) concerned about their credit card numbers and personal details being compromised.

    • indeed, I was perhaps remiss in not even realising that this might upset people for that reason. Perhaps because on all the serious articles warning of the dangers we get comment threads filled with people telling us there’s nothing to worry about and to stop scaremongering :-/
      Apologies for any upset caused :)

      • Your apology is far from necessary Pete. If they were that concerned about their card details being used, these people should cancel their cards; this does of course require that they know how to use a phone…

      • It’s fine man, like I said, I can see the funny side. Plus I’ve only got a debit card, so if they have got my details, they can only take as much as is in there, so it doesn’t really affect me that much.

  3. I enjoyed it, good article Peter.

  4. Blimey, it’s only a joke, chill people.

  5. what kind of sick creep would order pepsi using someone else’s Credit card? I was tricked into drinking pepsi once.>:'(. Also CB you forgot to mention the hackers freeing people from an artifical world known as the matrix. I saw it in a movie once,it must be true.:P Why do some people not understand that the article was a joke?It is under blogs/features.

  6. Nice.
    I think the situation needed a laugh, the site’s been almost too serious lately.

  7. Im sure some prick has bought a kfc using my details! I dont remember having a kfc last week. Think he had a deluxe boneless box! £13.99! Fat thieving bastard!

    • Boneless!? This guy is obviously taking the piss. you need to sort him out!

  8. it would seem some people got out the wrong side of the bed this morning.
    I found it funny, good article. I think you need to sometimes have a little laugh in bad situations, its a way some people manage to get through it. Nothing wrong with that.

  9. This is not an issue to make light of. Make jokes and sarcasm on game releases, and gaffes but this is a bit insensitive for those that have been hacked, or had their details nicked. Oh well, I’ve said it before and i’m saying it again; but the quality on this website is getting worse and worse. I think I might take colossalblue’s advice and ‘avoid’ these types of long drawn out jokes. Maybe I have a different sense of humour. Oh well, back to playing Halo.

    • Or take my advice and avoid this website so we don’t have to listen to your drivel for a while :)

    • Halo? Trolololololololol. If you’ve been a victim and have half a brain it is at most, an inconvinience. Lighten up peeps.

    • Evey – “Is everything a joke to you, Gordon?”

      Gordon – “Only the things that matter.”

      Enjoy Halo.

    • If we’re not allowed to laugh at our misery there is only crying and shouting left. If you’re not capable of smiling there are other sites you’ll enjoy more, that is unless you’re a troll and it’s the actual complaining and its responses you enjoy.

      Seriously, while the jokes could have been better with some work, anyone provoked by this article need to remove the stick they’ve got stuck in their lower bodyparts.

      • “If we’re not allowed to laugh at our misery there is only crying and shouting left.”

        This. I can’t even say in words how much I agree with you.

  10. HAHAHA! Wonderdul title :)

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