OMG Lolz, The Ten Best Xbox One Quotes

It began with a whisper, a rumour that the Xbox One may have an ‘always on’ requirement.

Developers dropped hints, executives forgot their PR briefings and that whisper became a roar of DRM rumours. Then the Xbox One was officially revealed and that roar became a banshee scream of disgruntlement. The Microsoft PR nightmare had begun.

Almost every day someone said or did something to add fuel to the fire and by the the beginning of this week the nightmare had become a comedy – what outrageous statement would Microsoft and chums make today?

Last night’s spectacular U turn means the show is coming to end and a thousand games writers can begin the expensive procedure of reconstructive surgery, their features having been mangled by constant face-palming and head-desking.

However, before we assign the last couple of weeks to the big file marked “WTF were you thinking?” let’s have one last chuckle at the utter, glorious mess that was the Xbox One launch.

  1. “I mean we’re really not going to change anything we’ve done with Xbox One.” – Major Nelson aka Larry Hryb, 96 hours before changing everything.
  2. “I’d bet Sony has some similar stuff up their sleeves they’re just playing on the internet outrage for free PR. You’re all being played!” – Cliffy B is angling for Michael Pachter’s job.
  3. “Thank you again for your candid feedback.” – The Microsoft Blog appreciates your swearing.
  4. “We’re over-delivering value against other choices I think consumers can get.” – Don Mattrick explains why you should buy an Xbox One, no one understands him.
  5. “We’re also confident that gamers are going to love our vision of the future.” – Major Nelson again, slightly less confident now.
  6. “Sorry for the confusion, that was in regards to Xbox 360.” – Xbox Support Twitter account despite being asked specifically about Xbox One XBL bans.
  7. “Fortunately we have a product for people who aren’t able to get some form of connectivity, it’s called Xbox 360.”- Don Mattrick really knows how to sell his new console.
  8. “Some games not transferable and have no resale value; restrictions on games usage apply.” – The Xbox One Terms Of Service.
  9. “#dealwithit” – Adam Orth, Ex-Creative Director at Microsoft Studios.
  10. “This is how you share games on PS4.” –  Shuhei Yoshida’s mega troll “Official PlayStation Used Game Instructional Video” which has had over 13 million views.

Sadly for me the abrupt U turn means I cannot rely on Microsoft for comedy postings and I will have to start writing funny stuff again. Perhaps I can get some help, anyone got Don Mattrick’s phone number? He’s probably looking for a new job…

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96 Comments

  1. What are ridiculous, backwards company.
    I have absolutely no faith in Microsoft.

  2. Even though I must of read it about 50 times, I keep getting drawn back to read no.7 and experiencing the feeling of disbelief all over again.

  3. The threads on certain gaming sites are unbelievable. The DRM apologists are painting us as the bad guys, and claiming that we’ve ruined everything that made the console stand out, that now every console is using the same “archaic” system, etc.
    Seriously, these people are being illogical *by gamer standards*, and I want to put that part in italics to emphasise the madness of this situation.

    • “If things don’t change they’ll stay the same.”
      The X1 was shaping up to be a true next-gen console (always online, cloud updates, disk-less gaming, simple game sharing, etc) and a bunch of moaning has spoiled that, reducing the console to a 360 with pretty graphics – just as the PS4 is a PS3 with pretty graphics. Perish the thought they were trying something different…

      • Give the people what they want ;)

      • I think the problem is people don’t really know what they want, hence why the current console gen is in such a rut.

        Supposedly people want new, interesting games, but whenever these games come along they are ignored in favour of larger franchises who churn out the same stuff year-on-year.
        The whole industry needs an overhaul and we were close to that happening.

      • What the actual hell? You were one of the people so against Microsoft doing what they were doing – now you’re saying it was true next gen?

        Hell, you even changed your avatar to Driveclub and claimed you were ‘switching to PS4’. I’m sorry but you just don’t change your tune like that. Don’t try and defend MS over this.

      • No disk gaming. You realise thousands of jobs on the high street/company offices would be lost, especially when the worlds economy hasn’t been this bad since the 1930’s… Progress. (I’m quite excited about the PS4s’ *new features.)

      • @Yiddo – As I’ve stated on multiple articles, I have been racking my brain for the past couple of weeks, trying to weigh up which console to get. For a while, yes, I was thinking of going PS4 as it is cheaper, but ultimately the X1 is the better console for me (and arguably the more interesting), so I have since put my pre order down for it. Nothing hypocritical about that, nothing biased, just weighing up my purchase options and making a final decision.

