Ten Things Your Credit Card Has Bought This Week

Peter Chapman 175 Comments

Have they got our details or haven’t they? The question still hangs in the air awkwardly like that fart you let out just before your girlfriend walked into the room. I say let’s pretend they do, just to make up some poor jokes about it. In fact, here are those poor jokes. Enjoy (or not)!

  1. £1500 of royal wedding merchandise. Those hackers might be unscrupulous thieves and blaggards but they’re not devoid of emotion. We have little doubt that they’re wearing their “It Could Have Been Me!” tee shirts and union flag bowler hats.
  2. £3 on a DVD of Hackers. For research, presumably.
  3. £35 on an Xbox Live Gold subscription. Being a super awesome underground internet celebrity is all well and good but when you’ve had a hard day trying to offload stolen information on the black market you just want to settle down and play a game online. Unfortunately, you’ve ballsed up your chances of getting a game on SOCOM so you’ll resort to Halo and CoD: Black Ops.
  4. £800 of pizza and pepsi. It’s a well known fact that internet types only eat pizza. I saw it in a movie one time so it must be true. The Pepsi is just because they wanted Coke but the pizza place didn’t do it. So those poor hackers got the dreaded question we always answer yes to when what we really mean is “NO, NO, A THOUSAND TIMES NO! PEPSI IS NOT OKAY!”
  5. £15 on a tee shirt with the slogan “I’m Hot for GeoHot” on it. Because he fought the power and wasn’t completely destroyed by it, which is as much of a victory as you can hope for. What a hero.
  6. £29.99 for Portal 2 via Steam. Well, they can’t redeem those codes they got with the PS3 version they pre-ordered, can they?
  7. £500 on a plane ticket to Brazil. It worked for Ronnie Biggs and numerous Nazi war criminals. Brazil is the place to fly to when trying to avoid prosecution, they’ve got beaches, sunshine, pretty forests and negotiable extradition rules.
  8. £150 on fake beards and hair dye. Plastic surgery is a bit drastic but those unscrupulous hacker types will no doubt need to change their appearance a little bit, if only to make a decent game of avoiding the law.
  9. £250 on model railways. Let’s face it, pretty soon you’re not going to be legally allowed to own a computer. You need a new hobby. Model railways are harmless, fun and require attention to detail so it might be just the right avenue to explore.
  10. £80 on a very personal hair removal session. You’ve caused a huge media furore by breaking untold numbers of international laws. You will most likely end up having your door kicked in by the FBI at 4AM on a Sunday morning. You’re on the way to a federal prison you won’t be able to hack out of. So, a quick back, sack and crack waxing will make you all the more valuable to the prison meat market.
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175 Comments

  1. I’m not usually one to complain, but this is disgraceful. I ask this article and the one posted earlier giving us a fake scare be deleted. I understand your trying to lighten the mood, but people do not want to be light hearted about possibly their bank details being stolen.

    I hope this is just one hiccup. TheSixthAxis is a great site and I am happy to be a member.

    • If you’re bothered, cancel your card – nothing to worry about. Simples!

    • People should be worried about their card and personal details being stolen every day. It happens every day, but we need to just get on with our lives and hope all the shopping sites etc look after our details properly. Worrying about these things is not going to stop it happening. Fact of life

    • I’m 16 haha. It’s my parents card. It’s just you know, we need to be respectful to others who are seriously worried.

      • Worrying is not going to do you any good. All you can do is take action by cancelling your card. Simple as that really. And TheSixthAxis can’t do anything for you either. They are here to offer some relieve after the stressfull things everyone has been going through.

  2. Like the good old Friday top tens, love it.

    Nice one Cb, don’t worry about those individuals with a humour bypass.

  3. I /might/ have just recently used my card on transactions disturbingly close to numbers …

    2 (I’m saying I learned nothing and that’s what I’m sticking to)
    5 (The slogan was actually “GeoHot, Even hotter on the inside :P”)
    7 (Ok, so it’s Florida but the price is right, so says Leslie Crowther)
    10 (Wholly recommended, even slight breezes are extremely liberating now). Should I be worried?

