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The Problem With: God Of War III

Rage and fury.

Sony have been teasing a reveal about the next God of War for some time (first details here) so what better time to go and play back Kratos’ first PlayStation 3 outing, God Of War III. Please note that there is some fruity language beyond this point but it is required to express my thoughts.

You see whilst God of War Ascension could well be a good game, there’s a few things in God of War III that annoy me beyond belief. So, in an attempt to improve Ascension let’s take a look at just what is wrong with God of War III. Let’s start with…


If you thought Kratos gets angry in the game then you should see me when I try and play the bloody thing, it drives me into a rage that would make that annoying white Spartan cower like a baby penguin.

Kratos’ anger is a good starting point. He is angry, yes we get that, but that is the only emotion he has. He SHOUTS AT EVERYONE and after becoming increasingly pissed off with the population of the heavens it has gotten to the point where I have lost any sympathy I had for the character.

Kratos, you are a penis. A whining cry baby, a shouty faced bell-end and twat of the highest order.

Those infamous skipping ropes look a bit more dangerous like this.
I used to like you; you didn’t say that much and when you did you occasionally set the volume level to below ‘IN YOUR FACE’. Sadly those days are gone, now you can only rage and it’s very unpleasant. You have become a joke of character, a character whose solution to everything is to kill it. Sometimes with fire, but mostly with those skipping ropes you keep attached to your wrists.

Kill everything, kill everyone, kill anything; if it’s in the game then it needs to die. How could the game’s designers (who we shall get to shortly) be unaware that endlessly murderising every single living creature, as well as re-murdering those who are already dead, in existence might become just a teensy bit boring?

Dante’s Inferno, a far superior game in my opinion, gave players an option of killing or saving lost souls and granted you a different bonus depending on the choice you made. Those of us with an ounce of goodness saved at least a couple of helpless creatures and it gave the game some meaning. Dante was on a mission to save his beloved wife and could help lost souls on the way, a noble quest. Kratos? He just wants everyone dead.

That brings me on to the combat: what exactly has changed since the original God Of War? There are a couple of extra moves and a few variations on the skipping ropes but you always find yourself resorting to using the big spinning attack to keep the enemies at bay, before switching to a couple of heavy moves to finish them off. Five games and seven years in to the series and we are still seeing the same ‘shoving the knives down the minotaurs throat’ quick time event? B-O-R-I-N-G.

Let’s talk chests. Not Kratos’ frankly quite pathetic musculature (Leon Kennedy could snap him in half) but the type that hold green and blue orbs. Why in the name of all that is holy do I have to hold down a frickin’ button to open them? I have to stop and stand still for few seconds pressing a button.

Why? WHY?!?! This is an action game and you are deliberately making the action stop. It is the most annoying design concept, even more annoying that having to hammer X just to open a sodding door. I am literally facepalming as I write this as I think of just how bloody stupid those chests are.

The game’s designers helpfully dot the chests around the landscape when you have a large enemy to face but they are fricking useless. Whilst you are waiting to open them an enemy will slap you on the back and cancel the animation. Stupid, stupid, STUPID.

Lets also talk, as helpfully suggest by Salt ‘N Pepa, about sex. Back in the day we were young, innocent creatures so the sex mini game in the original God Of War was titillating. It returns yet again (yawn) for God Of War III, and as soon as baldy starts to get jiggy the camera moves off Kratos so we can watch two lesbian voyeurs get giggly with each other.

Why are you so shy Kratos? After five games slaughtering everything in sight, spilling enough blood and entrails to fill four Olympic sized swimming pools along the way, you seem to be extremely coy about sex.

Why so moody Kratos?
The only conclusion I can make is you are seriously undersized in the lady pleasing department and your contract states that the camera move must move away during the humping mini games. For all we know you could be playing Twister off camera; that would certainly explain why the two nymphs are laughing so much.

Dante has no problems with sexual imagery, and anyone who has finished his game will know he is not a shy lad. He’s quite happy to stand start bollock naked with little (actually, rather large) Dante on show. Talking of Dante I hope that the team behind God Of War IV have played his game as they would have learnt about one of the seven deadly sins, pride.

