Friday Fun: Kids Review Mature Rated Games

How is your Friday going? If you in the UK then there’s roughly a 52-48 chance that you will either dancing in the streets and toasting Boris, or nursing a cup of tea, feeling rather crestfallen, and trying to work out how to emigrate to Australia. Either way, we could all do with a little light-hearted distraction so it’s convenient that whilst wandering around the internet, I stumbled across a website called Common Sense Media, a site that helps parents decide whether or not a movie or game is suitable for their children.

Apparently those big warning stickers on the front of boxes aren’t very helpful, so parents chip in with their own reviews. Amazingly the site also lets children review the games, thus encouraging them to view the inappropriate material it is meant to be protecting them from.

Whilst this approach is, well, novel, to say the least, it has meant there are some great reviews by kids for games they probably should not be playing. Here are my favourites, and I’ve left all the typos and bad spelling in.

A thirteen year old gets Dead or Alive 5 spot on:

Dead or Alive is very inappropriate for kids. Do not let your kids play it. It has a series of sex.

A review of Metal Gear Solid V by a thirteen year old, who makes a valid point:

My parents let me get thus game though a lot of convinsing. They thought that there was a lot of violence and sex however I think it is just as bad as James bond witche is only pg13 and I think this will be an appropriate game for kids 12 plus

An eleven year old reviews Dead Space:

I say that dead space is the most scaiest games of its time i have and i scream my balls off when i saw the regeration necromorph that thing is creepy

Next we have a thirteen year old who wrote a huge review for Half Life 2 and signed off with this thought:

At some point, the bad guy makes a propaganda broadcast (he makes a few different ones throughout the game) about the reproductive system being shut down, so humans can no longer have babies. I doubt this matters to you, faint audio in the background about the lack of reproductivity is the least of your worries for this game.

A thirteen year old reviews Manhunt, and offers a warning:

Okay lets get this straight. This is NOT A GAME FOR KID’S (AND ADULTS TOO) OF ANY AGE! If you’re kids play M rated games, NEVER EVER let them play this. It’s even more violent than the Grand Theft Auto or Call of Duty series. Bad choice for violent kids, they’ll find out ways to kill people.

A twelve year old reviews the controversial PC shooter, Hatred:

Still A Better Love Story Than Twilight

A fourteen year old was so engrossed they missed something important in Far Cry 4:

The violence is probably the biggest concern I would have as a parent even though it isn’t any worse than call of duty. The sex isn’t really that bad. I didn’t even notice there was a pair of testicals in the game.

A ten year old reviews Heavy Rain, which has a number of saucy scenes which are hurting his friendship:

Really… My best guy friend plays this all the time. I tell him that it is rated M… For mature… but he never listens. I always cover my eyes when the naked comes on (Witch is 3/4 of the time)so I rarly see his house.

Rather superbly this thirteen year old has taken a positive message from The Evil Within:

This game isn’t all that bad since it gives a positive message to kids for example: Teamwork. yes, you can kill, stab, shoot monsters but thats only because you need to survive i recommend this game

This fourteen year old had similar thoughts about Max Payne 3:

It dosent overflow with sex but has grity violence a man burns alive in tyers a guy gets half his face torn off along with his arm and leg max taks drugs and drinks and also has a bad temper and brakes a few noses and legs he is suffering from depression over not saving his wife or his freinds sister there is scene set in a strip club were a man is shagging a girl and theres pole dancers the game is also hard to play tons of enemies attack you at once and its disturbingly violent grusome there is a bunch of terrorists that sell people’s organs hearts and livers language is also strong but over all great story max is a great role modle and trys his best to protect his freinds

Of course I had to check what kids thought of Grand Theft Auto IV, so here’s some notes from a child:

LET YOUR KIDS HAVE IT! Gosh let your kids play it BUT do not let them do missions do not let them kill people do not let them do ANYTHING MATURE Just let them get out of cars and go to people and mostly TURN OFF VOLUME

Staying in the GTA universe, here is an eleven year old’s thoughts on The Ballad of Gay Tony:

THIS IS SO BAD I CANT EXPLANE. you can beat the crap out of a old lady and anybody else. you can run over people with a cop car and rocket lanch a old mans head off. go in to a hospital and kill everybody in that place. you can atomic bomb new york with a plane. and recreate 9\11. funest that i have herd of but olso god hates this game.

Never underestimate children, for they speak the truth, as this eleven year old shows in their review of Duke Nukem Forever:

:( looks stupid too much s*x and drugs

And finally, the review to end all reviews from a twelve year old who has played Dante’s Inferno:

WORST GAME EVER! This game is not worth $60 dollars it is not even worth $1 this game has bad role models unpositive messages and way too much nudity if fells like i am watching a lady gaga video over and over again and gives a TERRIBLE NAME TO THE CRUSADES DO NOT BUY OR EVEN RENT THIS GAME