The Problem With: God Of War III

Sony have been teasing a reveal about the next God of War for some time (first details here) so what better time to go and play back Kratos’ first PlayStation 3 outing, God Of War III. Please note that there is some fruity language beyond this point but it is required to express my thoughts.

You see whilst God of War Ascension could well be a good game, there’s a few things in God of War III that annoy me beyond belief. So, in an attempt to improve Ascension let’s take a look at just what is wrong with God of War III. Let’s start with…

Everything.

If you thought Kratos gets angry in the game then you should see me when I try and play the bloody thing, it drives me into a rage that would make that annoying white Spartan cower like a baby penguin.

Kratos’ anger is a good starting point. He is angry, yes we get that, but that is the only emotion he has. He SHOUTS AT EVERYONE and after becoming increasingly pissed off with the population of the heavens it has gotten to the point where I have lost any sympathy I had for the character.

Kratos, you are a penis. A whining cry baby, a shouty faced bell-end and twat of the highest order.

[drop]I used to like you; you didn’t say that much and when you did you occasionally set the volume level to below ‘IN YOUR FACE’. Sadly those days are gone, now you can only rage and it’s very unpleasant. You have become a joke of character, a character whose solution to everything is to kill it. Sometimes with fire, but mostly with those skipping ropes you keep attached to your wrists.

Kill everything, kill everyone, kill anything; if it’s in the game then it needs to die. How could the game’s designers (who we shall get to shortly) be unaware that endlessly murderising every single living creature, as well as re-murdering those who are already dead, in existence might become just a teensy bit boring?

Dante’s Inferno, a far superior game in my opinion, gave players an option of killing or saving lost souls and granted you a different bonus depending on the choice you made. Those of us with an ounce of goodness saved at least a couple of helpless creatures and it gave the game some meaning. Dante was on a mission to save his beloved wife and could help lost souls on the way, a noble quest. Kratos? He just wants everyone dead.

That brings me on to the combat: what exactly has changed since the original God Of War? There are a couple of extra moves and a few variations on the skipping ropes but you always find yourself resorting to using the big spinning attack to keep the enemies at bay, before switching to a couple of heavy moves to finish them off. Five games and seven years in to the series and we are still seeing the same ‘shoving the knives down the minotaurs throat’ quick time event? B-O-R-I-N-G.

Let’s talk chests. Not Kratos’ frankly quite pathetic musculature (Leon Kennedy could snap him in half) but the type that hold green and blue orbs. Why in the name of all that is holy do I have to hold down a frickin’ button to open them? I have to stop and stand still for few seconds pressing a button.

Why? WHY?!?! This is an action game and you are deliberately making the action stop. It is the most annoying design concept, even more annoying that having to hammer X just to open a sodding door. I am literally facepalming as I write this as I think of just how bloody stupid those chests are.

The game’s designers helpfully dot the chests around the landscape when you have a large enemy to face but they are fricking useless. Whilst you are waiting to open them an enemy will slap you on the back and cancel the animation. Stupid, stupid, STUPID.

Lets also talk, as helpfully suggest by Salt ‘N Pepa, about sex. Back in the day we were young, innocent creatures so the sex mini game in the original God Of War was titillating. It returns yet again (yawn) for God Of War III, and as soon as baldy starts to get jiggy the camera moves off Kratos so we can watch two lesbian voyeurs get giggly with each other.

Why are you so shy Kratos? After five games slaughtering everything in sight, spilling enough blood and entrails to fill four Olympic sized swimming pools along the way, you seem to be extremely coy about sex.

[drop2]The only conclusion I can make is you are seriously undersized in the lady pleasing department and your contract states that the camera move must move away during the humping mini games. For all we know you could be playing Twister off camera; that would certainly explain why the two nymphs are laughing so much.

Dante has no problems with sexual imagery, and anyone who has finished his game will know he is not a shy lad. He’s quite happy to stand start bollock naked with little (actually, rather large) Dante on show. Talking of Dante I hope that the team behind God Of War IV have played his game as they would have learnt about one of the seven deadly sins, pride.

You see, although I detest pretty much everything about God Of War III, there is one ‘feature’ above all others that makes me want to punch kittens.

Punch kittens and then throw them in the path of an oncoming steam roller.

Viewpoints.

Fucking VIEWPOINTS.

They serve absolutely no purpose other than the designers want to make you look at all their hard work.

Look at it!

LOOK. AT. IT.

Engorge your eyes with the loveliness they have created, gasp in awe at the huge vistas and massive creatures that roam the landscape. They have spent time making this game you know, you should appreciate it, in fact they are going to make you appreciate it by placing viewpoints throughout the game even though they make absolutely no freaking sense within context.

Mister Game Designer please remind me, who is skipping through the gates of Hades and erecting small shrines to your awesomeness? I don’t recall there being such a character in Greek mythology. Admittedly my knowledge of myths and tales is not vast so perhaps I have missed the legend of ‘Derek, the Indicator of Nice Views’.

Uncharted has viewpoints but they are unmarked; you stop and gaze at the awesomeness of Naughty Dog because what they have created is awesome. You do not need to be told to be impressed, you stand atop the cliff and gaze across the sea because it is gorgeous to look at and worthy of admiration, not because there is signpost with ‘Hey, look at the superb view we made’ tacked to a nearby tree.

I am hoping that God Of War Ascension will rectify many, if not all, of these problems. As Kratos returns he needs a damn good slap to knock him down a peg or two and he will also require a cause to fight for other than vengeance. A new setting, new weapons and, if possible, a quick way to open chests would be most appreciated.

However, if I spot so much as one “Press X to admire the view” sequence I shall be round to your offices, flaming skipping ropes attached to my wrists, and I will teach you what real fury looks like. It’s big, bear shaped and it will arrange your scatter cushions in the most unattractive ways.

You have been warned.