You see, although I detest pretty much everything about God Of War III, there is one ‘feature’ above all others that makes me want to punch kittens.

Punch kittens and then throw them in the path of an oncoming steam roller.



They serve absolutely no purpose other than the designers want to make you look at all their hard work.

Look at it!


Engorge your eyes with the loveliness they have created, gasp in awe at the huge vistas and massive creatures that roam the landscape. They have spent time making this game you know, you should appreciate it, in fact they are going to make you appreciate it by placing viewpoints throughout the game even though they make absolutely no freaking sense within context.

Mister Game Designer please remind me, who is skipping through the gates of Hades and erecting small shrines to your awesomeness? I don’t recall there being such a character in Greek mythology. Admittedly my knowledge of myths and tales is not vast so perhaps I have missed the legend of ‘Derek, the Indicator of Nice Views’.

Uncharted has viewpoints but they are unmarked; you stop and gaze at the awesomeness of Naughty Dog because what they have created is awesome. You do not need to be told to be impressed, you stand atop the cliff and gaze across the sea because it is gorgeous to look at and worthy of admiration, not because there is signpost with ‘Hey, look at the superb view we made’ tacked to a nearby tree.

I am hoping that God Of War Ascension will rectify many, if not all, of these problems. As Kratos returns he needs a damn good slap to knock him down a peg or two and he will also require a cause to fight for other than vengeance. A new setting, new weapons and, if possible, a quick way to open chests would be most appreciated.

However, if I spot so much as one “Press X to admire the view” sequence I shall be round to your offices, flaming skipping ropes attached to my wrists, and I will teach you what real fury looks like. It’s big, bear shaped and it will arrange your scatter cushions in the most unattractive ways.

You have been warned.

  1. Forrest_01
    Since: Jun 2009

    Good piece TC – I agree wholeheartedly.

    Just to add to what TC has (very correctly) written I have still not finished the game as there is absolutely nothing drawing me back to it – Perhaps it is the fact that I have had just about enough of Kratos after finally playing the PS2 versions on my PS3, but I really don’t have the urge to progress any further. In fact, I can’t even remember anything about the story.

    Something along the lines of muscly white dude with red stripe (not the beer) gets angry at pretty much everything, decides to climb some very large beast & somewhere near the top there will likely be a boss fight. However before this, it is likely you will be locked off from an area, having to face wave after wave of increasingly annoying enemies that decide to hit you just as you start to get into a good combo & take your health down to barely anything, so even if you do proceed, it’s likely you will die in one hit if he so much as brushes past a flower.


    On the flipside, I also played Dante’s Inferno & finished it in two sittings, because it was just better. The story had a purpose to it, you could make moral choices, the combat was simple but deep enough for you not to just bash one button & it had breasts that released killer babies. What’s not to like?

    Comment posted on 19/04/2012 at 09:44.
  2. JigsawPieces
    Since: Sep 2010

    Breathe, breathe! :)

    Comment posted on 19/04/2012 at 09:52.
  3. The Lone Steven
    Never heard of him.
    Since: May 2010

    I SHALL HAVE MY REVENGE TUFFCUB FOR HATING GOD OF WAR! *GOW theme plays* Joking aside, i agree with you Tuffcub, GOW1&2 he did show some emotions but it seem that GOW3 consisted of him killing stuff, being very angry, then killing more things, getting more angry, killing more things etc..

    But i think GOW:Ascension may include a Kratos that is very calm and doesn’t yell at the sun then procceed to have a massive boss fight with it.
    Something tells me that flaming skipping ropes are used by you every weekend and not in the way it was intended too and not the cushions! YOU MONSTER!

    Comment posted on 19/04/2012 at 10:04.
  4. Sympozium
    Since: Aug 2009

    Kratos is just poor character and for a guy that wants vengeance against the gods (and life I guess) it just gets tired. In Soul Reaver Raziel was casted into the abyss his only goal was to destroy Kain and his brethren, but in the next games he had changed a bit.

