Welcome to the Alternative Game of the Year Awards, where we celebrate and berate the games, publishers and downright odd bobbins that caught our attention this year. Game of the Years are so last year, but these awards are ones that you should pay attention to!
Most Vigorous Monkey Shaving Technique Award
Gaming legend Swery was trying to raise money for his new game The Good Life on Fig, and he promoted it by shaving, and then spanking a monkey.
Best Excuse For A Crowdfunding Failure Award
It’s a double whammy for Swery as The Good Life wins again! “I think all my supporters must have needed a lot of courage to choose the ‘Purchase extra sheep’ option without knowing understanding how the game worked,” noted Swery.
Best Animal Petting Award
A returning category from last year when the award almost went to Ubisoft’s Far Cry Primal, but was ultimately won by The Last Guardian. Ubisoft were clearly miffed by the 2016 result and worked overtime to create this year’s winner, Assassin’s Creed Orgins, a game where the you can give head rubs to super cute kitties.
Most Surprised Publisher Who Really Should Not Have Been Surprised At All Award
Activision were taken aback that their remake of Crash Bandicoot was a hit. This is despite fans calling for a new Crash for many years, and the entire series of Crash games dominiating the top five spots on the PS1 download charts since the dawn of time. The Crash Bandicoot N.Sane Trilogy topped the UK charts for four weeks,and also topped the digital charts from the PlayStation stores in both Europe and North America.
“We knew that there was a passionate audience out there for Crash. Full disclosure myself among them, but we had no idea – it’s hard to tell whether that’s a vocal minority or whether that’s a real mass audience until you put something out there,” said Activision boss Eric Hirshberg. “Crash has surpassed all of our expectations by a pretty wide margin.”
Best Game Nobody Asked For Award
Life is Strange had a perfectly crafted stand-alone story and we didn’t need to know what had happened before the storm. When Square Enix announced the prequel, replacing Ashley Burch with Rhianna DeVries as Chloe because of the actors strike, and that it was to be made by a completely different studio, alarm bells went off.
Despite every sign that Life is Strange: Before the Storm was going to be rubbish, it turned out to be fantastic and a great addition to the series.
Best Raving By Phil Spencer Award
Last year we awarded The Angriest Looking Photo of Phil Spencer but he’s been pretty chipper this year, so we can’t bestow him that award. Instead we would like to highlight his amazing seated raving technique from an interview with Giant Bomb, in which he shows us his unique take of the classic “big fish, little fish, cardboard box” move.
Top moves. Nice one Phil!
Weirdest Japanese Game That Miguel Reviewed Award
“At certain points in the game, you’ll be given the option to activate a delusion trigger. If you pick a positive trigger, Takuru imagines a cheesy or pervy scene unfolding before him that keeps him happy, but pick a negative trigger, and he’ll imagine a terrible or disturbing event happening that might make him a little paranoid or distrusting.” – Chaos;Child
Best Chickens Award
Chickens in Star Wars Battlefront II. They shouldn’t really be there, but they are, and you can whack them with a light sabre if you’re feeling mean. These are official cannon Chickens as approved by Lucasfilm and Tef made a little video about them.
Most Housemarquest Game Award
“It is time to bring our longstanding commitment to the arcade genre to an end,” posted Housemarque in a statement earlier this year. They have provided us the many brilliant games, including Dead Nation, Resogun, and Super Stardust, but by the release of Nex Machina it seemed like they had run out of ideas. Every mechanic had been seen in previous Housemarque games: Voxels, score multipliers, humans to rescue, dash mechanics, all executed to perfection to create a fantastic game, but one that you had already played if you picked up more than one of the studios previous titles.
We love Housemarque and can’t wait to see what they do next, but in the meantime we awarding Nex Machina the coveted title of The Most Housemarqueest Game, Like, Evs.
The Ultimate Toys-To-Life Champion Award
Skylanders have gone to the big place in the sky, LEGO Dimensions has fallen through a wormhole, and Disney Infinity was less than infinite. There remains just one, a champion of champions, a company that has managed to sell millions of plastic figures just because grown men like having Princess Peach on their desk.
Congratulations to Nintendo’s Amiibo range, which also wins bonus points for letting you put Mario in a wedding dress and lovely earrings.
Weirdest E3 Press Conference Award
Six months on and we still have no idea what Devolver Digital were doing.
Dumbest Game Name Award
There were plenty of contenders for this returning category, Cyberdimension Neptunia: 4 Goddesses Online sounds like something you’d find sandwiched between XXX Nympho Girls and Big Lasses Live From Liverpool in the upper reaches of your Sky guide. The Inner World: The Last Wind is also a stupid name, it says “This is a game about a fart”, whilst All-Star Fruit Racing doesn’t let you race fruit so we’ve reported it to Trading Standards.
However, only one game game can win and that has to be .hack//G.U. Last Recode.
Best Weapon Award
What’s been the best weapon of 2017? You might think it’s Doomfist’s Doomfist in Overwatch, maybe the gloop gun from Prey, even Cappy in Super Mario Odyssey, but all these suggestions are clearly wrong.
There can only be one winner; a weapon that grants your character new abilities and allows you to thrash opponents online with very little effort. It’s a weapon that has caused controversy, drops in share prices, and statements from lawmakers and law enforces. The best weapon can only be Your Credit Card in Star Wars Battlefront II.
Most Ridiculous Excuse for Microtransactions
Best Candles Award
“Gamers have long been portrayed as grunting men stuck in their parents basement, surrounded by cans of Mountain Dew and Cheetos,” we said in our review of the Crash Bandicoot Scented Candles. “Placing these Crash candles around your man-cave will go along way to persuading any ladies that you do shower at least twice a week and could be worth a second date. Lady gamers, who already smell of floral bouquets and champagne, will find the soothing scents compliment their aura and will discover that the gentle glow a perfect way to relax after a hard day at the office.”
Most Improbable Boobs Award
Japan has been providing a steady stream of ridiculous breasts this year, so it was hard to pick the most improbable of boobs, but in a shock result the winner is not a Senran Kagura game!
The bosoms in Nights of Azure 2 are, for the most part, relatively well proportioned in relation to the lady they are attached to, but that doesn’t stop the most humble of boobage bouncing around like pinballs. They’re often going in completely different directions!
Most Improbable Willies Award
Sexism has no place in video games, so this year we were particularly pleased that the male genitalia was subjected to the same wibbly-wobbly physics routines as breasts. Conan Exiles lets you define the length of your character’s penis and then you can run about the map with it flapping like flag on a very breezy day.
Lowest Score For A Basketball Game Award
3/10 – NBA 2k18
Most Out Of Place Wrecked Vehicles Award
Destiny 2 is the winner of this new award which has been special created just for the game, with Bungie retaining the award that they first won in 2014.
As we all know, Destiny 2 is set in the far future when there are teleporters, space ships, and Sparrow bikes that whizz around hovering a a metre or so off the floor. Everything is super hi-tech and all the vehicles float, so why is the EDZ littered with ruined Mini Clubmans? Where did they come from? There are also wrecked busses and lorries, why do you need lorries when they have teleporters ? Why are there normal busses from 2017 and not hover busses from the far future? Silly Bungie!
Craziest Game Announcement Of 2017 Award
Self-published gay porn writer Chuck Tingle is having his work adapted by by Zoë Quinn as Project Tingler. It features Star Trek’s Will Wheaton, Mara Wilson a.k.a. the very cute girl in Mrs. Doubtfire, and a unicorn policeman.