Ten Things Your Credit Card Has Bought This Week

Peter Chapman 175 Comments

Have they got our details or haven’t they? The question still hangs in the air awkwardly like that fart you let out just before your girlfriend walked into the room. I say let’s pretend they do, just to make up some poor jokes about it. In fact, here are those poor jokes. Enjoy (or not)!

  1. £1500 of royal wedding merchandise. Those hackers might be unscrupulous thieves and blaggards but they’re not devoid of emotion. We have little doubt that they’re wearing their “It Could Have Been Me!” tee shirts and union flag bowler hats.
  2. £3 on a DVD of Hackers. For research, presumably.
  3. £35 on an Xbox Live Gold subscription. Being a super awesome underground internet celebrity is all well and good but when you’ve had a hard day trying to offload stolen information on the black market you just want to settle down and play a game online. Unfortunately, you’ve ballsed up your chances of getting a game on SOCOM so you’ll resort to Halo and CoD: Black Ops.
  4. £800 of pizza and pepsi. It’s a well known fact that internet types only eat pizza. I saw it in a movie one time so it must be true. The Pepsi is just because they wanted Coke but the pizza place didn’t do it. So those poor hackers got the dreaded question we always answer yes to when what we really mean is “NO, NO, A THOUSAND TIMES NO! PEPSI IS NOT OKAY!”
  5. £15 on a tee shirt with the slogan “I’m Hot for GeoHot” on it. Because he fought the power and wasn’t completely destroyed by it, which is as much of a victory as you can hope for. What a hero.
  6. £29.99 for Portal 2 via Steam. Well, they can’t redeem those codes they got with the PS3 version they pre-ordered, can they?
  7. £500 on a plane ticket to Brazil. It worked for Ronnie Biggs and numerous Nazi war criminals. Brazil is the place to fly to when trying to avoid prosecution, they’ve got beaches, sunshine, pretty forests and negotiable extradition rules.
  8. £150 on fake beards and hair dye. Plastic surgery is a bit drastic but those unscrupulous hacker types will no doubt need to change their appearance a little bit, if only to make a decent game of avoiding the law.
  9. £250 on model railways. Let’s face it, pretty soon you’re not going to be legally allowed to own a computer. You need a new hobby. Model railways are harmless, fun and require attention to detail so it might be just the right avenue to explore.
  10. £80 on a very personal hair removal session. You’ve caused a huge media furore by breaking untold numbers of international laws. You will most likely end up having your door kicked in by the FBI at 4AM on a Sunday morning. You’re on the way to a federal prison you won’t be able to hack out of. So, a quick back, sack and crack waxing will make you all the more valuable to the prison meat market.
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175 Comments

  1. lol at no.10 :D but surely everyone can see this is just a bit of fun? Sure, we are ALL worried about our details being ‘out there’ but shit happens! Chill peeps ;)

  2. OMGZ HOW DID YOU GET ACCESS TO MY CREDIT CARD STATEMENT?!!?!

  3. ok ok ok hush hush people, I’ll admit it, I stole all your creditcard data. But rest assured I did’nt buy any Kate and what’shisname marriage crap with it, just a shitload of gay-porn.

  4. i just noticed, the price tag still on my copy of hackers, £2.99
    should i be worried or is that just a coincidence? o_O

  5. PEPSI IS NEVER OKAY. xx

  6. I find this funny. Come at me.

  7. Well No.10 would be a fitting punishment, to hear prisoner PSNHack123 screaming like an “oinker” at the sound of Fat Lenny from Cell Block C’s heavy thudding boots nearing the door to his cell, before he’s even set eyes on the “newly landscaped territories” should we say!!
    Just saying!!

  8. Lo, this is the last thing i expected given the current situation but it was a refreshingly funny take on things, nice one CB! :D

  9. “Have they got our details or haven’t they? The question still hangs in the air awkwardly like that fart you let out just before your girlfriend walked into the room.”

    Been there, done that… >_>
    I don’t understand the people who get so sensitive about these lighthearted articles. They are intended to lighten up the tense atmosphere. It’s just a bunch of words. Ignore them if you don’t think they are funny in the order of this article.

  10. amazes me how my opinion has gone down lack a sack of poo. Although there was an article that got posted last night which got pulled within about 20minutes on this site!

    • It’s not your opinion, but the way you expressed it which has annoyed everyone.

    • your opinion is welcomed mate, as is everyones. Just try to explain why you feel the way you feel and then we can get to talking about it instead of frowning and thinking “why did he say that?”

    • It wasn’t your Opinion we were bothered by but the way you expressed it. One comment would have been enough and if repiled then a few more is acceptable depending on the conversation. You tend to post a lot of negatvie things on this site and have come close to spamming.No offence mate.I heard that article was a blog on IGN’s uneccessary and dumb article. we love to hear everyone’s view on a topic.Well i do.Just tone it down and we will be okay.

      • Yeah, that article was reporting on the sheer ignorance shown by IGN to the gay community.
        There was no real need for it to be here. Mind you, no ‘need’ for it not to be either.

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