    Never played any of the main Gow games (a bit of Gow) or even Dantes Inferno but having went through all the Devil May Cry’s there’s a huge difference between those.

    Comment posted on 19/04/2012 at 10:21.
  5. Moshbag
    Since: Nov 2011

    Disliking God of War is definitely the in thing to do these days, I read it everywhere now. But you probably won’t find too many other series with a higher metacritic average.

    Comment posted on 19/04/2012 at 10:39.
    • Tuffcub
      On the naughty step.
      Since: Dec 2008

      I think if you read back through TSA I have always said GOW was dire, right from the day of release. Difference is now I get to say it have it as a featured article :)

      Comment posted on 19/04/2012 at 10:52.
      • The Lone Steven
        Never heard of him.
        Since: May 2010

        And that is why you will always be on the Naughty step. That and that incident which Peter has banned everyone from mentioning. ;)

        Comment posted on 19/04/2012 at 11:10.
      • stonyk
        Since: Dec 2009

        I can’t believe anyone could say GOW is dire. I don’t like the hack ‘n slash genre and can’t think of any other I like, but after playing the GOW3 demo I bought GOW1/2 HD remake then GOW3 afterwards and really enjoyed them all. I don’t think I can explain why other than it is better made than all other hack n slashes I’ve played previously and so much so it’s the difference of me disliking the genre to enjoying a specific game within that genre.

        Comment posted on 19/04/2012 at 11:26.
      • Moshbag
        Since: Nov 2011

        Not sure why you would bother to write it though. Surely the criterion for a featured article on TSA is not just why a particular game series is dire, otherwise we’d have one every day!

        Comment posted on 19/04/2012 at 11:34.
      • Tuffcub
        On the naughty step.
        Since: Dec 2008

        The was orginally a Play Back article but the powers that be have repurposed it. I didnt just go out to hate GOW3, I was writing my usualy scheduled piece and decided on GOW as it would be topical :)

        Comment posted on 19/04/2012 at 11:47.
    • KeRaSh
      Since: Nov 2009

      Really? I always thought I was the only person who doesn’t understand the hype that is God of War. Fricken everybody seems to love the franchise. Bunch of sheeps… :P

      Comment posted on 19/04/2012 at 15:29.
  6. stonyk
    Since: Dec 2009

    I think the character is as engaging (and I am as sympathetic to) as Mario, the story is as enjoyable as Halo and the whole this is as repetitive as Mass effects combat – but I actually enjoy all 4 of these games. To not like a game due to the lead character being too angry…… how things have changed.

    Comment posted on 19/04/2012 at 10:57.
  7. Kronik76
    Since: Jun 2009

    Are we really back here again, Tuffcub? I mean, seriously?

    Comment posted on 19/04/2012 at 11:04.
  8. TSBonyman
    Since: Dec 2009

    Stunning game, absolutely loved every bit of it.

    Comment posted on 19/04/2012 at 11:19.
  9. mugsybalone
    Since: Aug 2008

    God of War, as a series – hell, the whole button-mashing QTE-fest genre as a whole, really – never really did it for me. Found them shallow and a bit dull, so the praise the series receives confused me. Not to the point that I’d use a front-page of a popular independent games website to vent my fury though. Seriously, it’s like you’re Tuffcub of War. Still, sales and critical acclaim are kind of hard to argue with, so I’ll live and let live, there are plenty of other games I can play.

    Comment posted on 19/04/2012 at 11:23.
  10. colmshan1990
    Since: Apr 2009

    The series doesn’t change much, but I honestly don’t mind.
    Not everything comes has to change to stay a good game, sometimes they luck out and the original is great.

    I never noticed until I played Chains of Olympus, GOW1, GOW2 and part of 3. At that point it got too repetitive for me, but only because I played them in close succession. Dante’s Inferno was nowhere near as good, mind.
    I’m looking forward to going back and finishing 3, as well as picking up Ghost of Sparta to play on the Vita.

    Comment posted on 19/04/2012 at 12:19.