    ;)

  4. Fun read CB and I prefer Pepsi ;)

  5. I loled at 3.

  6. Oh dear, i read this site quite religiously but over the last few month i’ve been loosing alot of respect, but this ‘poking the bear’ article has dimished it. That coupled with the staff members arguing with the readers. Come on Nofi surely you can see how downhill its going. Were all quite touchy about this suspect, some part for our info going and admittedly all because some of us are defensive of our favoured platform ( ihave all current gen consoles and handhelds but i still pick sony as my favoured no doubt). Whatever the reason is no one wants to be attacked for being angry. I can see this was a joke and understand peter is defending his article but things are getting out of hand on the comments now remember although its a website your still staff and need to restrain.

    • Hey Mick,

      I dont see any staff attacking members comments in any sense of the word on this article. In fact the article’s writer, Peter, has gone out of his way to apologise to those who may be genuinely offended by the article (which he certainly didnt need to) and he has explained that the article was attempting to bring some light hearted jokes to what has been a very negative (and sometimes overly serious) situation.

      • I read the articles everyday (thus the homepage) this wasnt just aimed at this article but recent times there have been many ridiculous arguments between staff and readers. The bulk was my (as i chose to make public) opinion and nit to fuel an argument, nor to start one.

      • Then I would urge you to use to contact us by email if you have a genuine worry about the website, as that would be much more effective :)

    • You do know that Nofi isn’t the owner anymore? You might want to look up what religious means. Try again for correct person to complain to. Use the CONTACT US button on the bottom of the page.

  7. Diet Pepsi ftw! Haha I dunno why but I prefer the taste of diet coke/pepsi, I’m not on an actual diet or anything though. But what’s up with the comments above?! People turning hostile on eachother *loads shotgun* haha

  8. did sony also store people’s sense of humour on their servers as well?
    because it seems to be distinctly lacking here today.

    i’m of the use humour to deal with heavy situations school of thought too, so you’ve got my support peter.
    this one was more a wry grin rather than belly laughs, but i just want you to know some of us still appreciate it.

    and hackers, greatest movie ever.
    hey, how could you dislike a movie with angelina jolie in it?
    hell, i’ve got a copy on umd, and i might just have to watch it again.

    but seriously, pepsi?
    are you mad? O_O

    • I’ll take Johnny Lee Miller & Pepsi and you have Angelina & Coke. Win Win :0

      • suits me fine :)

      • I’ll take you all. Gotta try these things once. Oh and TC. He looks like big but gentle.

    • ok, i’m dissapointed.
      a great feed line like that, and nothing.
      has nobody ever seen the secret policeman’s ball?

    • Next up:

      10 things you should buy with your credit card, and then blame on hackers when you parents or significant other see the bank statement!

      • five if you don’t count porn. ^_^

  9. Yikes! Closest thing I’ve seen to a flame war on TSA and I for one isn’t liking the grief and agro. I’f I wanted to suffer this kind of vitriol I’d turn my xbox live headset on whilst I play CoD. The article was clearly written in a humerous vein and whether it hit the mark is personal opinion (as much of comedy is). I’m sure the griefers on here have probably watched TV comedy / stand up and laughed are considerably more taboo subjects. It’s our right to laugh in the face of adversity and stick ice cubes down the vest of arkward subjects should we so wish. If you don’t like it then go elsewhere if you choose. I thought it was fairly amusing and was happy to read it. Leave the hate and bile where they belong on other forums. There is no place for that here at TSA. We are generally one big happy family so let’s keep it that way.

    By the way I finished Portal 2 last night and it was ACE. Anyone fancy some co-op on 360 as my wife won’t play split screen with me? Hit me up with a friend request (mattmeister77) if you fancy it.

  10. Aren’t jokes supposed to be funny?

    • Not all the time; it’s fair to say the security of the PSN was a joke.. :)

    • Everyone’s sense of humour is different. Mines, for example, seems to be different than the majority of people I speak to so I often don’t find things funny that they do.

      Personally this article put a small smile on my face when I read it so I disagree with you on this.

      • I think we should disregard your opinion anyway. You said on FB that you thought Portal was overrated. Heinous! ;)

      • It is though, so overrated. Portal 2 is fantastic however.

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