        @E8-Ball – by disk-less gaming, I am referring to the feature whereby I install my games in full and can then quickly swap between them without the use of disks. Nothing changes there in terms of sales, its just far more convenient than regularly swapping disks when someone invites me to play a game with them.

        Think its best I keep my gob shut from now on however as I am clearly wrong for picking one console over another.

      • You know… you can always purchase your games digitally, even after their DRM backtracking… Disk problem solved.

      • I think your failing to understand why people were outraged at the Xbox One.

      • My above comment was directed at eldave’s first comment which started the reply thread.

    • Not all innovation is a good thing, and to suggest that it was going to be a step forward simply because it was trying something new is foolish.
      The cloud system was ill defined, the game sharing was far more complicated than simply handing a game disc to a friend, and the discless gaming system was again poorly explained.

    • My bad about the no disk Dave(although i’m sure some executives would like that to happen eventually, regardless of huge job losses.) Nothing wrong with choosing XB1(even peter, editor-in-chief, has said he’ll be purchasing,) or Xbox/Micosoft in general being you preferred general console/co. Mine admittedly is Playstation every time, but saying the PS4 is the same, with pretty graphics, Sony a failing company(damage is done article,) or saying articles are beating up on Xbox, not going to receive an abundance of positive reaction.

      • Oh, one too many generals.

      • As E8_BALL says buy which ever console you want Dave0,i’ve had a lot of consoles in my time NES,Mega Drive,Snes to N64,Dreamcast to PS1 and PS2 original Xbox and PS3 i had the 360 two in the space of 6 months as they both red lighted on me,but as i said in another post i just didn’t like the exclusives and types of games for 360,i enjoy my Motorstorms and Uncharted’s and LBP’s God of War and all the other exclusives that Sony provides just like you’ll enjoy Forza and Gears possibly Halo,but ill be honest i don’t agree that the Xbox One is the better console also on paper and in specs it isn’t,MS might be going round splashing the cash to buy exclusives but i believe as has been the case with PS3 and it’s continued support Sony have the better studios and a lot nicer people running the company MS just throw money at everything and everyone like trying to buy peoples silence so they didn’t mention PS4,and as i said i think alot of there recent policies where just wrong that’s all im saying do what everyone else is doing and buy what you like.

      • Also you can’t really be suprised alot of peoples reaction to some of your comments,as it is majority Playstation crowd on here,if i went on an mostly Xbox based site and said Sony this Sony that there would be Teabagging and Fag and douchebag comments flying everywhere lol ;D

  4. I honestly don’t see how all the things MS had planned would make gaming better,the only thing it allowed was for them to say when you did stuff and how you did stuff,it makes no difference to the games they are able to make/bring out as the whole Magic Cloud thing is quite a lot of Guff in my opinion,i believe it may help with some things but till i see it making Graphics Magically look better (like supposedly it can) compared to when it’s not being powered by the cloud i won’t believe that,if it was such a big part of gaming and a requirement would MS have made it that you never have to be connected,i believe Xbox fans are probably better off than they where now atleast the majority of there fans they have more control over there own rights and gaming.

    • Sorry that was meant as a reply to you Eldave0 :D

    • Same here. With the strategies that Microsoft are now rescinding, which ones would’ve led to the overhaul you speak of? I’m not 100% sure so feel free to tell me where things would’ve been shaken up a bit.

      More than happy to be set straight on this one.

      • You won’t be, because there is NO way to be set straight on this.

        Microsoft were caught with their pants down ready to take a shit on gamers. As far as I’m aware, Sony said ‘we don’t do that’, Microsoft quivered and then started to zip back up again.

        First chance MS get, they are going to try this again. And there are no benefits to restricting a system. You have to try and please as many people as you can, not just those who are willing to buy new all the time and always stay connected.

  5. Spineless!

  6. Well done Tuffcubb!

    Surely there must be at least 20 more gems, though? We need the comprehensive list somewhere!

  7. 10 is by far the best IMO ;)

  8. Great read Tuff, nice one. ;)

  9. Kinect – Every breath you take, every move you make, every controller you break, every single rage, I’ll be watching you…Every single day, every time you masturbate, Every game you play, Every noob you rape, I’ll be watching you…

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